Erin Williams Coaching Blog

The Main Obstacle To What You SAY You Want: FEAR

There are not many of us whose tale can be unraveled without the presence of at least one scenario in which our attempt at going out on a limb left us on the ground staring up at a tree. We have all experienced times when traveling outside of our comfort zone left us shell shocked and running wildly back to the safe recesses of our own protective barriers. We have come to take leaps of faith that left us feeling exposed, vulnerable and even foolish. The question is, have we allowed these perceived lapses in judgment to create a skeptical and tentative outlook on our possibilities?

While there is something to be said for taking the necessary measures to detect fatal flaws in our plans, we must be careful not to allow our fear of being hurt or becoming vulnerable to others to dissuade us from taking chances. We must look closely at why we have not achieved what it is that we say we want. Has the relationship we hope for eluded us only because we have been afraid to open our hearts to someone...has the job or career we dream of been simply waiting for us to claim it...has the life we have always wanted simply been left unlived by us? The truth is that, yes, there is the potential we could wind up with a broken heart, a damaged ego, or in a state of humiliation...but we could also end up with love, success and happiness. We have to push ourselves to the point at which our desire for that quality of life is stronger than our fear of our advances toward it being rerouted or rebuffed.

Try this. Write down all of the greatest things in the world that have ever happened to you. Every victory, every shining moment, every piece of your life that made you feel as if you had found the essence of what life is all about. Any major component of your life, or person you cherish, that you identify as a positive milestone came at the price of vulnerability. Whatever is on that list, you had to, in some way, put yourself out there to get. In those times, your leap of faith or advance toward something paid off, big time. We can use these experiences to comfort and support ourselves as we tip toe out of our comfort zone once again...looking both ways for an "all clear"...and know that while we may not always find what we want on each outing...that what we want definitely exists and requires us to meet it un-guarded, un-masked and as our genuine, authentic selves.

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"I MADE IT!"...Wait, WHY Am I Not Happy??

If this internal musing resonates with you, then you are probably like the rest of the human beings here on this marble we call Earth. For each of us, it is probably safe to say that there has been at least one point in our lives when we arrived at a place we had once envisioned, only to realize that it didn't come with the feelings of satisfaction we had associated with reaching that destination. Many of us have spent days, hours, months or years striving to achieve or discover some far off objective and with it, all of the rewards we perceived to be connected with said milestone. How disappointing it can be, consequently, to find ourselves crossing the finish line and be met with the gut feeling that we have further yet to go to find fulfillment.

It is no surprise that we experience this wave of anticlimax, if we really think about it. Life can be pretty challenging at times and, in order to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and stay the course, we often have to set our "eyes on the prize" in order to stay motivated and inspired to do the work. When the alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m. and we desperately want to blow off our workout, for example, we focus on the image of ourselves as a more slim and trim version in order to drag ourselves out of bed. When we are cramming until midnight instead of hanging out with our friends, we envision ourselves with our degree and in a better career. When we are single, we stave off disappointment by dreaming of what life will be like we we are in love...when we are suffering adversity, we fantasize about calmer conditions to quiet our fears...when we dislike our environment, we take mental journeys to more pleasant surroundings.

Where we make our mistake all too often, however, is putting too much of our stock in that image in our mind's eye, in that moment of arrival. By doing so, we consciously or subconsciously begin to identify all we do as some type of sacrifice or investment toward reaching that moment, and the longer the list of sacrifices or investments we make, the more difficult it is to consider whether the original dream we cast is still right for us. In other words, the very thing we are working toward may have long ago become an outmoded piece of our happiness formula, yet we have a hard time reworking our vision when we have accumulated so much toward that particular path. We can't bring ourselves to not see the investment as "wasted time". We may work our tails off for years to get a certain promotion, only to find that we don't want it when it comes, but do we take it anyway because we have worked so hard to get it? Everything in this world changes, as do our wants and needs. If we can have the courage to be honest with ourselves about what we truly desire, and give ourselves permission to amend our course accordingly, we can find a life that is genuinely fulfilling.

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Understanding Our Motives For Wanting To Feel "NEEDED"

One of the most powerful "A-HA" moments I have witnessed from a personal and professional perspective is that of becoming aware of one's own underlying desire to feel "needed" and how, in turn, this desire affects every single choice we make. While wanting to feel needed is natural, many of us have become at some point virtually held captive by it, restricting and confining ourselves to what has become a life ruled by the fear of NOT being needed. The idea that we could be comfortable living a life where no one needs us and rely solely on the hope that people simply WANT us is so scary that we fashion our lives such that we are safe from becoming "abandoned".

Think about it. How many people do you know who date or marry significantly "below their caliber" in some form or another? Why is this? Why not chose someone who is an equal as opposed to someone who has "potential" or is a "fixer-upper"? You can argue that it is a matter of "taste" or personal preference but consider the possibility that many do not take the chance to choose an equal because there is no way to tether or bind that person to us. How many business owners or managers fail desperately to ever get their company or division working smoothly without their involvement? Sure, they complain about having to take phone calls on vacation, or deal with cleaning up messes...but very few are truly prepared to accept that their company can operate without them. They NEED to feel NEEDED. How many parents find the transition to the empty nest a most dreaded and painful reality? What WILL our kids do without us? Who will look out for them? Who will make sure they are eating right? They NEED us, and we NEED them to need us.

But let's look at how our need to be needed affects our reality negatively. First, our job as a parent is to raise our children to be independent, to be productive members of society, to one day lead and guide their own families and to have the confidence and faith in themselves to fulfill their destiny and dreams. Making them dependent on us robs them of this. Rendering our business or staff virtually incapable of operating without us makes us not only one day have a hard time selling or leaving the business but selfishly detracts from the chance for others to emerge into their own leadership potential. Choosing a relationship in which there are unhealthy gaps as opposed to complementary differences keeps us from growing to our potential and leaves others feeling unworthy or un-valuable. It takes a lot of courage to step out of our instinctual desire to be needed, however, when we find ourselves being WANTED even when we are not NEEDED we will understand our true value.

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One Extra Step That Can Change Your Life

Some of us are great at taking the time to consider all of the ramifications and consequences of a particular course of action before we take a step on that path. Some of us patiently filter our thoughts before issuing them into conversation, editing out verbiage we have deemed to be premature or in need of further review. Some of us have the gift of being able to see in our mind's eye a potential unfolding of reality based on a move we are contemplating. Most of us, however, don't fall into these categories and find ourselves in situations regularly that make us wish we had taken the advice "Look before you leap, think before you speak." Because many of us do find on occasion that the "bed we made" isn't so comfortable after all, we should investigate our patterns of thinking.

We have become a society poisoned with the idea of immediate gratification. We are accustomed to acting on impulse. When we see an opportunity to ease our pain/discomfort or experience pleasure, for example, we jump on it with little to no thought about what might come next. How many times have you witnessed someone spew thoughts as soon as they entered their mind only to realize later (sometimes mere seconds later) that those same thoughts were either inappropriate, inconsiderate, inaccurate, irresponsible or just plain idiotic? Worse yet, some of us have communicated thoughts or taken actions on a whim that have adversely affected our lives for the long haul...ones that can never be undone.

We must remember that every word we speak and every move we make shapes our lives. Because of this, we must be more responsible to ourselves, those we love and those who rely upon us, and resist the urge to do and say whatever feels right at that very second. Sure, quitting our job might sound like the best thing to do right after a staff meeting during which we got raked over the coals for something we weren't even involved with...but how are we going to feel about that decision in a week when we are unemployed in today's economy? Sure, dumping the girlfriend who just really pissed us off sounds like an easy solution to the pain we might be feeling right this moment, but how are we going to feel about that decision a few days from now when we remember how great she really is? A very wise man once told me, "Before you make a decision...think about how you will feel about your choice a minute from now, an hour from now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, in ten years." A very easy way of using this big-decision tool for day to day issues is to simply integrate an extra step into our thought process...such as "Do I really want to say this?" or "What will happen if I do this?" or "Is this worth it?". Often times when we do take the extra time to process our thoughts or feelings, we may realize that when the emotional dynamic comes down out of hyper-drive and is once again married with logic and big-picture reasoning, our decisions may be quite different. Our reality is what WE MAKE IT...we can and should take more responsibility for how it shapes up.

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Are You A GOOD Friend? (Maybe, Maybe NOT)

Any of us that have memories of the classic 1960's television series Lost In Space surely recall the catch phrase, "Danger, Will Robinson!". The family robot issued this warning to the child Will when it detected impending doom or harmful situations. In today's society, some use this term, often accompanied by a parody of the famous oscillating arms of the panicked robot, to help alert someone that they might be making a mistake, walking into a situation with blinders on, or just plain unaware of the hazardous terrain ahead. Some even convey the degree of perceived peril by the measure of the robot's actions we integrate into our simulation, i.e. the "one armed" danger, "two armed" danger, and then of course, the full body rotating torso with both arms flailing wildly in all directions indicating acute risk.

Although this tactic or concept is not usually appropriate in professional environments, (Imagine standing up in a board meeting, midstream during a colleague's pathetic presentation that is a sure to fail miserably, and echoing the sentiments of every nodding person in the room by issuing an alert, Lost in Space style), we will find that humor often makes delivering sensitive information easier. For example, close friends, couples or family members often come up with inside jokes or phrases that they use to communicate amongst themselves...typically trigger words that bring immediate awareness to a situation. We use these to tell someone that they have food in their teeth, an open zipper, that they have had too much to drink, that they are being a jerk, that someone they really want to avoid is coming up right behind them, etc...all ways of working together to obtain as much degree of view as possible.

When it comes to serious issues, however, it is often difficult to weigh in with feedback that might cast us as the Debbie Downer in the "Life is Beautiful" Parade someone we know is preparing for. We fear that if we speak up or point out some things to be cognizant of we might be perceived as judgmental, jealous or negative. While we do need to investigate our motives before offering our perspective, we must also not be afraid to do what is right by the people we love and care for...which is to honor, support and protect them. When someone we love is walking a precarious pathway...we can and should find a way to help them recognize what they don't see so at least they can walk into it with awareness, instead of just thinking to ourselves, "What the *&@# is this person thinking?" So...the next time you are at lunch with a friend and you are talking about investing your whole life savings in some log cabin communities in Florida don't be surprised if your friend starts gyrating in his chair wildly, knocking people over with what seems like seizure like arm movements, and with a glassy robot-like stare cries "DANGER!". At least, that is, if he is a good friend.

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Pay Attention To The "SIGNS"

Many of us are familiar with what some refer to as the "little voice inside of our head", that which is also referred to as the Self or Subconscious. This little voice, although we often choose to ignore it, tends to be amazingly accurate in its attempt to assist us in reconciling our behavior and actions with that which is our genuine selves. This form of self guidance is often appreciated or recognized more in retrospect as we emerge from a situation in which a hidden truth has been revealed that we somehow instinctively suspected was present. Whether it is a gut feeling, hunch or instinct that somehow urges us to ask a question, move in a certain direction or avoid a situation altogether, these "messages" are important functions of our personal operating system.

Serving much like an internal GPS, our body and spirit will guide us away from personal dead-ends, one way streets, broken bridges, construction zones and the like by sending us messages in a myriad of ways. Whether it is a certain feeling to show up at a place unannounced, an urge to call someone we have not talked to in a while, or the need to do a little extra at work, being open to messages of all kinds is a way to move with the ebb and flow of life more fluidly and avoid getting stuck so far down a road that has revealed itself to have "NO OUTLET". Our true, authentic self will speak up and offer sound advice and, while we may not understand at the time how the tiny nuances of each adjustment will affect our journey, we simply must remember to trust ourselves.

If you have turned off the voice to your internal GPS I encourage you to turn it back on. If you have simply become so used to it that you don't even realize it is speaking to you, reacquaint yourself with its tone and cadence, so you can recognize and receive the guidance it offers in leading you down life's highways and byways. Or...if you happen to be hard headed or hard of hearing, turn up the volume!

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Is It Something Worth Fighting For?

As cliche' as it sounds, we would all have to agree that anything of signficant value worth having is worth fighting for. Whether it is a dream, a relationship, a career, a new level of fitness, financial freedom, sobriety, education or a magnified quality of life...what we want is never usually easy to achieve or secure. In fact, the more amazing the potential rewards of any such opportunity, the more challenging the work to earn it is. With every new vision we adopt as our own...with every new experience we identify as a goal...comes a set of challenges, even tests, to help determine our commitment and conviction. Only those realities we are willing to fight for typically stand the test of time.

While many opportunities that pique our interest begin as a dream, eventually as the path unfolds we are faced with obstacles that require us to dig deep and draw from our arsenal of personal resources in order to breakthrough those barriers. Love, for example, begins as a delicate, fragrant flower that attracts us by its promise of eternal bliss...only to reveal itself to need sustenance in order to survive and flourish. A new business venture or career path may drop in our lap, perfectly suited for our unique set of gifts and skills, only to require diligence, focus and unwavering support. A new state of mind introduces itself to us through "aha moments" or epiphanies, only to expose us to a new set of behaviors and ways of thinking we must integrate into our lives in order to own it. Regardless of what we set our sights on, the true test of our desire is whether or not we are willing to do "whatever it takes" to manifest any such opportunity.

No matter our path in life, we have all experienced business ventures that failed, relationships that fizzled, fitness initiatives that never stuck, resolutions that slowly dissolved in the caustic nature of our toxic, self-sabotaging tendencies. We have also enjoyed triumphs...remarkable results despite the risks and unfavorable odds we faced. The difference, of course, in the varying outcomes lies in the intention with which we approached any such endeavor. If we investigate our motives, search our spirits to insure we are only assigning ourselves to that which is truly what our heart desires, we will find a well of enthusiasm and passion with which to endure any setbacks. While most fulfilling opportunities in life come with unparalleled rewards, they also require honor, respect, discipline, gratitude and the occasional period of down and dirty work in the trenches to prove we are worthy stewards. When we find something worth living for...we have found something worth fighting for.

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Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: Get OVER It Already!!

If I hear one more person, including myself, bitching about something that happened 10 or 20 years ago I think I will hurl. I mean, come on, REALLY? Listen...we all have wounds. We all have our woeful tales of misery, our abusive pasts, our financial downturns, our broken hearts, our brushes with death. We all have resentments, short ends of the stick, missed opportunities, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. For goodness sake, though, how long are we going to tell the stories? How long are we going to keep these issues as active ingredients in our formula? How long are we going to allow these events to still carry so much emotional weight in our lives? THEY ARE OVER, DONE, KAPUT. WE CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST.

What makes us who we are is not what we experience or encounter in life, but how we choose to deal with, perceive and process what we experience and encounter in life. As long as we still hold those issues in our heart's "TO BE FILED" folder they are a present contributor to our state of mind, our identity and affect the decisions we make in life, whether we admit it to ourselves or not. Don't get me wrong...it is not about forgetting them, hiding them or storing them in a box, pretending they don't exist. I don't for one minute believe you will ever forget being abused by a parent, abducted by aliens or cheated on by a spouse, but you can learn how to embrace it as an unchangeable part of your journey and move on.

While you may think that this is easier said than done, it simply starts with intention. When you decide you no longer want to be a prisoner to your story you will do the work to close that chapter. If you think you don't have the TIME to focus on it, just use the time you generally allocate to obsessing, complaining, torturing yourself and re-living the story to begin thinking of how you can process this out of your queue. And lastly, if becoming more healthy and opening space and energy for positive things to come into your life isn't incentive enough to GET OVER YOUR DRAMA, think of this: WHO wants to be around someone who is a victim? Who wants to hear your same stories over and over? Do yourself and everyone else a favor, do the work and get over it already!

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Back-Up Plan Mentality ~~ Are We Conditioning Ourselves For Failure?

We are gradually becoming a society where almost every one of us has a Plan A, Plan B, maybe even all the way down to Z for everything. If this girlfriend doesn't cut the mustard, in our mind there's a drop down menu of replacement options ranked by degree of desirability...if this job doesn't work out, we already have another one lined up at a friend's place of employment...if our latest business scheme doesn't succeed we can live off of our savings or, worse comes to worse, our parents will always bail us out or let us come move back home, right? To assuage our fears, we construct a security web so we can go into situations with less vulnerability.

However, by putting so much effort into developing scores of "outs" for any such endeavor we are virtually conditioning ourselves for failure. We are PLANNING to not succeed. While it is not smart to  go into a commitment, project, relationship or business without taking a good hard look at the potential pitfalls and eyeing ways to protect ourselves from disaster, there is a distinct difference between that and developing a structure wherein failure is more comfortable than victory.

Some of the most amazing feats of ingenuity known to our culture were born from minds that were pushed to the limit. Many of the most successful ventures emerged against ridiculous odds and were lead by people whose lives were littered with adversity. Better yet, think about a couple who has an exquisite marriage that has stood the test of time and you will likely get a glimpse of two people who did not have a "plan B". We can learn from this. Having alternatives doesn't make us fearless...it is conviction makes us fearless.

The Cost Of Letting Ourselves Down...Again, And Again

Of all of the promises and commitments we make, yet fail to keep...the most impactful are those we make to ourselves. After all, the oaths we suggest ourselves to take are typically nominated as a result of a deeper understanding of what is best for us...borne from the internal workings of our mind, body and spirit...ones that have been sent as answers to questions in our hearts. Most of these pledges are not shared with others, they are whispered quietly in the solemn darkness of night...they are declared in bathroom mirrors...they are scribbled in our private journals...they are sewn into the fabric of our dreams. Because these agreements we make with ourselves not only constitute the directions for our "Best Life" recipe but also help us develop a fundamental trust, faith and belief in SELF, we must strive to honor them.

Although we are all human and are, and always will be, imperfect...we must consider what kind of programming we are doing when we consistently and consciously fail to meet our own needs. When we have come to learn, as a result of hard lessons and long expeditions of self-awareness, what is right for us...what is good...what is healthy, beneficial, and aligned with our best interests and those around us...what we "need" to do to grow and evolve, and then continually cave under the pressure of the work it takes to implement these, we begin to lose respect for ourselves. Eventually, over time, this cycle begins to make others lose respect for us as well. When we know, for example, that a habit or behavior is toxic...yet we keep doing it, we send a clear message to ourselves AND everyone around us that we have no intention of taking care of ourselves. Consequently, who will put their faith and trust in us to care for them if we cannot demonstrate the ability to care for ourselves...who  will honor and respect us if we do not honor and respect ourselves? How much weight do our words and promises carry to others if they see how easily we let ourselves off the hook?

To become better at keeping our commitments to ourselves, we must first explore the reasons why we fail. If, for example, we think we might be setting unreasonable expectations we should then consider adjusting them. If we find that we have no problem meeting commitments and keeping promises to others, we might explore why we have come to the conclusion that we are less important. If we lack self-discipline, we can address that as an independent objective. If we feel we would benefit from another source of accountability, we may share our commitments with a confidant as a way to go "on the record". Regardless of how we attempt to better care for ourselves, making the concerted effort to take our own welfare more seriously will make a significant impact on our self esteem and self worth, insuring the contribution we are to the rest of the world is that much more valuable.

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