Erin Williams Coaching Blog

One Extra Step That Can Change Your Life

Some of us are great at taking the time to consider all of the ramifications and consequences of a particular course of action before we take a step on that path. Some of us patiently filter our thoughts before issuing them into conversation, editing out verbiage we have deemed to be premature or in need of further review. Some of us have the gift of being able to see in our mind's eye a potential unfolding of reality based on a move we are contemplating. Most of us, however, don't fall into these categories and find ourselves in situations regularly that make us wish we had taken the advice "Look before you leap, think before you speak." Because many of us do find on occasion that the "bed we made" isn't so comfortable after all, we must investigate our patterns of thinking.

We have become a society poisoned with the idea of immediate gratification. We are accustomed to acting on impulse. When we see an opportunity to ease our pain/discomfort or experience pleasure, for example, we jump on it with little to no thought about what might come next. How many times have you known someone who has spewed thoughts as soon as they entered their mind only to realize later (sometimes mere seconds later) that those same thoughts were either inappropriate, inconsiderate, inaccurate, irresponsible or just plain idiotic? Worse yet, some of us have communicated thoughts or taken actions on a whim that have adversely affected our lives for the long haul...ones that can never be undone.

We must remember that every word we speak and every move we make shapes our lives. Because of this, we must be more responsible to ourselves, those we love and those who rely upon us, and resist the urge to do and say whatever feels right at that very second. Sure, quitting our job might sound like the best thing to do right after a staff meeting during which we got raked over the coals for something we weren't even involved with...but how are we going to feel about that decision in a week when we are unemployed in today's economy? Sure, dumping the girlfriend who just really pissed you off sounds like an easy solution to the pain you might be feeling right this moment, but how are you going to feel about that decision a week from now when you remember how great she really is? A very wise man once told me, "Before you make a decision...think about how you will feel about your choice a minute from now, an hour from now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, in ten years." A very easy way of using this big for day to day issues is to simply integrate an extra step into our thought process...such as "Do I really want to say this?" or "What will happen if I do this?" or "Is this worth it?". Our reality is what WE MAKE IT...we can take more responsibility for how it shapes up.

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We Must Name The Pain In Order To Erase It

Unless you are one of the few human beings on this earth who has been blessed with perfect health, you have probably had the exciting opportunity to experience some version of the following scenario at least once in your life. You get an ache, a pain, a weird symptom or simply a feeling that "something just isn't right". You make an appointment with the doctor hoping he or she will immediately recognize what the drama is, dispense the appropriate advice or prescription, and suddenly you're on the road to being healthy again. What ends up happening, however, is a long drawn out process of elimination that includes testing, discounting and treating different possibilities until days, weeks, months or maybe even years later an accurate diagnosis is made. Living in pain, discomfort or dis-ease for the period of time that passes until a solution is discovered can be quite frustrating, yet it is a simple concept---we cannot cure what we cannot identify.

This same concept holds true in our emotional and psychological realm of health and wellness. We may find ourselves feeling as though "something is missing", or wake up to find ourselves covered by a dull layer of disenchantment, or suddenly experience a sense of unease that has an anonymous origin. We often approach these situations much like we do physical ailments, by treating the symptoms that come with our "condition". We may involve ourselves in forms of escapism such as throwing ourselves into work, drinking or drugging, checking out every night in front of the boob tube or the like. We may try to offset our malcontent by finding new and exciting things to do. The truth is, however, that regardless of what we do to "cope" with what IS, we cannot resolve it until we NAME it.

Easier said than done, of course. After all, what if we actually turn that flashlight on and start digging around inside and get a diagnosis that is too painful to bear, shatters our illusions or requires LOTS of rehab? What if we come to the conclusion that our chronic pain will only be remedied by divorce, or a paradigm shift, or a career change? What if it means bankruptcy, or an overhaul of our behavior or habits? What if we realize we are so far off the mark that the gap to bridge seems galaxies away? It's no wonder we are inclined to shy away from recognizing and labeling the source, but there really is no other "road to recovery" than that of truth. We must, when we find ourselves steeped in dis-ease, have the courage to investigate and identify the cause. Only then can we formulate an appropriate, and EFFECTIVE, remedy. Only then can we glimpse the door we must walk through. Only then can we begin to write the next chapter.

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Don't Get Steamrolled By Surprise...Call A TIMEOUT!

Much like the fast breaks, turn-overs, interceptions, steals or mounting comebacks in competitive sports, life can sometimes feel like we are part of a rapid turning of the tides. We may be moving along at a steady pace, feeling quite confident about our strategies, progress and position, when suddenly, circumstances shift into a new direction. Unfortunately, in these situations, we are often left a bit disengaged and confused while trying to readjust our thoughts, feelings and logic to these turn of events. Sometimes the pace is moving so quickly in a direction we are not comfortable with that it isn't smart to stay in the game without taking a time out.

When pressure builds and stakes are high we must be ever-aware of, and more importantly, accountable for our own state of clarity. If we find ourselves feeling confused, conflicted, or troubled by a situation, this is an indication that we have information we need to process, emotions we need to address and truths to come to terms with before re-inserting ourselves into the action. Taking a time out to retreat into our own haven of thought to insure we understand what we are dealing with and how we intend to engage it is a powerful tool we often fail to use. Even though we have several time-outs available to us, we often just go with the flow, follow someone else's lead or "fake it till we make it"...all the while knowing we need to huddle with ourselves.

Remember...time-outs exist for a reason. They are designed to grant us the opportunity to re-group, review recent events and understand them, develop new strategies for our success. There is nothing wrong with pulling ourselves out of the game for a while to determine what kind of position we want to play, or take a breather and regain our stamina, or to discern if we are in the whole wrong game or arena altogether. Before we do something we are not sure we want to do...before we say something we don't want to say...before we make moves that can't easily be undone, we need to turn to the ref...form a "T" and call for a Time-Out.

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Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

TWO Steps To Getting What You Want

While the steps we are about to consider may seem simple, and are surely no guarantee, I can assure you that you will be much closer than you have ever been to getting what you want.

Step 1: Identify What You Want. Like I said, simple right? It seems that way, but is it really? Many times we find ourselves restless or in a state of searching, wanting, needing something more...but have no idea what the heck that is. However, if we cannot pinpoint or recognize our own needs, wants or desires...if we cannot identify what it is that we want to change, enhance or manifest, it is not likely to happen. So, instead of just sitting there feeling frustrated, go on an expedition into your subconscious and summon those thoughts to the surface so you can have a tangible goal to build around.

Step 2:  Ask For It. I know, simple again, right? If so, then why don't we do it? If you feel like you are underpaid, why don't you ask for a raise instead of feeling disgruntled? If you want more quality time with your spouse, why don't you ask for it as opposed to feeling less significant than you'd like? If you want to transform a friendship, why not communicate your desires instead of dropping people? If you want your kids to take more responsibility for themselves, why don't you ask them to rather than feeling like a self-sacrificing martyr? Sure, maybe you won't get everything you ask for, but guess what? You'd be surprised at how much you DO get! Additionally, if the boss says you don't get a raise or promotion, you can at least walk away with either the knowledge of what you need to do in order to meet his expectations for such or the realization that it won't happen so you can decide whether you want to live with that.

If we want our reality to be different, we must first know what we want to change and have the courage to ask for it. Expecting other people to be mind-readers is just plain silly. Chances are, initiating this process will probably open dialogues in which others will also feel comfortable communicating their desires and needs, making our interactions with them more healthy and fulfilling from both perspectives.

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Why Am I Doing ALL The Work In This Relationship?

As we travel through life and develop partnerships, friendships or relationships, we learn the essence of give and take rather quickly. Right away, we find ourselves taking on a portion or share of the load of maintaining, promoting and cultivating such human bonds, through communication, expression and interaction. We are all aware that a relationship between two human beings, whether they are lovers, friends, business partners or family, will never be managed equally every day...as one person stumbles, the other steps up to the plate and carries the load, and vice versa, balancing the needs of one another. Conversely, we are also aware that it is common for one person to get to a point in which they feel as though they are "doing all of the work", being taken for granted or simply over-invested emotionally in comparison to their counterpart. While most of the time these experiences are temporary or easily assuaged, at other times they are symptoms of a significant hidden reality.

With every connection that is substantial comes work, no matter how easy, natural, spontaneous or steeped in chemistry it is. People don't magically appear on our doorsteps, as if beamed up by Scotty from Star Trek...they don't send love or support telepathically across county lines. Relationship initiatives don't come to fruition by themselves...business models don't grow miraculously without effort...friendships don't flourish without cultivation...they all require attention. Despite that being obvious, we have all at some point been driven to think to ourselves, "What would happen if I stopped being the one to take the initiative to make things happen? What if I stopped calling, writing, communicating my feelings, expressing my thoughts, sharing my experiences, encouraging growth, pushing for progress...would any of it happen without my effort?"

When one person, for whatever reason, feels as though they have fallen into the role of "initiator" for an extended period of time it sets an unhealthy cycle in motion. The "initiator" can begin to feel as though they care more than the other, leaving them insecure and in doubt. They can even become afraid of pulling back on their load to test this theory fearing that the connection has become so dependent upon their continued effort that it might fall apart without it. Usually this is an illusion or false perception that can be worked out, but in some cases, it is quite true. If a relationship is only surviving at its current state due to the reality of one person doing the work to encourage and maintain it, this may indicate a significant disparity between the degree to which each individual is emotionally invested...hence, maybe not be a REAL-ationship after all.  

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STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: GUESS WHAT! It's NOT All About YOU!

Is it just me...or have we become a nation of the most self-absorbed people on Earth? Seriously... what has happened to us? Did we pawn our manners due to the economic crisis? Did our common courtesy chip short out? Have we lost our ever lovin' minds? What in the world is going on? Has technology ruined us...have we been so consumed by the rat race mentality that we are oblivious to other people...are we so caught up in our own self-indulgent ways that we fail to recognize how our behavior affects others?

Just because you CAN get away with being a total jack-ass most of the time...doesn't mean you SHOULD. Listen...what makes you think that your time, for example, is more important than everyone elses? Just because you were up late and overslept, doesn't mean you have the right to cut in front of 30 other people in the carpool lane that have been waiting patiently for their turn or virtually run people off the road in your attempt to make up for lost time on the freeway. And another thing, what did I do to deserve to have to suffer through your inane cell phone conversation while I am shopping for fruit in the market or, better yet, while I am trying to use the ladies room? Maybe the ding dong you are talking to isn't offended that you are carrying on your gossip while on the pot, but I DO! And does your voice have to be amplified as if you are speaking to a deaf person? Oh, and guess what, if you are invited to a party at someone's house and they have sent you 3 reminders to RSVP that you ignored...you DON'T show up unannounced with 4 hungry and thirsty friends. COME ON, people!

While these may be superficial examples of how many of us fail to acknowledge and respect other people...it goes deeper. We have to realize that the way in which we interact with the rest of the world says a lot about who we are. Are we comfortable with the message we are sending? Do we want to be "THAT GUY"? Does it really take that much more effort to be considerate of others? Would it stretch us too far to to move into the left lane so the person behind us, whose blinker indicates they need to turn right, can go ahead and go? Do we always have to be the one who must be worked around? Must the whole family eat where we want to eat, watch the movie we want to see, do the things we want to do? Can we defer to a colleague for once and allow them to shine? The point is, take a step back and evaluate your actions because...GUESS WHAT...It's NOT all about YOU!

 

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BE That Which You Seek

As we navigate the realm of personal relationships and watch the fluctuation of people in and out of our lives, quite often we find ourselves still unsatisfied with our share of what we want from such relationships. Whether we feel that our partner is emotionally unavailable, our job is unstable, our friendships are unsatisfying, or our family doesn't value us, we seek and desire to find fulfillment, connection, relevance and acknowledgment from those whom we share our gifts with. Many of us view our contribution to relationships as a direct correlation to what we should reap as benefits. In fact, over time, we often withhold or conserve what we have to offer because we feel as though the relationship or situation does not deserve our version of being "ALL IN".

When we draw that line, however, and say to ourselves, "This is all you get from me", or "I will give you more when...", or "I would work harder if I was making more money", we are slighting ourselves by placing a limit on the potential for growth. When an employee, for example, is dissatisfied with his or her place in a company, job description, salary, or relationship to the management, the standard reaction is to switch into "paycheck mode" and coast through until something changes or another job comes along. The key here is that we don't allow for the possibility that we affect every single aspect of that relationship and to find the perfect job for us and draw it to us like a magnet, we have to BE the perfect employee for that job. The job we dream of will only be delivered to us who demonstrate we are ready, capable and already poised to start today. If we have tucked all of our greatness away for a better opportunity, regardless of our reasoning, it is still hidden nonetheless. By working like we are making $20 per hour, even if we are making $10 per hour, we set our intentions actively in orbit around us sending the signals out to the universe, as blatantly as if we were a receiver waving to the quarterback from the end zone, "I'm Open!".

In personal relationships, we can only expect the best if we are giving the best. If we want great friends, we must be a great friend. If we desire a solid, romantic and fulfilling marriage, we must be willing to push all of our chips to the center of the table and give it the undivided attention we seek from our partner. If we expect our body to respond to our expectations and serve us well, we must treasure, respect and care for it. Being that which we seek eventually serves as a mirror, reflecting back to us all that we are.

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Questions? Email Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach, erin@erinwilliamscoaching.com

Could These "Snags" Have A Purpose?

Sometimes things just don't happen as soon as we'd like, do they? People don't return our calls or emails quickly enough, the car in front of us won't get out of our way so we can get into the turn lane before the light turns red, our body won't conform to our wishes on our time-line, that check won't come in the mail before our bills are due, our knight in shing armor has been delayed indefinitely, that meeting we really need to have can't be scheduled until a date beyond our threshold for tolerance, etc. etc. We have needs for goodness sake and why the heck isn't the universe getting all of these things coordinated to make our lives perfectly seamless, DARN IT!?!?! Well, first of all, not only do we need to take ourselves a little less seriously, but we must also consider the possibility that all of these perceived hold ups exist for a reason.

When, for example, a relationship is not advancing at the rate we want it to and we find ourselves in a holding pattern, our first inclination is to integrate behavior meant to push things along or stimulate movement. We become impatient with the lack of tangible progress and often manipulate the situation to get the answers we seek another way. This behavior, however, demonstrates a complete lack of faith in ourselves, our journey, and in the universe's ability to work in our lives. Not all relationships are meant to form or blossom fully, and often a stall or lull is an indication that more evaluation is necessary before moving forward. Not every job we seek is what is best for us and a postponed interview or lack of promotion is often a sign that the path we truly seek lies elsewhere.

The key is learning to be patient, which is difficult at times for everyone. The rewards, however, are remarkable. First, when we take the time to offer keen attention to an unfolding situation we often recognize and address red flags that we might otherwise overlook or skim over in our haste. Additionally, when we learn to simply ask for what is best for us and most aligned with our highest aspirations, we can then give away our need to control the tempo and allow these to reveal themselves and evolve at their own natural pace. We must learn to trust and have faith that we deserve great things and allow them to be delivered when the time is right. If we can learn to simply place our order and then let go, instead of pacing frantically in anticipation of the delivery person with our package, we will enjoy life more and be less troubled.

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Limiting Our Accessibility

While we may not realize it, almost all of us spend a large part of our day interacting with other human beings in some way or another. Beyond the time we spend with people in person, the advent of new technology has made almost everyone we know available by way of text message, email, web-cam, IM, social media or phone. Some of us are so "plugged in", for example, that a friend or colleague can pin-point our exact location and status in 5 seconds by monitoring our on-line activity. While some aspects of this communication evolution are beneficial, as we grow more and more connected to one another by technology we must take great care to preserve the quality of our life and experiences by setting some limitations on our accessibility.

Learning how to balance our level of exposure is paramount to our productivity and conservation of personal resources. All of us have had days in which we felt like we could get nothing accomplished until we "turned everything off" so we could focus or moments when a call comes through on our phone when we contemplate the emotional and physical investment associated with pushing "accept" before deciding to send it to voice mail or answer. We have all literally been "tracked down" by someone in need who has made their emergency our emergency (which is usually no real emergency at all), requiring us to shift our attention to their dilemma. Heck, half of us cannot even spend a peaceful day off at home without being harassed by telemarketers or can't settle into and enjoy our favorite personal routines without a family member coming into to invade our space or "require" our assistance elsewhere. At work we often are less productive because our office seems like it is a revolving door that spits out uninvited or unannounced colleagues to "shoot the breeze" about nonsense. We can, however, take certain steps to maintain our privacy and personal space.

As it relates to our techno-accessibility, we have every right to set certain guidelines for how and when we intend to be available to others in this arena. Once we set that standard and communicate it, people know when to expect responses or feedback from us and, more importantly, when not to. On a physical plane, we can initiate certain steps that help us from being distracted when we are choosing to be "in our zone"...even if it is something as simple as closing our door and putting a sign on it that reads, "Genius at work...Please do not Disturb". Sometimes just learning to say NO goes a long way. Even if the experience we want to protect is some one on one time with our mate, we can make arrangements to have a special date during which we can fully offer one another our undivided attention. The good news is, that even if we realize we have made ourselves way too accessible, it is just a matter of reclaiming our time and energy and establishing new boundaries.

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Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

Do You Know What Makes Up YOUR Allure?

Have you ever wondered exactly what it is that attracts people to us…what dynamics we host that people are drawn to? For many of us, in pondering this question, we might come up with a list of physical attributes along with a myriad of personality traits that we assume comprise our “allure factor”. While these absolutely contribute to our allure, they are likely less dominant than one major component of human interaction. People are attracted and drawn to us because of the way they feel when they are with us, of who they are in our presence…of who they see reflected back to them through our eyes. Think about this. How many times have you heard someone use the phrase, “You make me want to be a better person,” “You make me feel special”, or “I like myself better when I am with you”. When we are able to recognize and encourage the best aspects of people, or at least the aspects they like most about themselves, they are drawn to our energy and attracted to our spirit because it inspires, comforts and supports them.

We have all seen couples that, at first glance, we didn’t understand how they “fit”.  This is usually something single people analyze deeply as they are searching for a mate. They might perceive that the union is unbalanced in the areas of looks, success, intelligence, etc. without considering the unknowns. The key here is to realize that most of us, if we had to be honest, that, after determining some level of physical attraction, are less concerned with how much money someone makes or what their IQ is and are more in search of someone to recognize and value us for who and what we are. Even in friendships and other unions, this intangible magnetism is what feeds longevity.

As you consider this concept, recall who your favorite people are, and ask yourself if this dynamic is present. Do you feel better when they are around…are you happier…do you feel more understood, energized, connected? Additionally, once you determine exactly how this quality affects you, consider your own allure…

 

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Questions? Email Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach, erin@erinwilliamscoaching.com