Evaluating the Ties That Bind - July 1, 2009

Most of us agree that we are bound to our family or kin in a way that cannot be undone. For better, or for worse, we were born into a set of people that we experience our upbringing with and, as we become adults, either choose to share our lives with or not. There are, however, other people in our lives that we find ourselves gravitating toward along the way. The people that we are drawn to and invest ourselves in, and the dynamics of those relationships, can speak volumes about who we are and what stage of maturity and personal evolution we fall into. Because this array of people are those we bind ourselves to by choice, it becomes evident that we are actively, even if subconsciously, populating components of a personal needs based recipe by picking them for our team.

While we may think that relationships, friendships and the like unfold organically or just "happen", there truly is a discrimination process at work as we consider bringing others closer into our personal realm. To enhance the quality of such and future relationships, we must evaluate why we choose certain people to interact with and understand our motives for doing so. For example, we have all experienced a feeling of having "outgrown" someone. We would love to believe that this is due to the fact that we have reached a different place in life and that the connection that once existed has now waned, or that we need to shed our old skin in order to move forward in life. We might consider, however, whether or not the purpose they fulfilled in our lives, or the need they serviced, has been satisfied or no longer exists and that we simply "don't need them" anymore. While most of us would shudder at the suggestion that we have a personal agenda or believe this implies we are utterly self-serving...scrutiny may reveal that, at times, we are just that.

To help us reach some kind of understanding, we can evaluate our personal relationships and investigate what it is we take or get from them, and what we offer in return. We will find that not only are there several cursory people that we have on speed dial to go have a drink with, hang out with for an ego boost, call when we need to vent, seek professional advice from, or even for on-call romance, but that even some of our closest friendships may be hinging upon factors other than a person's innate value. While coming to terms with the possibility that we have stacked the deck to make ourselves feel better is embarrassing, it helps us to recognize these patterns as we shape new relationships and urges us to establish authentic relationships with people based on who they are...not just what they can feed for us.

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

Most of us agree that we are bound to our family or kin in a way that cannot be undone. For better, or for worse, we were born into a set of people that we experience our upbringing with and, as we become adults, either choose to share our lives with or not. There are, however, other people in our lives that we find ourselves gravitating toward along the way. The people that we are drawn to and invest ourselves in, and the dynamics of those relationships, can speak volumes about who we are and what stage of maturity and personal evolution we fall into. Because this array of people are those we bind ourselves to by choice, it becomes evident that we are actively, even if subconsciously, populating components of a personal needs based recipe by picking them for our team.

While we may think that relationships, friendships and the like unfold organically or just "happen", there truly is a discrimination process at work as we consider bringing others closer into our personal realm. To enhance the quality of such and future relationships, we must evaluate why we choose certain people to interact with and understand our motives for doing so. For example, we have all experienced a feeling of having "outgrown" someone. We would love to believe that this is due to the fact that we have reached a different place in life and that the connection that once existed has now waned, or that we need to shed our old skin in order to move forward in life. We might consider, however, whether or not the purpose they fulfilled in our lives, or the need they serviced, has been satisfied or no longer exists and that we simply "don't need them" anymore. While most of us would shudder at the suggestion that we have a personal agenda or believe this implies we are utterly self-serving...scrutiny may reveal that, at times, we are just that.

To help us reach some kind of understanding, we can evaluate our personal relationships and investigate what it is we take or get from them, and what we offer in return. We will find that not only are there several cursory people that we have on speed dial to go have a drink with, hang out with for an ego boost, call when we need to vent, seek professional advice from, or even for on-call romance, but that even some of our closest friendships may be hinging upon factors other than a person's innate value. While coming to terms with the possibility that we have stacked the deck to make ourselves feel better is embarrassing, it helps us to recognize these patterns as we shape new relationships and urges us to establish authentic relationships with people based on who they are...not just what they can feed for us.

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

Comments

[J. Harry Duggan]

From my pov, the people I hang with are the ones I get along with, i.e. the ones who share the same value systems. It never is a perfect match, but closer is better.

For example, it is difficult for me to be friends with some women, especially younger ones because they have been so indoctrinated in feminism. Not that I am opposed to the idea, but when I talk with them, I see where they're coming from, and they don't. And I don't think the feminist hard line is conducive to friendships. It is more about ego and self image and frame of reference. Thus I don't care to communicte my ideas and inner feelings to them.
And my feelings apply to others as well.

[Erin Williams]

Good example...it is often difficult to share space, conversation, time and energy with people who see themselves strictly as anything that ends in -ist, -ian, etc. When we define ourselves in these ways, we interact with others through an invisible boundary that automatically separates us from them, making it difficult to really connect and enjoy one another.