Erin Williams Coaching Blog

WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: How Do You "Measure Up"?

This week's directive is designed to help reveal what constitutes the gap between how we want to be seen or what we want to be known for...and how we are really seen and what we are really known for. You might be surprised at how far off the mark you are upon conclusion of this assignment, however, the good news is that you will walk away with a clear understanding of how to better align your aspirations with your reality.

Here we go. You can start with yourself as a whole, or pick a certain role...such as parent, spouse, employee, etc. I will use parent as an example. In this exercise, you will write down the way in which you would hope your child sees and knows you. What kinds of feelings you hope rise to the surface when they think of you...what kinds of attributes you hope they assign to you...what kinds of values you hope the believe you possess. Imagine you are a fly on the wall when they are asked to talk about what you are like as a parent and fill in the blanks of how you'd HOPE they would characterize you. For some, it might even be helpful to add a list of things you'd HOPE they wouldn't think or feel about you (or hope they don't know or see).

Upon creating this idealized persona, now use this as a tool to comb through your current relationship to determine how closely it reconciles with what might be reality. For example, if you hope that your child sees you as a strong person, evaluate the dynamics of the relationship and see if your behavior that you expose them to would evoke such a feeling. If you'd like them to believe you have good judgment, investigate whether there might be situations in which your actions might dilute that possibility. You can use this exercise to help you become a better parent...or boss or lover or business partner.

When we are able to cast a model for how we'd like to be known, seen or experienced we create a self-governing mechanism. We set a standard for ourselves to live by and are able to put ourselves in check when we act in a way that contradicts that model. It is not about "measuring up" to society or other people's standards...it is about measuring up to the person we would like to be. THAT, is in our control.

Seek Your OWN Advice

On a daily basis we are faced with circumstances that prompt us to seek advice or feedback from others. These may be the small issues like whether or not we should color our hair, go on that blind date we have been considering, wear this tie or that one, or where to meet for dinner, etc. These small exchanges throughout the day are our ways of connecting with people, of feeling part of a larger whole. After all, we probably already have strong opinions from which we could make comfortable decisions regarding which tie looks better or whether or not we should color our hair. The truth is, there is a comfort and fellowship we experience when including someone in these decisions...an invisible strand of trust extended...as if to say "let's do this together". Including this input from others at this level is healthy and normal and serves as a wonderful way to share in one another's lives.

On the main stage, however, where major transitions are being contemplated, we must be careful not to allow our panel of advisers to carry more weight than we do. As we are at a crossroad in our lives and are shaping our future reality, we must take the time to explore our own thoughts, ideas and dreams. Many times the only reason we solicit advice from others is because we either want to be validated in our own perspective or talked out of something we are already uncomfortable with. At times, especially on the grand scale of things, we often want as many opinions as possible so if the situation goes sour one day we can feel better that we were not the only one that subscribed to the plan of action. The problem is that this line of thinking serves more to protect us from being held solely responsible for a bad decision or to fortify our own argument than it is to seek genuine feedback.

The truth is that every answer we seek lies within. When we align ourselves with our own mind and spirit, and submit the question within, we become our own adviser. While we may believe we are not objective enough to offer ourselves good advice, it is only us that has to live with the full consequences of our actions, and therefore we must strive to listen closely for our own voice among those whispering in our ears. A good counselor, guide, friend, mentor or coach seeks not to implant answers in our minds but to accompany us on our journey as an emotional archaeologist, helping us excavate and discover the answers that already lie within us.

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Questions? Email Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach, erin@erinwilliamscoaching.com

STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: "I Don't Have Time" Is a Lie

If I had a dollar for every status update I see that reads something similar to "Please...more hours in the day", for every client I have ever heard say "I didn't have time", for every person I know who seems to be tabling their own agenda to "keep up with life"...I'd be rich and could retire. We all suffer from this. Just yesterday I realized I didn't "have time" to make an important phone call I had committed to...yet the TRUTH is that I DID have time, but I used it for something else. Now we are getting into complicated territory so keep up...and please weigh in if you'd like.

Let's get some things out of the way right off the bat. One, yes we all have a gazillion things to do every day. Two, we have to sleep. Three, there is not an actual machine to "make" or create extra time in the day. Okay...now that we are clear on that...we must address the truth. When someone says, "I didn't have time to go to the gym today" what they really mean is "Other things came up that I felt were more important that I had to attend to and going to the gym got pushed down on the list" or "I didn't really feel like going so I allowed myself to be caught up in other activities". Either way, this task didn't get done because it didn't get identified as a PRIORITY.

Learning how to prioritize and organize time is one of the most beneficial skills known to man, in my humble opinion. First we have to start with accepting the fact that it isn't likely that we will get all of the things done today that we hope to. Embracing this fact doesn't mean give ourselves license to slack off, it means give ourselves a break and look at our obligations and identify what is most integral to our success, well-being and state of mind. Sure, this might mean we don't sign up for tennis league this season so we can allocate that weekly commitment to "date night" with our mate...or limit our daily gossip call with our buddy to 20 minutes so we can spend the other 40 doing some exercise...or giving up our favorite reality show so we can read stories to our kids at night...or opt out of our book club so we can take that time to WRITE the book we have been talking about for a decade. We may not currently HAVE time to do the things we want or need to do...but we can "MAKE" time if we choose to identify them as a priority.

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Stop WAITING...Start LIVING

One of the things I have found to happen inadvertently throughout my life is the sudden awareness of patterns. Ever since I was a young child, I would at some moment notice that I had seen an unusual amount of a certain color that day, or that a particular number would appear over and over again to me, or that everyone around me seemed to be in a similar "mood" or carrying the same "energy". As I grew older and began to view it as more than just an interesting ability, I took these occurrences as signals that suggested I be alert to the fact that there was something important going on and I was to receive some kind of understanding. All of this is to say that today, as I was reviewing client notes and also thinking about my own life, I saw a pattern that strung us all together. We are all waiting for something...

One person is waiting for the opportunity to open his own business, one person is waiting for the love of her life, one person is waiting to see if she is going to get the promotion she feels as though she deserves. Yet another is waiting for his mother-in-law to move out of their house so he can be happy, while the next is waiting to buy a house until he finds a mate. Better yet, we ALL are waiting for "the right time" to make a certain move...waiting for that apology that is the only thing we feel can heal a wound we suffer from...waiting for the weather to turn nice so we can feel better...waiting for the stars to align and confirm that it is safe to venture out of our comfort zone. We are waiting for enough positive feedback about a certain thing before we can validate it to ourselves...we are waiting to approach someone we are interested in until we have lost the 10 pounds and look like a million dollars...we are waiting to win the lottery, be saved from our troubles by some kind of hero, be given the answer to life in a fortune cookie. We are waiting for someone to recognize how fascinating we are, under all of our layers. We are all waiting for something...

Waiting--the act of staying still in one place, in anticipation of something coming TO us. It is without effort, without movement, without energy. We linger in this passive state of existence, WAITING. While waiting in and of itself isn't something we can avoid altogether, after all, some things we cannot control or speed up, but it is the fact that we are ON HOLD and in suspended animation in some aspect of our life until the other shoe drops that is somewhat---well, sad. What if we never lose that 10 pounds...do we never go after love? What if we don't win the lottery...does our life suck? What if no one comes to save us from ourselves...do we self-destruct completely? What if we never get that apology...do we continue to bleed out? What if the "opportunity" never comes to open our own business...do we let the dream fade? My question is: When do we stop WAITING...and start LIVING?

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STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: Walking The Talk

Words carry a lot of weight in this world, from how we say them to what we say with them, but it is through our actions that we bring things into being. This is what we mean when we say to one another that actions speak louder than words. In many cases, what we say isn't always consistent with what we are doing, and this is when it becomes evident that often it’s easier to talk about doing something than it is to actually do something. At the same time, we often find ourselves engaged in actions that we don’t necessarily acknowledge, or want to acknowledge, ourselves doing verbally. Much like reconciling a bank balance, it’s helpful for all of us to take a look every once and a while to make sure there is alignment between what we say and what we do.

For example, it’s easy to talk about our dreams, but it takes a lot more energy to embark upon the journey and take the many small steps that lead to bringing our dreams into reality. If all we ever do is talk about it, we begin to lose faith in ourselves because nothing changes on the external level. In this way, being all talk and no action is actually a form of self-sabotage. We begin to form a pattern of verbally painting pictures of what we see in our minds and living in the illusion that some day they will miraculously be manifested. We have the comfort of the idea, yet our reality doesn't share its warmth. We have all had friends, colleagues, or family members who have been sharing their ideas with us for years, maybe even decades, yet haven't moved from the idea phase into the action phase.

 

To observe what we talk about and who we say we are, and then to observe what we actually do in the world, brings clarity. Sometimes we realize our actions haven’t caught up with what we are saying, and at other times we see that we might change our words in a way that it will more adequately reflect what we do in the world. Either way, the more we align our words and our deeds, the clearer we are in expressing our truth in the world, and the more powerful we are in bringing it into reality.

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

Words carry a lot of weight in this world, from how we say them to what we say with them, but it is through our actions that we bring things into being. This is what we mean when we say to one another that actions speak louder than words. In many cases, what we say isn't always consistent with what we are doing, and this is when it becomes evident that often it’s easier to talk about doing something than it is to actually do something. At the same time, we often find ourselves engaged in actions that we don’t necessarily acknowledge, or want to acknowledge, ourselves doing verbally. Much like reconciling a bank balance, it’s helpful for all of us to take a look every once and a while to make sure there is alignment between what we say and what we do.

For example, it’s easy to talk about our dreams, but it takes a lot more energy to embark upon the journey and take the many small steps that lead to bringing our dreams into reality. If all we ever do is talk about it, we begin to lose faith in ourselves because nothing changes on the external level. In this way, being all talk and no action is actually a form of self-sabotage. We begin to form a pattern of verbally painting pictures of what we see in our minds and living in the illusion that some day they will miraculously be manifested. We have the comfort of the idea, yet our reality doesn't share its warmth. We have all had friends, colleagues, or family members who have been sharing their ideas with us for years, maybe even decades, yet haven't moved from the idea phase into the action phase.

 

To observe what we talk about and who we say we are, and then to observe what we actually do in the world, brings clarity. Sometimes we realize our actions haven’t caught up with what we are saying, and at other times we see that we might change our words in a way that it will more adequately reflect what we do in the world. Either way, the more we align our words and our deeds, the clearer we are in expressing our truth in the world, and the more powerful we are in bringing it into reality.

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

"I'm GONNA..."

We could all fill in the rest of this phrase with myriad objectives, goals, dreams, things to do, ideas or promises. "I'm gonna own my own business one day", "I'm gonna quit smoking", "I'm gonna get a better job", "I'm gonna lose 20 pounds", "I'm gonna start up that hobby I have always wanted to try"...blah, blah, blah. Having something to shoot for is key in making things happen. The question is, how often do we actually FOLLOW THROUGH and do what we say we are GONNA do?

Sure...life gets complicated and busy and overwhelming at times. We become bogged down with the minutia of our every day obligations and activities. We have responsibilities to that which we have already committed and often find ourselves going through the motions of the life we have already created. However, when does it become time for us to stop using that as an excuse to NOT create the life we WANT? When do we transform the "I'm GONNA" to the "I AM"?

At some point, we have to start being real with ourselves. Continuing to issue statements that we never follow up on dilutes our word to those around us and begins to emit the fragrance that we cannot be taken seriously and are full of nothing but hot air. More importantly, however, our constant pie-in-the-sky talking with no walking slowly erodes our own sense of self-worth and personal power. Eventually, we don't even believe OURSELVES when we say we are going to do something. We use our words as a band-aid to buy time and avoid discomfort. What we must realize is that most of our "I'm gonna" statements are directives from within designed to help us become better people. Ignoring them, or treating them with little regard or importance, is like spitting in our own faces. The time is NOW to stop fooling ourselves. How about a little less bark and a little more bite?

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Learn From King, Follow YOUR Dream

Martin Luther King,  Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech is famous, even in parts of the world where people don't study the milestones of the American Civil Rights Movement. Famous for its profound message...famous for the eloquent and captivating orator who delivered that message...but most famous for the simple idea of a dream the message was meant to paint a picture of. He had a dream, and knew it was meant to be shared with the world. And like Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr,YOU have a dream, and it is supposed to be shared with the world as well.

You may be inclined to stop reading right now...to scoff at me attempting to liken you to such a dynamic icon as King. But be clear, we are not to be compared to him, or anyone else for that matter, only to be made aware that we are the same as him in many ways because we are also human. Our dream may not change the face of politics, religion, technology, culture or the planet. We may not discover uncharted land, ideas, concepts or theories. However, we must NOT believe that our dream is ANY less valuable. The building blocks of dreams are POSITIVE energy...and following such dreams releases that positive energy into our being, unlocks it from its "If only" cage to become a kinetic force that makes us able to affect our own reality and that of our fellow man.

Today is not a day to "LIVE SMALL". Today is not a day to "Hide from ourselves". No matter what we believe in regard to religion or the journey called life or any such related topics, one thing we ALL have in common is that we dream of something. While stepping out into that dream and becoming a conduit for its transmission can be scary, it is also our responsibility. IF WE CAN, WE SHOULD. One thing we  know is that it will make a positive impact, maybe on myriad others lives, maybe only on our own...but isn't that enough?

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STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: The Lure and Cost of Being "ABOVE AVERAGE"

From early on in life we are conditioned to want to stand out, be "special" or shine in one way or another. We are urged by our parents to make good grades, be the best on our team or get the biggest role in the school play. Most of us can remember being asked to perform for friends of the family at get-togethers, or prompted to demonstrate our above average intelligence by reciting our multiplication tables, or having to stand by sheepishly while our mom raved about our list of achievements to an acquaintance in the grocery store line. As young boys amass a collection of trophies and awards and adolescent girls compete in pageants and talent shows, a cycle begins. As we grow older, we learn to compare ourselves to those who are identified as "amazing", constantly judging whether we measure up to our siblings, peers, teammates, coworkers, mates or friends. Often, we don't realize until late in life that we contracted "Big Fish Syndrome".

Because so much positive reinforcement and ego-boosting feedback comes from being noticeably more talented or above average than others in any particular way, we become addicted to this experience. It is natural to be hungry for acceptance, validation or respect and while there is nothing wrong with gaining recognition for our gifts and strengths we must investigate how much this dynamic affects the decisions we make in life. Many times on our journey we are faced with opportunities to expand our horizons, branch out into unknown territory or simply try new things. When we have over-identified with being "special", however, we often fear any excursion from the norm that might reveal that we are average in some way. Whether we fear leaving a career in which we are considered an expert or head honcho in order to pursue a new path in which we will have to spend time learning the ropes, or fear that a relationship with an equal wouldn't give us a comfortable amount of leverage, or whether we avoid adopting new and improved friends that are just as, if not more, talented than we are...we often find ourselves much more comfortable being a big fish in a small pond as opposed to a small fish in a big pond.

The problem with this syndrome is that by confining ourselves to a small pond we thwart our ability to grow and expand our potential. If we are the smartest person we know, how much are we really challenged, stimulated, or inspired? If we have reached the ceiling in our company, who is there to mentor us toward reaching higher levels of achievement? If we are the person that everyone we know goes to for advice or support, who is there to offer us guidance or direction? If we take a hard look at our personal environment and scrutinize the roles we play...we might find that we have lingered behind because we find way too much satisfaction out of being the "star of the show". If we have spent four years being the high school legend that cannot even go to Dairy Queen without someone patting us on the back for our three touchdowns Friday night, sure, it is going to be an adjustment to walk onto the field the first day in college only to realize that we are suited up to practice with every other high school legend from across the state. However, these are the transitions that challenge us to rise to the occasion and discover what we are really made of. To unlock our potential we must have the courage to wander out of our comfort zone...the reward is that we will reveal things about ourselves that we never knew existed.

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

Gaining Strength From Adversity

Many of us face tragic unexpected catalysts that initiate transitions in our lives; a layoff, a painful relationship revelation, a dismal medical diagnosis, a brush with violence, or loss of a loved one, are just some of the few events that permanently alter our journey in life. These experiences remove an aspect of what we have come to know as our personal "fixed givens" by either eliminating a resource we have come to rely upon to function, or dispelling a certain illusion that we live under, or in some  circumstances, both. When this shift in reality occurs, and we glimpse our lives for the first time through eyes that reflect the new knowledge, we are left struggling to figure out how process our role in this new world.

Waking up one day, for example, to find that our spouse has not only violated the relationship but is abandoning the union altogether, affects not only the physical, financial, emotional and mental realms of our life in the sense that we have to figure out quickly how to manage our lives and family without their contributions or presence, but also leaves us struggling to clarify and regain our own identity, beliefs, and personal value. When we experience a sudden loss of income, our whole outlook changes and we go immediately into amending our lifestyle, budget, expenses, and obligations in order to survive restrictive financial times.

There is something about being in crisis mode or experiencing the roller coaster of cathartic change that reveals the essence of who we are at the core. There are many that say we really never know someone until we have seen them during the worst of times, when the chips are down, in DEF-CON 4. It is during these times when our true strength introduces itself, showing up to fight to maintain the integrity of the structure and foundation of our lives. The biggest revelation coming from this transition is that who we become in order to pull ourselves through the adversity, the grit and endurance we draw from the deepest aspects of our nature, is and has always been inside of us. As we summon these tools to the surface and become aware of our own strength, will and determination ... we have been offered a gift by learning not only to survive the crisis, but to emerge on the other side with a deeper sense of gratitude and innate power. We will all face a life punctuated with adversity, but what we find left in our gold pan after the mud and dirt and water have been sifted out are the nuggets of understanding we can use to enhance the quality of our lives.

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Want to talk ? Email Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach, erin@erinwilliamscoaching.com

WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: TWO Simple Steps To Make Yourself FEEL Better

If you are like the rest of us, you could probably use some extra gas in your "tank". Whether you are physically exhausted, emotionally taxed, mentally drained, overwhelmed with responsibility or just not up to snuff, here is a personal growth assignment JUST for you!

Operating from the understanding that the level of the well of resources from which we draw our power can be affected by either adding to or taking from, I'd like to hit this from two sides.

ADD: Brainstorm on all of the things that you have in your life that really make you feel GOOD. Is it working out, sleeping, reading a good book, spending time with your kids, finishing a project, sex with your mate, "ME-time", baking, doing something nice for others? Now pick ONE that is at the top of the list...one that packs a lot of power to the punch. NOW...pump it UP! Do MORE of it. If you know working out makes you feel great, for example, do it every day. ADD to your tank of well-being.

CONSERVE: Brainstorm on all of the things that you have in your life that make you feel BAD, take the wind out of your sails or leave you depleted. What are the factors that make your life-meter plummet like a video game character? Does drinking too much leave you feeling hungover, ashamed and inefficient? Does your co-worker make you want to jump out of your office window? Do you have a family member who is an energy vampire? Are you plagued by your own inner dialogue? Are you worried about something? Pinpoint a big factor that really puts a dent in your tank. Now minimize your exposure to that. Give it LESS power. If you can eliminate it altogether this week (NOT drinking, moving offices away from the idiot co-worker, etc.) then do so. If you can't, then make a conscious commitment to yourself that you will NOT allow this one variable to have as much of an impact on your tank as it has in the past. Cut back the amount of phone calls you accept from the vampire, allow yourself to only worry 2 hours about whether your kid is adjusting to his or her new school instead of 5. You get the idea.

If you ADD some, and then minimize the DRAW...your tank will be MUCH more full. TRY IT!

The Courage To Follow Your Inner Guide

We hear a lot about "following our gut" or "trusting our instincts", phrases used to characterize the idea of going within ourselves for feedback when there are questions in our spirit. This concept encourages us to process and deeply consider what we think or feel about something and then trust our resulting perspective. It suggests that we move forward with this "knowing from within", despite the fact that we may have no external evidence to support our initiative or even, perhaps, that our environment is operating in direct contradiction to where our inner compass is pointing us. It summons us to follow ourselves into the unknown.

For many of us, however, venturing into the gray areas of life without a map, GPS, navigator or downright guarantee of exactly where we will end up is more uncomfortable than the chronic, gnawing feeling that we are supposed to be or do something else. It's just too scary. We need all of the steps between point A and point B to be defined and layered in perfect harmony to allow us to take that first one...yet we still hear the call. To counteract this invisible call to action and it's gravitational pull on us, we spend our time assembling a well constructed theory of why what our heart is leading us to just can't be right. "I feel I am supposed to leave my career and begin something I am really passionate about...but that is crazy, etc.", "I know that I want and need to leave my girlfriend, but it only makes sense to me...and I can't even explain it, and...", "I feel that my time is done with this place, that I am to move on and start a new chapter in another place...but I have always been here, this is what I know, plus...".

The truth is, yes, it takes a lot of courage to trust our inner guide. Leaps of faith are not always easy. However, here is the key. We may THINK that there is no map, but there IS. It is imprinted on our hearts and it unfolds as we encourage it to do so. We may not have any idea, yet, how things are going to work out. We may not know exactly what the final big picture will look like. But life isn't about the destination, it is about the journey...and when we are urged by ourselves to change course it is to enhance that journey. As it has been said before, we do not have to know where we are going to be moving in the right direction.

WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: An Exercise in Freedom From Fear

This week's directive is an exercise created to help us see how much of our reality is affected by our fear. Fear of failing, fear of success...fear of losing people, fear of the unknown, fear of death...I could go on and on. Let me be clear before we start the exercise that I am not speaking about rational fears, as these are designed to help keep us alive...I am speaking of the fears that come to imprison us.

So, the exercise is pretty simple. Get prepared to write your responses to these questions. What FEARS have you allowed to build to a degree that they are a large part of your decision process? Do you avoid taking chances or trying new things because you are afraid of looking like an idiot...do you avoid traveling outside of your comfort zone because you fear the unknown? Have you lost out on relationships because you were too afraid to invest, be vulnerable, expose yourself or commit? Have you been staring down a path of opportunity, yet find yourself paralyzed by fear? Write down all of the circumstances in your life in which fear holds you back.

Now, imagine you are sitting there looking at a snapshot of your life with all of these fears fully integrated. Now imagine you could pull back a layer of that photograph, like a filter, removing those fears. What would life look like without your irrational fears? What would you do differently...where would you go...who would you love...what paths would you follow? How much time would you gain in your daily routine...how much would your "happiness" percentage get bumped up...how would your energy level be affected?

Do you like that version better? The point is, of course, if you can see it...it just might be possible. Keep visiting that image in your mind...remove that filter and stay in that space for a while every day. We are not to be ruled by fear...we are meant to live, not just survive.

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

Finding Balance In The Pursuit Of Happiness

Have you ever wondered how some people seem happier or more content in spite of the fact that their life is as challenging, if not more so, than yours? If you notice a distinct difference in the way some people live, eat, breathe, walk, or talk and can identify a correlation between that behavior and their perspective on life, you might be on to something.

For the sake of argument, let's imagine all of the components that make up our life were tossed into a pie chart that was simply divided into HAPPY and NOT HAPPY. Even if it revealed to us that 85% of our life is great and that we are content and happy in those areas, we would likely be focused on that which is still "wrong". This is human nature...we are conditioned to want to fix things. Those are the items that get put on our internal "things to do list". However, many of us take this to an extreme and by constantly focusing on the few thorns on the rose, we begin to lose sight of the beauty of the overall picture...and miss the fragrance lilting on the breeze. If we become focused on the 15% of our life that "needs work" and give that our full attention, our energy flows to those areas, withdrawing from the 85% of our life that is great. The pitfall here is, that with this approach, even if you make progress in relieving some of the issues in the NOT HAPPY zone by throwing yourself into managing them, eventually the 85% of the pie that was great will start to diminish as it has not been cultivated, or even quite possibly has been taken for granted or ignored altogether. Many divorced couples can relate to this analogy when looking back at the failure of their marriage.

The key is balance and moderation. Start by recognizing and being grateful for what is filling up the part of the chart called HAPPY. Realize that those things are in that side of the chart as a result of some investment or presence on your part and understand that to keep them there you must maintain a certain amount of attention to them. Understanding and identifying the pieces that make up UNHAPPY is usually pretty easy. Those are the key issues rolling around in your head at night that keep you from sleeping, or to put it simply, that take the wind out of your sails. Embrace the fact that you have some areas and goals you would like to address, and balance your time and energy between the two different aspects of your life.

Going back to the people who we encounter regularly that seem so happy...it is possible that they have decided to focus on the 85%, encouraging that to expand gradually and thus minimizing the 15%. Keep a journal and note how growing one area can achieve the same result as diminishing the other. A moderate approach will allow you to address your concerns while still cultivating and feeding the very well that you draw from daily.

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Breaking The Cycle Of Self-Sabotage

When setting goals and envisioning our dreams, we are often very attached to what we see in our minds as the ideal manifestation of those realized places. While these visualizations are very powerful and motivating, we often fail to recognize and address the essence of what it might take to "get there". We sit and stare into the sky dreaming of love, the perfect job, a svelte appearance or a more peaceful existence and encapsulate our being for that moment in the divine thought we have created. To animate these murals, however, takes a life force that is fed by all that we are, do, say, believe and feel. The physical, emotional, mental and spiritual energy we have at our disposal is our primary fuel for being able to reach up and pull that far away sky down into our world like a shade being drawn at a window. Although we know the power lies within to near the surface and glimpse what lies beyond the boundaries, we often sabotage our endeavors by diluting or polluting the very resources we need to build the momentum toward a breakthrough.

For example, we might say we want to become more fit or lose a few extra pounds. In fact, we may have put so much work into formulating a diet and workout regimen that the light finally seems to be gleaming from the end of what was formerly an endless tunnel. The glitch, however, is not usually in the planning, but in the execution. While we sometimes set goals or initiate routines that are unrealistic, more often the pitfalls come in the form of the inability to curb counterproductive behavior. Although creating a strategy to achieve a particular goal is paramount to success, without recognition of all of the potential hazards of the journey and accompanying ways to circumvent them, we will encounter enumerable setbacks. The setbacks we suffer often lead to disappointment in ourselves and a discouraging suspension of our conviction toward the life we dream of.

Try today, when clarifying your wants, desires and needs, to also realize what it is that specifically keeps those from being written into the chapter of life you are currently in. Through identifying what it is that takes the wind out of your sails and leaves you unable to reach the shore, you can address the reality of how to navigate your journey with more success.

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News Radio Interview with Erin Williams on Making Better Resolutions

 

Being Sensitive To Those We "Leave Behind"

The topic of personal growth and evolution is one that resonates with most of us, especially this time of year. As winter sets in and the earth submits to hibernation, we naturally spend less time doing and more time thinking. As the year inches closer to it's formal conclusion, we reflect on what has transpired in our lives since our last holiday season. In doing so, we consider what changes or amendments we might like to initiate in an attempt to enhance our quality of being. As we scan our life with a discerning gaze, we begin to see in our mind's eye where we'd like to be...and also begin to recognize what obstacles might be hindering us from being there already. This self-discovery process is vital and the body of understanding we derive from it helps us readjust our sails.

Once we have received this vital feedback from within, many of us can be found scribbling lists, making resolutions, mapping out goals, fine tuning strategies...stringing our ideas together so we can shift gears from our "thinking" stage into our "doing" phase with some concrete formulas. We must, however, remember one important thing. We emerge from any self-discovery expedition, by virtue of its function, in a highly self-absorbed state. After all, we have just spent hours, days, if not months or more, considering where our life is, what we want, what we need, what we have done wrong, who we like, who we don't, what we need to be happy, what we need to change in order to get what we want, what we need to dump overboard so we can go faster, etc. Often we are so focused on ourselves and excited about moving forward that we make the mistake of jumping right into our "doing" phase while still jet lagged from our ME expedition...which causes us to fail to execute CARE-full evolution. This glitch can contaminate the positive energy created by our transformation.

For example, when we grow as humans and find ourselves reaching milestones in life, we become more confident, self assured and downright proud of what we have been able to achieve or overcome...but sometimes it also leaves us being judgmental of others who have not done the same. When one of our initiatives involves shedding or reconfiguring aspects of our lives that simply don't work well for us anymore...we often make the mistake of treating the process with little sensitivity to other people's feelings. We must remember that there is absolutely a way to reintegrate the new version of ourselves into the population without being condescending, judgmental, dismissive or insensitive. We are not better than any other human being simply because we have just become a better version of ourselves. We can accept others as different, not lesser than, and graciously and diplomatically communicate our new bearings to them...as opposed to pushing them off the boat.

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Life Is Short...Follow Your Heart

No matter how many times we hear the phrase "Life is Short", there are few moments in which this simple arrangement resonates with us so deeply that we fully understand the power behind those words. Of course it is obvious what the intended meaning is...we realize it is meant to indicate that we should live our life to the fullest, follow our hearts, seize the day, recognize windows of opportunity and take advantage of them, stop wasting time in unfulfilling situations...yet it is not until we find ourselves standing in a moment of realization that this phrase becomes more than just a bumper sticker or t-shirt motto. When we are prompted by our hearts and minds to consider using this phrase...when we say to ourselves "Life is Short"...this is a signal that we are being shown the way to bring our life in alignment with who we were intended to be...it is the key to unlocking happiness, experiencing growth, fulfillment, destiny. We are being challenged to take the next step, urged out of our complacency, prodded toward greater understanding.

The truth is...life IS short. We don't really know how much time we will be here...how much time we have to pursue our dreams...how much time we have to do what is in our hearts. How many times will we tell ourselves, for example, "Oh...I will take that trip next year" or "I will start that business later". How many real opportunities do we have to pass up because we are afraid of going out of our comfort zone? How many loved ones have to die before we understand the precious value of life? How many times does love have to stare us square in the eye, disarming us completely, before we understand that to be "the moment"? Don't get me wrong...sure it is hard to follow our hearts and do what we desire when it also means work or upheaval or change. The question is, what is more difficult to live with...the work necessary to bring to life that which we want (aka all that comes with our decision)...or the constant curiosity that will plague us forever, wondering what "could have been" had we had the courage to act?

Of course, the tricky part is in discerning the difference between a passing fancy and something that is designed to be a part of the fabric of our lives. It isn't easy to always know where an option fits in. Sometimes we find ourselves caught up in an idea, a relationship, a venture or concept that proves itself to be an illusion after a short time...a ridiculous detour in which our whole "throw caution to the wind" concept proved disastrous. However, if we tune in to our own frequency and listen to our hearts...we will know where to go and what is meant to be taken into our arms. It is just short of claiming that bounty, of course, that we often pause momentarily or sometimes, forever. Remember always, when standing in that moment, Life is Short...follow your heart.

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What Your Gift-Giving Choices Say About YOU

The holiday season finds most of us scrambling around in an attempt to check off every person on our list by finding them the perfect gift. Some of us start early in the year by purchasing double of the things we like to cache away for friends and family... some wait until the last minute to take advantage of bargains. Regardless of our strategy, seasonal gift giving is something most of us put a concerted amount of effort into. Often, however, in our frenzy to follow tradition, we overlook the opportunities that exist right in front of us to give the most meaningful gifts of all...ones that actually make a difference in someone's life.

Remember when we were children...there had to be at least one year when all we wanted was for "daddy to come home" or "mommy to quit smoking" or for there to be "less fighting in our house". Often our deepest want and desire was not for a toy or popular item, but for someone to come to our soccer game, or be proud of us...someone to take the time to listen to our dreams and do what they can to help. Now as adults, not only do we still have some wants and needs that are on our secret wish list, but we have things we are in control of that are on other people's secret wish list. We now have the power to grant wishes like those we cast out into the midnight sky as children. For example, if we are an employer, maybe instead of a Christmas bonus for a loyal, hard working employee, the approval of their request to amend their schedule to spend more time with their kids and family would be a much more valuable gift. For a wife, instead of a flashy diamond, maybe the commitment to follow through on making the changes both of you have identified necessary to save your marriage might show a deeper love and gratitude. For an aging parent, maybe a gift that directly involves spending time together offers them what they really want...which is quality time with loved ones. For a child, maybe an adventure to explore one of their wildest dreams would show we are listening and believe in them.

The truth is, we all are in a position to offer something meaningful as a gift. Maybe it is forgiveness that has been long withheld, acceptance, a phone call no one ever expected to get, a validation, a letter that opens doors to a renewed relationship, a smile where a frown always existed, an extended invitation, an acknowledgment, a sincere thank you to someone who has changed our lives for the better. While we may feel the cost of these gifts is more difficult to pay as it taps into our personal resources, we must remember that these gifts are not just outlays...these gestures are contagious experiences that will be just as much of a gift to ourselves as they are to the intended recipient. If we can imagine what it would feel like to have just one of our secret wishes fulfilled, we may find that energy helps us to do what we can to fulfill the wishes of another this holiday season.

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Manifesting What You Want From Personal Relationships

As we navigate the realm of personal relationships and watch the fluctuation of people in and out of our lives, quite often we find ourselves still unsatisfied with our share of what we want from such relationships. Whether we feel that our partner is emotionally unavailable, our job is unstable, our friendships are unsatisfying, or our family doesn't value us, we seek and desire to find fulfillment, connection, relevance and acknowledgment from those whom we share our gifts with. Many of us view our contribution to relationships as a direct correlation to what we should reap as benefits. In fact, over time, we often withhold or conserve what we have to offer because we feel as though the relationship or situation does not deserve our version of being "ALL IN".

When we draw that line, however, and say to ourselves, "This is all you get from me", or "I will give you more when...", or "I would work harder if I was making more money", we are slighting ourselves by placing a limit on the potential for growth. When an employee, for example, is dissatisfied with his or her place in a company, job description, salary, or relationship to the management, the standard reaction is to switch into "paycheck mode" and coast through until something changes or another job comes along. The key here is that we don't allow for the possibility that we affect every single aspect of that relationship and to find the perfect job for us and draw it to us like a magnet, we have to BE the perfect employee for that job. The job we dream of will only be delivered to us who demonstrate we are ready, capable and already poised to start today. If we have tucked all of our greatness away for a better opportunity, regardless of our reasoning, it is still hidden nonetheless. By working like we are making $20 per hour, even if we are making $10 per hour, we set our intentions actively in orbit around us sending the signals out to the universe, as blatantly as if we were a receiver waving to the quarterback from the end zone, "I'm Open!".

In personal relationships, we can only expect the best if we are giving the best. If we want great friends, we must be a great friend. If we desire a solid, romantic and fulfilling marriage, we must be willing to push all of our chips to the center of the table and give it the undivided attention we seek from our partner. If we expect our body to respond to our expectations and serve us well, we must treasure, respect and care for it. Being that which we seek eventually serves as a mirror, reflecting back to us all that we are.

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Questions? Email Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: Paint A Perfect Picture

As we go through life, we often find ourselves in situations that we didn't intend or consciously attempt to become immersed in. We may wake up one day to find ourselves in a marriage that is constructed on shaky ground, in a job that was simply a series of jumping from one paycheck to a better one, in an environment that doesn't accurately reflect who we really are, on a path that is contrary to our authentic nature.

This week's personal growth assignment is to paint a "perfect" picture. Not perfect in the literal sense...yet ideal for you. If you could customize your life, what would you do? If you could change anything you wanted to, what would it be? What would your relationships be like, what kind of job and work schedule would you have, what would you look like, feel like? Where would you live? What would be different than it is today? What needs would be met that are not currently, what missing pieces of the puzzle would be found, what would you transform or ELIMINATE from the current picture to enhance your quality of life?

Now take this ideal picture and reconcile it against the snapshot of your current reality. What of the differences can you actually implement? What changes can you execute? What can you make a conscious effort to manifest in your life? The point is, if you have created a picture of what an ideal existence would be for you...what are you waiting for?

Have fun!

Are You "Living A Lie"?

It is likely that by the end of today many of us will have inserted at least one white lie into a dialogue...even if it is simply as a response of "Great!" to an acquaintance as they nonchalantly ask how we are faring. Most lies we tell are submitted as a way to circumvent the conversation we would have to entertain should we tell the truth. If a lover asks if we are upset with them...we may say no, despite the contrary, because we are tired of arguing or feel as if saying yes would make little difference in the whole scheme of things. If a friend inquires as to whether or not we are bothered by something he or she has done, we may say no to avoid conflict, especially since the deed has already been committed. In other cases, we avoid the truth, sometimes at all costs, out of fear of being rejected or losing something for taking a stand. Often we want a relationship, job, or other opportunity to work out so desperately that we withhold truths that emerge within us, thinking they may jeopardize our position. Sometimes we hold back because we are not ready for the change or transition that would occur as a result of us being totally honest.

The pitfall, however, is that building a new structure, or adding on to an existing one, without a sound foundation is a recipe for disaster. If we fail to communicate our true feelings we are, in a way, being dishonest by omission to not only those close to us, but to ourselves. When we allow a relationship or situation to progress and take shape based on a series of inaccurate suppositions, we are being unfair to others by securing their loyalty to only a shadow of who we really are. We owe it to others to only involve them in ways in which we can offer full disclosure of what they are getting into. IF we cannot be our true selves...anyone who chooses to connect themselves in any way to us, is being mislead. For example, a woman who knows the man she is about to marry spent the first ten years of his adult life in a same sex relationship and that he still struggles with his sexual identity, is a woman who is making an educated decision about her own future and has assessed her ability to deal with whatever may come. She has made her own choice, as opposed to going in unaware. Many people do not offer their partners, employers or friends the opportunity to decide for themselves what they are prepared to deal with because we do not reveal ourselves in full.

Before we can be honest with others, though, we must learn to be honest with ourselves. We must  come to terms with who we are at the core when we look in the mirror. If we want REAL, GENUINE, AUTHENTIC lives...then we must be real, genuine and authentic. If we want a life that is custom designed for us...then we must allow a blueprint to be fashioned around who we really are.

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: If You've Got A Flat, PULL OVER!

One of the things that is pretty funny about us human beings is that many of us are so focused on what we want or where we are trying to go that we don't pay attention to the warning signs, red flags, flashing lights or intuitive signals that are letting us know that we may need to slow down a little, stop for a while, or maybe turn all the way the hell around. Whether we are hard headed or just plain oblivious, ignoring these signs is about as bad of an idea as they come.

I mean, if we were driving down the road and our steering wheel wasn't responding the same as usual or we sensed something "just wasn't right" with the car, it isn't likely we would put the gas pedal to the floorboard and drag race the guy next to us. We would probably pull over at our earliest convenience to see if there was a flat or some obvious issue that was causing our vehicle to act "out of sorts". There's a trigger that goes off and we think, "Hmmm...my car doesn't USUALLY do that, there must be something going on. Let me open my eyes and ears and pay some attention here!" My question is, why in the heck don't we do this more in our lives?

Hell, when our relationships have a flat, many of us drive on those suckers so hard and far that the poor donut shreds into pieces, the rim itself sparks like a firework and the whole damn thing goes over the edge flipping into a ditch. We do the same thing in our careers, family life, etc. How are we thinking this approach is going to work out? There are times to speed, times to coast, and times to do some preventive maintenance and troubleshooting. Pretending that nothing is wrong and imagining that if we just keep on going that the knocking sound and smoke coming from underneath the hood will just magically go away is just plain stupid. Come on folks! We need to stop being silly and realize that if we've got a flat, WE NEED TO PULL OVER!

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PAUSE To Regain Clarity Before Moving Forward

Many times in life we find ourselves in a fog of confusion, often experiencing conflicting thoughts and emotions or, possibly, even in complete disorientation. Whether this state is catalyzed by information uncovered on a self discovery expedition or as a result of some new unfolding circumstance, cathartic awakening or challenging situation, it is difficult to immediately process and understand what it is that we are feeling. As each thought is summoned and emerges from the depths of our spirit, it gets tossed into the already diverse emotional stew we are tending to. In order to understand what it is that we intend to serve ourselves and others, however, it is important to pause long enough to recognize and acknowledge each new ingredient and how its presence affects the flavor, aroma and taste of that which we offer as sustenance to ourselves and those around us.

Being responsible and accountable for our own happiness starts with awareness. When we encounter periods in which clarity is not easy to come by, this is a clear sign that should urge us to press PAUSE, giving ourselves time to consider all of the information that has come to light. When our response to a question such as "What are you feeling?" or "What is wrong?" or "What do you want to do?" is something like "I don't know" or "I cannot answer that right now" or "I don't have a handle on it, exactly"...we must allow the necessary reflection to take place in order to gain understanding. While it is not always comfortable or easy for us to stop to delve into the analysis of our internal whirlwind, it is paramount to insuring that the foundations that we create and build upon are solid representations of who we are and what we want.

Many of us fail to acknowledge these rumblings that disturb our peace of mind or challenge the status quo out of fear that they might overthrow our reality if we actually defined them. Often we just ignore them...imagining that they will "work themselves out" or disappear eventually. While this may be possible, more often than not, truths that fail to be recognized when they emerge often grow in size and momentum and crop up later at the most inconvenient moments. If we can pause to gain understanding when it is obvious we are being encouraged to do so, we are in essence choosing to "download the most recent updates for our lives" as opposed to waiting until our system crashes and needs major trouble shooting.

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Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

Counteracting Emotional Fatigue

No matter our walk in life, we all encounter periods during which we feel deflated, discouraged and overwhelmed. We can all relate to feeling as if our emotional fuel supply is completely drained which, in turn, makes it difficult to perform normal tasks, much less excel. As life throws us curve balls or barrages us with hit after hit to our reserves, we quite often find ourselves in a vicious cycle of simply "coping", as opposed to "living". Because our internal cache of energy is the very source that supports our existence, we must strive to maintain balance in order to prevent ourselves from being taken out of the game and benched for long stretches of time.

When circumstances and/or our relationships with others take the wind out of our sails and we find ourselves drifting aimlessly at sea, it is imperative that we learn how to not only self-generate enough power to move on but also to learn the methods in which we can protect ourselves from being tapped such that we have nothing left to give. Unless we are independently wealthy and plan to live on an island without other human beings, chances are we cannot avoid the emotional drains associated with living. Because experiencing "technical difficulties" is part of the deal, the key lies in making sure our tank is being filled just as much as it is being drained in order to prevent acute vulnerability. When we fail to feed ourselves in this way we are, in effect, choosing to navigate on empty thus making ourselves susceptible to being totally leveled by situations which then throws us into the see-saw cycle of having to be resurrected.

To offset this occurrence we have to become more attuned to our own needs. It would be easy if we were video game characters and there was a flashing red light on the screen and a message that said, "HEALTH LOW, POWER UP NOW"...but we are not. The truth is, however, that we do know when we are nearing crisis level as it relates to our emotional state of mind and we can administer the equivalent of a series of power packs to recover our stability. The best way to do this is to be proactive and take better care of ourselves BEFORE the outlook is bleak. First, we can brainstorm and create a list of activities and situations that inspire and feed us...ones that nourish our soul and give us energy...ones that leave us invigorated and hopeful. We can identify people and relationships that are positive and uplifting. By making a conscious effort to incorporate these into our daily regimen we can contribute to our reserves and build them up such that a hit has a significantly lower impact on us. Additionally, by putting tourniquets on the series of constant drains we can conserve more of what we have accumulated. Remember this...we have the ability to combat emotional fatigue if we take the steps to manage our own resources.

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MY LIFE: Part II--The Next Chapter

We humans have a way of disappointing ourselves sometimes. To put it bluntly, we fall short pretty regularly of our own expectations and those of others. We say we are going to do something, but don't always follow through...we say we are going to STOP doing something else, but are still doing it. We fall into patterns of behavior that are unhealthy for us yet the comfort of their familiarity makes them hard to break. We had an idea, and still do in fact, of where we would like to be at this point in our lives but many of us aren't quite jazzed about all of the dynamics of our current snapshot.

Maybe we can't believe we are still struggling financially and are beating ourselves up over the fact that we haven't "learned this lesson" yet. Maybe we are still having the same issues with our mate we were having 20 years ago and wonder how this aspect hasn't evolved by now. Maybe we are still fat, still smoking, still over-boozing, still single, still living with our momma or any myriad of "stills" and just can't stand it. The worst part of being frustrated by stagnant growth is that it is easy to get stuck there. After all, it is stagnant because there is little to no movement and, although we could rationalize why that is, deep down we know it really has to do with us. We are basically dropping the ball and refusing to man-up and fight the good fight...and this makes us feel pretty crappy about ourselves...so the confidence to break free is braided up with this self-loathing madness.

When something is very important to us, however, we should be willing to pull out all the stops to get things moving again. One of the tools that is quite valuable is to disconnect your pattern with the whole drawn out length of history it has on you. Instead of thinking about the fact that you have been married to this same woman for 20 years and being on the tail end of what has been difficult (thus making today the last day of a pain in the ass marriage), try deciding to imagine today being the first day of the next 20 years of marriage with this person. Instead of thinking, "I have been scared my whole life of ________, it's too much to overturn"...we can imagine that being a "chapter" that yields to a new one, one where we are not as afraid. The point is...we can write new stories for ourselves. We ARE ALLOWED to be more than our past. WE CAN be better. The past may be a track record that demonstrates how we have FAILED to do so...but today forward can be "MY LIFE: PART II". Today IS the first day of the rest of your time here...make it what you have always dreamed of. Start the next chapter being who you have always wanted to be.

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WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: Make Year-End Resolutions

We have all heard about New Year's Resolutions, but it's often how we wrap up the end of each year that determines how positive and hopeful we feel about embarking on a new one. Sitting down to chart our course and outline objectives for each new chapter of our lives is great, however the enthusiasm, momentum and esteem with which we have to meet those challenges is paramount to their success.

Having said that, the personal growth assignment for this week is to make some "year-end resolutions". These are designed to help us navigate the tricky pitfalls of the holiday season and assist us in avoiding the potential of closing out the year feeling discouraged at our progress. Each of us has unique issues at play in our lives and things we have been "working on" all year and it would be nice to be able to look back at our comprehensive progress in each of these areas and feel positive.

For example, we may need to limit our exposure to temptation in regard to overeating, over-committing, overspending, over-drinking. We may need to be more creative in regard to fitting in exercise during a time when our schedules are filled up more than usual or push ourselves harder on a project so we can be proud of where we have taken it.

So, do this: Fast forward to January 1 and imagine you are looking at what you hope 2011 will bring. In doing so, also imagine what you want to "feel like" and how you want to be equipped to embrace that moment. Identify what could happen in the next month that might leave you feeling deflated, disappointed in yourself, discouraged or frustrated. Come up with strategies to diminish these possibilities. Also, recognize what might leave you feeling like a champion as the year ends. What will make you feel like "Wow...I really did that", help you gain momentum or feel encouraged.

Being aware of where we know we would like to be at the end of the year and how we'd like to feel about that leg of our journey can help us take a more conscious role in manifesting that reality.

STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: What's With The Pity Party/Victim Mentality?

Ok...time for some real talk today. Let's get to the bottom of this PITY PARTY madness. I have received more invitations to these things in the last week than I can remember getting all year. I think there is a crisis going on...a pandemic of the Whine Flu, for God's sake. Don't get me wrong...I have hosted quite a few of these gigs myself...even sent the WAHHHH-mbulance around to pick all my friends up so they could arrive in style, practiced my sad face in the mirror for hours and everything. But after attending enough of these as a guest and witnessing the pathetic mess from the other side, I shredded my PITY PARTY stationery. (Although there is always Evite for emergencies)

Now, let me not confuse you into thinking I am referring to the natural process of coping with life's  downturns. It's normal to struggle for a while after getting dumped by the love of our life, for example, or after losing a ridiculous amount of money in the stock market, getting fired from our job, recovering from injury or illness, enduring a loss or experiencing a rocky transition. There ARE legitimate reasons to wallow in the pit of despair and licking our wounds is part of the healing process that allows us to recover. However, PITY PARTIES are a whole different deal altogether. When we become obsessed with the question "What in the world did I do to deserve this hot mess I am in?" or have created a personal theme song titled "It's Not Fair", these are signs that we have adopted a victim mentality and have allocated all of our resources to feeling sorry for ourselves, believing we have been unfairly singled out or cursed by the Universe in some way. Some of us have been hosting a PITY PARTY for so long that it has become our way of life. The problem here is obvious...we cannot tend to solutions while we are consumed by this state of mind.

Before our friends and loved ones have to stage an intervention or we begin to get all of our invitations back stamped RETURN TO SENDER (Which would, of course, hurt our feelings and then we would have to have a PITY PARTY to discuss why no one RSVP'ed to our PITY PARTY...God help us all) we need to realize that wallowing in the POOR ME mudpit is just plain a waste of time. If there was a snapshot that could be taken of us in that pit that would depict exactly how ridiculous we were, we would probably just laugh (or be disgusted) and say to ourselves, "SELF, GET OVER IT!" The bottom line is that marinating in misery isn't helpful, so let's all snap out of it!

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

"Back-Up Plan Mentality" ~ Conditioning Ourselves For Failure

We are gradually becoming a society where almost every one of us has a Plan A, Plan B, maybe even all the way down to Z for everything. If this girlfriend doesn't cut the mustard, in our mind there's a drop down menu of replacement options ranked by degree of desirability...if this job doesn't work out, we already have another one lined up at a friend's place of employment...if our latest business scheme doesn't succeed we can live off of our savings or, worse comes to worse, our parents will always bail us out or let us come move back home, right? To assuage our fears, we construct a security web so we can go into situations with less vulnerability. 

However, by putting so much effort into developing scores of "outs" for any such endeavor we are virtually conditioning ourselves for failure. We are PLANNING to not succeed. While it is not smart to  go into a commitment, project, relationship or business without taking a good hard look at the potential pitfalls and eyeing ways to protect ourselves from disaster, there is a distinct difference between that and developing a structure wherein failure is more comfortable than victory.

Some of the most amazing feats of ingenuity known to our culture were born from minds that were pushed to the limit. Many of the most successful ventures emerged against ridiculous odds and were lead by people whose lives were littered with adversity. Better yet, think about a couple who has an exquisite marriage that has stood the test of time and you will likely get a glimpse of two people who did not have a "plan B". We can learn from this. Having alternatives doesn't make us fearless...it is conviction makes us fearless.

Looking For Love? Maybe You Just Need To Clear The Way...

Many of us who are single or unattached romantically still hold the fantasy of finding someone we can spend our lives with. Whether we are 20 or 50, most of us feel the longing to be loved and love, to hold and be held, to grow and explore life alongside someone special. For some the journey to find that person is long and often discouraging...one that makes us second guess our appeal, scrutinize our criteria, or just plain wonder if something is "wrong with us". The truth is, however, that we often need to do nothing more than clear the way and make our intentions known.

For example, many of us fall prey to being lonely...and in the absence of a significant other we share our time and our bed with "insignificant others". While we may be able to rationalize this behavior to ourselves, we cannot deny that it sends a strong message. When we know that we have no intention of entertaining a serious relationship with someone, yet despite that, continue to allocate resources, time, energy and attention to perpetuating even a casual affair...we are sending mixed signals to the universe and in essence blocking ourselves from being exposed to someone who deserves all we have to contribute to a relationship. After all, by giving away who we are so freely, our offerings appear less valuable as they are distributed with little discrimination. When we say we truly want to find our significant other, we must ask ourselves why we welcome distractions that cause our attention to be diverted away from our quest.

Is it because we are weary of the journey...have we suffered too many disappointments and just want something easy for a bit...do we need an ego boost...are we simply filling time until the "One" shows up? Regardless of our reasoning, we must become more convicted with our intention to find that special someone and live in that intention. By eliminating distractions, refusing to settle for less than we want, and adopting real faith in the belief that we will find who we are looking for, we can choose to spend our time bettering ourselves and preparing for their arrival. Once we begin to live "as if", and mentally set the table for that one extra person, our intentions will be clear and we will set the energy in motion that will attract the right mate. Having the hope or dream of finding someone is worth little if our actions contradict these by conveying that we are not ready for or there is no room for that person.

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Moving Out Of Our Comfort Zone

There are not many of us whose tale can be unraveled without the presence of at least one scenario in which our attempt at going out on a limb left us on the ground staring up at a tree. We have all experienced times when traveling outside of our comfort zone left us shell shocked and running wildly back to the safe recesses of our own protective barriers. We have come to take leaps of faith that left us feeling exposed, vulnerable and even foolish. The question is, have we allowed these perceived lapses in judgment to create a skeptical and tentative outlook on our possibilities?

While there is something to be said for taking the necessary measures to detect fatal flaws in our plans, we must be careful not to allow our fear of being hurt, disappointed, embarrassed or becoming vulnerable to others to dissuade us from taking chances. We must look closely at why we have not achieved what it is that we say we want. Has the relationship we hope for eluded us only because we have been afraid to open our hearts to someone...has the job or career we dream of been simply waiting for us to claim it...has the life we have always wanted simply been left un-lived by us? The truth is that, yes, there is the potential we could wind up with a broken heart, a damaged ego, or in a state of humiliation...but we could also end up with love, success and happiness. We have to push ourselves to the point at which our desire for that quality of life is stronger than our fear of our advances toward it being rerouted or rebuffed.

Try this. Write down all of the greatest things in the world that have ever happened to you. Every victory, every shining moment, every piece of your life that made you feel as if you had found the essence of what life is all about. Any major component of your life, or person you cherish, that you identify as a positive milestone came at the price of vulnerability. Whatever is on that list, you had to, in some way, put yourself out there to get. In those times, your leap of faith or effort toward something paid off, big time. We can use these experiences to comfort and support ourselves as we tip toe out of our comfort zone once again...looking both ways for an "all clear"...and know that while we may not always find what we want on each outing...that what we want definitely exists and requires us to meet it un-guarded, un-masked and as our genuine, authentic selves.

 

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

"Going Through The Motions"

We've all been there...Monday rolls around and we open our eyes to yet another week of the same ol', same ol'. We put our feet on the floor and start performing our daily rituals...fumbling through our routines and connecting the dots to the next step of what has become "going through the motions" of our lives. While we have all experienced this black hole of monotony at some point, many of us have never found a way out.

Sure...it happens. We may find that the person we once were totally enchanted by no longer makes us feel butterflies...we may realize a dream that once held our full hope and desire no longer feels so compelling...we may find the passion that once coursed through our veins has been diluted...we may find we have become numb to the beauty of our human experience...we may become burdened by our responsibilities and submit to being simply a "workhorse". One or all of these feelings may visit us during our journey...the question is, how do we break ourselves of the cycle of simply "going through the motions" and learn how to re-engage our mind, body, spirit and senses?

"Going through the motions", as a general way of living, can be a self-perpetuating cycle if we do not make a conscious effort to jump off the merry go-round of apathy. The first step is to remind ourselves we are a FACTOR in our own lives...that we do not have to be passive in this cycle, we can be a catalyst for change...that we can deputize ourselves as the trustee of our own experience. Upon doing so, we must then take action. INVESTIGATE. Why are we so de-motivated, un-moved and uninspired? If we revisit a time when we WERE enchanted by our mate, jazzed about our career or pumped about Monday mornings...we might start finding some answers. What was different then...what dynamics shifted...what was present then that is missing now? When we discover the elements that make us feel engaged and excited about our experiences as opposed to "going through the motions", we can then make it our priority to reintegrate these elements back into our lives. There is no Fairy Godmother that is going to come sprinkle "Anti-rut" dust on us...we must be our own Fairy Godmother and start shooting sparks back into our own lives.

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Don't Let The Season Be Your "Reason"

While the winter holiday season is a favorite for many people, this time of year is also when we are the most vulnerable to sabotaging the work we have done all year. Thanksgiving, a day of putting more food in our bodies than the law should allow and topping it off every hour as soon as we can breathe again, is then followed by weeks littered with other varied temptations that not only promise to knock us off the wagon a bit but could potentially total the wagon itself.

We will be invited to parties from now until New Years, maybe even committing to more than one in a day. This makes staying the course and adhering to our objectives a bit more difficult...there will be open bars and buffets, attractive people to flirt with, opportunities to embarrass ourselves. We will also make a list and check it twice, but then see the "cutest thing" that our nephew simply "must have" or find a "great deal" on something for ourselves that we don't need and end up busting our budget. We will exercise too little, worry too much, sleep less, eat more, and end up closing the year out diluting what we have accomplished by not entering the final stretch with discipline and focus.

I am not suggesting that we boycott the holiday season and isolate ourselves from the world from now until January 1 just to maintain our momentum...but I am suggesting that we enter the season with awareness of the potential pitfalls and develop strategies to avoid getting thrown completely off track. After all, there is little worse than working hard all year only to blow it all in one month. So...take a look at your calendar and have a talk with yourself. Come up with a plan that will allow you to enjoy the holidays while still exercising moderation. Be honest with yourself and make adjustments that might make it easier to "be good". When you are ready to meet the new year, you will be glad you did! Good Luck!

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It's YOUR Life...Get OFF The Bench

One of the biggest trends I have seen while coaching human beings through their journey in life is a tendency toward many allowing life to happen to them, as opposed to them happening to life. While most clients are not aware of this when they begin the expedition toward self discovery, eventually we find through work that it is often the underlying condition from which the many irritating or uncomfortable symptoms stem. Whether it's dissatisfaction or disenchantment...unfulfilled dreams or undiscovered potential...fragmented visions or unclarified purpose, the bottom line is that most of us experience these because we are not engaged in the development of our own reality. We are stuck in a cycle of reacting to the world around us.

Most of us, as we grow older, come to realize that our current reality has been shaped more by others than by ourselves. We discover that we have made concessions beyond "compromise" for other people's needs and wants only to diminish the value of our own experiences...we have taken on roles that were "necessary", yet not desirable...we live in environments that we have little control over. Although we have a desperate need to feel alive, relevant, vibrant...we still live in reaction-mode, failing to initiate any movement toward significant change. We must realize by now that if we want something to happen...that if we want a certain experience to manifest itself...that if we truly desire to affect our own life...that we HAVE TO put ourselves in the game and stop watching from the sidelines.

If we took just a portion of the time that we spend talking about or watching other people live and used it to log on to our own life, this would make a significant impact. Instead of watching 10 hours a week of reality television, we can try spending some of that living our own reality. Instead of following everyone else's lead, we can find our own voice. Instead of settling for someone else's version of our life, we can create our own. The point is, come to the game dressed out like you MEAN TO PLAY, for goodness sake. Stop sitting on the bench, picking your nose and daydreaming. Stretch, warm up, get your head right. And when that whistle blows and the coach looks down the row to consider who to put in, STAND UP, look him straight in the eye and say, "PUT ME IN". This is your life, get in there and throw some elbows around and make some points!

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Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

 

WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: Discover Your Prescription

There probably isn't one person reading this who can honestly say that his or her life is perfectly fulfilling. The truth is that most of us find ourselves quite often host to an empty feeling of some sort...recognize an obvious lack in our life...or are just plain miserable half of the time. The personal growth assignment for this week is designed to help discover your own prescription for happiness and fulfillment. It is time to stop going through the motions or feeling like there is something "missing".

So, here we go. Get a piece of paper and pen. Find a quiet place to sit down with no distractions. Get in touch with your longing, pain, discomfort, unfulfilled needs, unrealized desires. What keeps you from being happy? What are the things that hold you back or keep you tethered to the post of "not yet made it there". Identify those things in you that will, for the purpose of this exercise, be your "illnesses".

Now that you have these images summoned to the surface and the emotions associated are resonating with you, it is time to discover your prescription to treat and heal your "condition". It is a simple inquiry and you can submit it to God, the Universe, an imaginary friend...but most importantly, I am requiring that you ask YOURSELF, "WHAT DO I NEED"? Take this one question, and drag it across all of those images circling in your spirit that you summoned up, and ask it again and again.It may seem awfully simple, yet you will begin to get answers, and these answers put together will comprise your prescription.

The question is, will you take it?

Pick Up Your Life From Layaway

Many of us live by one, some or all of the following phrases, "Life will be better when...", "I would be happier if...", "Once I finally reach...", "If only I could...", and so on. Whatever it is that we fill those blanks with, and I imagine we all do it to some degree, holds a lot of power over us. For example, for those of us that are single and have no romantic relationship in our lives, we often think that our whole existence will be enhanced once that relationship comes to us. In fact, because we often associate so many of life's milestones with marriage, we often postpone engaging fully in life as we are WAITING for that special person to share it with. Whether we put off buying a house, having children, traveling the world, taking up hobbies, planning for retirement or following our dreams, by doing so we are, in a manner of speaking, putting our life on hold and placing all of the power, AND responsibility, on someone else to make us happy or be our support system.

Those of us that have already experienced love and family, often feel as if our "day will come" when the kids are grown up, or the college is paid off, or when we can get a divorce, or when we can get the promotion we desire and can afford to do the things we want to do. Some of us imagine our lives would be tenfold more amazing if we lost 30 pounds, got the plastic surgery we think we need, or moved across the world. Regardless of what our personal aspirations are, the point is, that by saying "I will be happy when..." it is also stating "I am not happy now." If we constantly project our happiness into the future, with so many criteria to meet, we are not giving ourselves permission to be happy now, TODAY. After all, once one goal is met, there will always be another, and another...

I encourage you to go to the counter with your claim check and pick up your life from layaway...you are all paid up.

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Recognizing the "Guest Chefs"

Exactly where we are in our lives at this very moment is the result of the journey we have taken since birth...one punctuated by many challenges, triumphs, missteps, epiphanies, lessons, and successes. As we have navigated this adventure called life, we have not been alone. Some people we have met along the way were mere encounters...some walked with us for miles and miles...some never left our side. Many of these, regardless of how much time we shared with them, have had a significant impact on who we have come to be.

Like a fantastic recipe with enumerable ingredients, we have been shaped by these "guest chefs". Sometimes we open up our kitchen to certain people and invite them in to help us tweak or experiment with our own personal formula because we know and trust their expertise. However, some of our most fruitful adaptations were inspired by those who unknowingly added a dash of this or a spoonful of that, adjusting and enhancing our blueprint exponentially.

During this season of giving thanks for what we have, let us not forget to pay homage to who we are. As your recipe yields favor in this life and brings you joy, pay respect to those who helped you fashion it. As you recognize the ingredients in your recipe, recognize also those who might have contributed or prepared them. And finally, as the aroma and flavor of your spirit draws people and blessings to you, remember to share the glory with those who stood in that kitchen taste testing alongside you.

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WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: Recognize What You Are "DOING"

We all have goals, dreams, aspirations and idealized visions of what we want to accomplish or achieve, many of which are the same such aims we have had for some time. One of the easiest ways to understand why we have not yet manifested them is to inventory how we spend our time. Sounds simple, doesn't it? Well, it is. Simple, yet truly enlightening.

Here's your personal growth assignment for this week. Carry a journal or pad of paper around with you all day, or for you techies, utilize a notepad application on your computer or cell phone. I want you to inventory what you are "DOING" every day. Yes, all of it. Even the 15 minutes of Facebook here and there, or the 20 minutes of gossiping over the water cooler, or the 10 minutes of questioning the Universe about why your thighs don't fit into your jeans. Sounds tedious, but if you want to get to the bottom of this and understand why you are where you are, you must clarify what you are investing your resources in.

At the end of the week, review what you spend your time doing. It won't take much analyzing to recognize where the issues are. Results REQUIRE investment. Becoming aware of just how little we are contributing to the things we say we want can be a wake up call. Furthermore, realizing how much we engage in behavior or situations that is counterproductive to those goals is even more so.

Don't be lazy and blow it off. Do the assignment...it works.

The Value of Having, And BEING A Friend

We have all stood at the edge of the chasm spying the vast divide between where we are and where we want to be. As we linger there in contemplation, we pan to the left and right, assessing the environment...wondering what, outside of that we have stowed in our backpacks, we might have to use to reach the other side.We look up to the sky as if to ask for a weather prediction and then down to gauge the depth we could potentially fall. In the face of such a daunting challenge, we often don't find the courage or strength to commence the journey without some type of support or encouragement from other sources. Many times we stand at the edge until someone passes by and says, "Hey, you're still here? You were here the last time I passed by...I thought you were going a long time ago."

So many of us put off, or simply fail to take, the steps we want and need to in order to better our lives out of fear of being able to navigate the unknown alone. However, we must remember these are the very times we should call upon our true friends and family to step in and help us walk through what will be a demanding trek. Finding a buddy or partner with which to share the journey makes the experience less overwhelming and provides us with an ally we can consult and call upon when we are faced with fear, obstacles or setbacks. In recovery programs, these roles are referred to as sponsors, and play a huge part in the success of sober living. Additionally, many dieters report that having a workout partner or diet buddy helps motivate them and keeps them accountable to another person. In these situations, both parties have the same goal or have experienced some form of the same journey and act as a support system for each other. However, many times we are uncomfortable asking for support because the issue we might need help with is not a mutual interest and we do not want to be a burden. Due to this fact, many of us that need help will never out right ask for it and will simply be hoping and praying someone appears.

So...it comes to mind that we might have to reach out to someone we know is desperately in need of support as they are rounding the bend to face one of life's major hiccups, such as a painful divorce or separation, illness, financial distress, parental struggles or emotional turmoil. If we can remember what it was like to stand alone on the edge of that chasm...if we can revisit the desperate desire we had for someone to walk up beside us and put their hand in ours, then we are called upon to be that person for someone else. Step up to the plate today and offer your hand to someone who needs the support and encouragement of a friend. After all, one day it will again be you.

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: Say NO To The "IDENTITY TRANSPLANT"

Have you ever woken up one day and looked in the mirror and asked yourself, "Who is this person? Where did the real me go?" Have you ever taken a step back and looked at a project, business deal, or negotiation to realize that what is currently on the table doesn't remotely resemble your original plan or intention? Have you ever come home to your spouse and children only to muse to yourself, "How did this dynamic get so far out of whack?" The list goes on and on and it's likely that we have all come to realize that at some point in our journey we went against our gut instincts and acquiesced to someone else's influence over the decisions that affect our lives.

Although life is highly punctuated by compromise and it is not likely to be easily navigated without it, many of us make the mistake of allowing ourselves to be so shaped by others ideas that we lose our individuality. We find ourselves turning into who our mate wants us to be in our personal relationships out of fear of losing them or simply to keep peace. We let our supervisors or clients dissect and change our work, ultimately contaminating the integrity of our offerings. We watch our dreams or vision being edited by family members or friends who think they know what is best for us or to suit them better. We must remember however, that in agreeing to compromise too much (and allowing it to happen is agreeing to it), we are gradually being stripped of our own identity...slowly erasing that which defines us and makes us unique...all the while feeling more helpless and controlled by others. The key, like in many dilemmas, is balance.

The first step is to do the work to truly understand who we are and what we want...how we want to feel, live and grow...what we stand for...what makes us who we are. By doing this we can use this understanding as a rule against which to reconcile our potential compromises. With each negotiation we encounter we can determine our level of flexibility by considering the affect it might have on who we are. When we are asked to do or be something that is in direct contradiction to the essence of our spirit, we must be prepared that an acceptance of such an assignment will cause us nothing but long term conflict, regardless of the seemingly short-term benefits. If we can believe and follow the philosophy that any relationship or opportunity that requires us to have an identity transplant is not for us, we will regain the freedom and confidence to be who we want to be.

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Letting Others Determine Our Value

From a very young age we develop our sense of self image and value through the feedback we receive from other people. Our parents bathe us with accolades to encourage us toward what they perceive as good behavior, as well as chastise and discipline us for falling short or getting out of line. Through this process we are trained to listen to the outside world and ingest this feedback to create our own self image. As we grow older, the cycle continues and we further quantify our pricetag of personal value and worth through the reflections offered by our friends, mates, family, bosses, co-workers and strangers. What we must ask ourselves, however, is whether we have given away too much power in this realm.

When a relationship falls short of our needs, wants and expectations, for example, what is our reaction? Do we tell ourselves that if we were worthy of better then we would be getting it? When we don't get the promotion or raise at work, do we simply say to ourselves that we must not have deserved it? When people don't listen to us, does this mean what we have to say isn't important? When a friend doesn't do cartwheels and rave about our latest creative endeavor does this mean that it will have no audience? When our mate doesn't tell us we are attractive regularly, does this mean we aren't attractive? Are we a different person this afternoon as we plunk around in our junker car than we were in the morning driving our drop top convertible just because we get less attention and head turns?

It is natural to incorporate the myriad feedback we get from the world and the people in it. It can actually be a very good way to sense when we are going in the right or wrong direction at times. What we must protect ourselves from, however, is yielding our "self-worth recipe" to the masses and not maintaining ourselves as the main ingredient. There is a voice inside of us that knows who we are and what we are made of, but if that voice is drowned out by the choir or peanut gallery, we have become lost to our own wisdom. Knowing our own value is like setting the tone for the movie...it is the soundtrack. If we can stay in touch with this and own it, we will be determining our self-worth from the INSIDE OUT as opposed to the OUTSIDE IN. To quote W. Somerset Maugham, "It is a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it."

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The Dilemma Of "Shifting Gears" When Others Don't

Today we are going to entertain and discuss one of the biggest dilemmas that we face in life; the inevitability that we evolve to, or are already at, a different level than some or all of those in our environment. It happens to all of us. We have had friends for years who seem to be at the same exact place they were a decade ago while we feel like we have reincarnated ourselves many times over. We have had peers and colleagues who are still recycling the same practices and behaviors or complaining about the same issues while we have learned to move on to bigger and better things. We have had relationships in which we come to realize that the gap that exists between our degree of development and that of our mate is much wider than we had imagined. The questions is...what is the responsible thing to do in these situations?

The true dilemma lies in how to honor OURSELVES and the journey we are meant to navigate while not passing judgment on, developing resentment toward or taking responsibility for those who cannot seem to get out of second gear, or have no desire to. This is a tough one, folks. How many times have we found ourselves thinking "When is this person going to get it together?" or "How many times does this person have to make the same mistake?" or "I have outgrown this group of friends and have nothing in common with them anymore?" While these thoughts are likely natural and occur in most of our inner dialogues, we must recognize that these feelings are counterproductive. After all, barring the responsibility we have to our children to provide them with the tools in order to be independent or the obligation we may have to those we supervise at work to guide them toward professional progress, it is not our responsibility to dictate the rate at which others evolve or the paths they choose to take.

Although it is difficult to learn how to focus on our own personal journey and release our attachment to how we expect others to develop, it is a pivotal stage of maturity. Until we can reach this milestone, we will be plagued by our temptation to mentally micromanage other people's lives or, even worse, feel the need to slow down in order for others to "catch up". Remember this...everyone's journey is their own. We can be available to others for support and guidance without making it our responsibility or mission. Additionally, we can release ourselves from feeling guilty about moving on and shifting gears. It may be a little scary at first when we look in the rear-view mirror to find images becoming less prominent, but this is one of life's realities. We must, nonetheless, stay true to our own course. While this may mean that we will leave some behind forever, this doesn't mean they are any less satisfied or happy than we are and furthermore, we might be surprised one day to glance in the mirror to see a familiar face emerging in the distance at a rapid speed.

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WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: Challenge YOURSELF

We all have a mental list of things we need to do, ways in which we would like to improve or habits we want to break. Just having the list, however, isn't much good if we don't actually put any effort into those initiatives. The directive for this week is for you to pick one of these items and issue yourself a CHALLENGE.

Whether you want to quit smoking, start eating better, clean out the garage, reconcile your financial records, or find a new job...it is time to MAKE IT HAPPEN. Pick something that you have wanted to do for some time but keep putting off for any number of reasons. Pick something you are TIRED OF hearing yourself talk about doing...something that will make an impact on you.

Once you have chosen your challenge do this: 1) Write the challenge down on a piece of paper, accompanied by a list of reasons why meeting this objective is so important to you  2) Makenotes about it everywhere. On your mirror, refrigerator, computer, cell phone, desk, car, etc. This will help you keep the idea ever present in your mind 3) Let the people close to you know you have challenged yourself so they can be a support system  4) PUSH YOURSELF to stay the course

No one said that meeting the challenge would be easy or come without snags, but try not to let yourself off the hook. Be accountable, self-disciplined. Dig as deep as you need to in order to get it done. You will be happy you did and will develop the confidence in yourself to accomplish just about anything you put your mind to.

GOOD LUCK!

Releasing Fear and GOING FOR IT

In this new age we have become accustomed to charting our course carefully...creating strategies or master plans and affording meticulous thought to preparing for success. Although we are urged by our inner selves or hearts to consider a new opportunity, venture, professional path or relationship we typically find ourselves using our minds to analyze the situation to determine the best way to go about pursuing it. While preparation in and of itself is not bad, we must realize that every door is not the same and some don't require us to linger at the threshold contemplating the right time to walk through it.

While I am not suggesting that we throw caution to the wind at every corner and make choices and decisions willy-nilly, I am suggesting that we connect to and trust our own intuition. There are a lot of happy, successful people in this world who arrived at that place following a carefully orchestrated formula that took great amounts of attention and focus to create...and there are others who have achieved greatness who would tell us that they just "made it happen" and didn't look back.

The point is that life is not predictable and thus, living solely upon the foundation of structured plans and strategies often finds us either too inflexible to adapt quickly or even worse, living with the desire to move forward yet waiting for the "right time". The question we must ask ourselves is have we allowed our fears to hold us back? Sure, we might fall flat on our face or hit a snag that we might have circumvented had we spent a couple of more weeks, months or years carefully planning our move...but can't we step out on a limb every once in a while and do something because we WANT TO? Can't we accept and enjoy the fact that life is a little messy sometimes? Some things require planning...yet others simply require believing.

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STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: QUARANTINE the SUCKINESS

We will never have drama-free lives so let's just get that out of the way right off of the bat. No matter who we are, we are going to have days that just downright suck for one reason or another. What's worse than the original catalyst of suckiness, however, is our tendency to let our reaction and response to that factor be so overpowering that it contaminates our other unrelated experiences, thus spreading the suckiness all around.

You know exactly what I am talking about, don't you? Everyone does it. Susie Q gets a flat tire this morning on her way to work...tears her new pantyhose, rips her new skirt, gets splashed with mud by cars driving by, and misses her big meeting...which totally sucks for sure. By the time she finally does get to the office, she is ready to slather the suckiness on every living being in the universe. It's normal to be upset when something bad happens to us, to be preoccupied by internal drama or affected by personal issues...but if we can learn to "check" our drama at the door so to speak, actually imagine hanging it up on an invisible coat hanger, and do what we need to do despite the drama we are symbolically quarantining the suckiness.

Think about it this way. Sure...it sucks that your wife is cheating on you...but how much MORE will it suck when you also are unemployed because you can't get a darn thing done at work because you can't concentrate? It might suck that you are having money issues, but how much MORE will it suck when your kids decide they don't want to be around you because you're being a stressed out jerk? The point is, we can't control some of the things that happen to us...but we can control our reaction and response to them. So, to a certain degree, we have the ability to determine HOW deeply drama permeates our existence. We can drag it around with us everywhere we go, to the bathroom, to work, to the market...hell, we can even make sucky pj's and sleep in them. OR, we can learn to check it at the door and save the uninfected parts of our lives by QUARANTINING THE SUCKINESS!

Reprogram Your Inner Circle Security Code

Many of us are transforming ourselves, working diligently to enhance the quality of our lives. As we make these concerted efforts to swing our momentum forward and become more self aware, one of the inevitable revelations is that some of our conflict, frustration, distraction, or dilution stems from allowing people into our "inner circle" of being without qualifying them. No matter how much we evolve or invest in ourselves personally, if we surround ourselves with people who do not relate to, support, understand or acknowledge and respect our journey, we are, in a way, sabotaging our own growth.

We all have levels and degrees at which we interact with other human beings. An acquaintance, for example, is categorized differently than a friend and is shared with and trusted on a completely different plane. The "inner circle", however, is the personal space that immediately surrounds us...the place we are most vulnerable, exposed and our true selves. Who and what comprises this circle is also our well that we draw from, the people we share our biggest fears and highest aspirations with, those who play an integral role in our lives and are considered an extension of our support system. As you might imagine, it would seem that such an important role would warrant some type of criteria to be met. Unfortunately, we are not always consciously aware of how we are approving or inviting people to share such an intimate journey.

As an exercise, imagine yourself at the center of a diagram of a shooting target, in the Bullseye position, and we will call that the "inner circle". Each of the larger circles that gradually surround are the more peripheral levels at which you interact with people, from strangers to friends, etc. Consider who might fall into the varying categories and how much impact each of those categories has on your state of mind. More importantly, inquire within to understand what kinds of criteria determines which category someone falls in to. Ask yourself what types of qualities and attributes a person might need to have before you allow their energy to share your space. After all, their presence could be electrifying and wonderful, or toxic and counterproductive. If you have never considered this concept, you may realize you have many people sharing, if not polluting, your personal dynamic. Also, even if you have a version of this concept at play in your life, consider updating the criteria as you evolve, so as to continue to prune the garden in which you plant your most precious seeds.

Just like you wouldn't give your house alarm code to just anyone you know, so should you consider who you have given the code to your inner haven. We should be encouraged to reprogram our inner circle security code and give it only to those who have demonstrated, over time, to possess the criteria we deem necessary for that level of access. By doing this, we will have harnessed all of the energy being dispersed into bottomless receptacles and created a much more synergistic environment in which to exist.

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

Avoid "Storms" By Paying Attention To The "Weather"

Those of us who have weathered a storm of any kind know there are varying degrees of potential peril associated with such an experience, directly correlated to the caliber and level of danger the weather occurrence has been labeled with. If the storm becomes a formidable force, escalating rapidly to the next category of impact on the environment, we are often faced with tough choices. Do we hunker down and ride it out...do we shoot up a flare and hope someone sees it to come and offer assistance...or, in dire circumstances, do we abandon a ship we know is going down and try to save ourselves? Hmmm...sound like familiar scenarios?

The truth is, even if we haven't literally been snowed in for days, had to evacuate our region to run from a hurricane, or been forced to jump from a building going up in flames...life has thrown, and will continue to toss storms our way that pose similar dilemmas. However, these "storms" are much more difficult to make firm and exacting decisions about once they hit. When what seems like an earthquake rocks the very foundation of our marriage, for example, how do we know what to do? When what feels like a tornado tears through our career like a freight train, changing the landscape of our reality...what then? When the sea has begun to swallow the ship we are on...at what point does survival instinct kick in?

Well, for goodness sake, who wants to get caught up in a natural disaster of life and have to make a split decision whether to "hold 'em or fold 'em"? No hands in the air? Ok. Well, then it sounds like the key is to attempt to avoid such events altogether. Ahhh, much better option.To do this, we must simply tune in to the "weather channel" a.k.a. PAY ATTENTION. We are responsible for our own happiness, not just creating it but PRESERVING it. Thus, it makes sense that we should take as much care to maintain and protect our environment from potential threats as we took to build and grow it. This means monitoring our personal atmosphere for shifts in weather so as to best understand, prepare for or even counteract what is coming our way. Almost zero major dramatic events happen in life without some sort of signs...looking for and recognizing those signs is what we must train ourselves to do. By learning how to predict life's storms, we rarely have to experience the full brunt of them and can often shield our environment so well that we emerge from such events relatively unscathed.

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WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: The UN-Blame Game

Many, if not most, of the ideas we come to adopt about who we are and how we came to be this person were formulated when we were children and young adults. We then set off into "life" with this set of default understandings which make up our "STORY" that we tell to others (and ourselves). Some of this story is part of our "sob" story or is made up of some of the undesirable aspects of our history (and present)...much of which we have tagged with various names.

However, now that we are older (and hopefully wiser) and have a lot more life experience and ability to discern fact from fiction, let's take a trip down memory lane and see how many of those tags are inappropriate. So, here is your personal growth assignment for the week: The UN-Blame Game.

1) Make a list of everything you can think of that you feel about your childhood, life, current state of affairs, your personality, appearance, anything at all that you see as negative or unfortunate.

2) Now go through that list and see what kind of blame you may have assigned to any of these. Do you tell yourself you are fat because "it runs in the family"? Do you say that you didn't finish college "because you got married or pregnant"? Do you attribute your personality to being raised by a dominant mother? Do you eat crappy or drink too much because your spouse does it? Did you give up on your "Dream" because your parents thought it was crazy and didn't support you? Did you lose your life savings because "that darn televangelist" manipulated you out of it? Did you stay with your husband for an extra 10 years "for the children"?

3) Now ask yourself, in every instance in which you find there is a "TAG" whether or not that is TRUE. Did you REALLY not finish college because you got pregnant, or did you not finish because it wasn't important enough to you to go back when you could? You can see how removing some of these falsehoods may drastically change our thinking, and even our relationships. We may find that we have held resentment toward people, assigning them blame for our lot in life, when in truth we had a CHOICE. While there are many tags that are accurate, many are NOT. In fact, one of the biggest ones you will find as you are digging around is one with YOUR name on it, and it will be stuck to stuff that you have no "fault" in.

Happy UN-TAGGING, folks!

We Must Name The Pain In Order To Ease It

Unless you are one of the few human beings on this earth who has been blessed with perfect health, you have probably had the exciting opportunity to experience some version of the following scenario at least once in your life. You get an ache, a pain, a weird symptom or simply a feeling that "something just isn't right". You make an appointment with the doctor hoping he or she will immediately recognize what the drama is, dispense the appropriate advice or prescription, and suddenly you're on the road to being healthy again. What ends up happening, however, is a long drawn out process of elimination that includes testing, discounting and treating different possibilities until days, weeks, months or maybe even years later an accurate diagnosis is made. Living in pain, discomfort or dis-ease for the period of time that passes until a solution is discovered can be quite frustrating, yet it is a simple concept---we cannot cure what we cannot identify.

This same concept holds true in our emotional and psychological realm of health and wellness. We may find ourselves feeling as though "something is missing", or wake up to find ourselves covered by a dull layer of disenchantment, or suddenly experience a sense of unease that has an anonymous origin. We often approach these situations much like we do physical ailments, by treating the symptoms that come with our "condition". We may involve ourselves in forms of escapism such as throwing ourselves into work, drinking or drugging, checking out every night in front of the boob tube or the like. We may try to offset our malcontent by finding new and exciting things to do. The truth is, however, that regardless of what we do to "cope" with what IS, we cannot resolve it until we NAME it.

Easier said than done, of course. After all, what if we actually turn that flashlight on and start digging around inside and get a diagnosis that is too painful to bear, shatters our illusions or requires LOTS of rehab? What if we come to the conclusion that our chronic pain will only be remedied by divorce, or a paradigm shift, or a career change? What if it means bankruptcy, or an overhaul of our behavior or habits? What if we realize we are so far off the mark that the gap to bridge seems galaxies away? It's no wonder we are inclined to shy away from recognizing and labeling the source, but there really is no other "road to recovery" than that of truth. We must, when we find ourselves steeped in dis-ease, have the courage to investigate and identify the cause. Only then can we formulate an appropriate, and EFFECTIVE, remedy. Only then can we glimpse the door we must walk through. Only then can we begin to write the next chapter.

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STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: Don't SHOOT The Messenger, TIP Him

We have all been there...standing in that moment immediately after having just opened a "truth telegram" feeling as if the only possible way to erase that truth is to simply choke, shoot or eliminate the messenger. Then, after resisting the urge to take the messenger out "RAMBO-style", we usually move on to other techniques designed to resist successful delivery. Sometimes we attempt to discredit the messenger...questioning their integrity or motives...rationalizing to ourselves and others that we should "consider the source". At other times, we attempt to disqualify them, making an argument that they are not informed enough about us to make such a delivery. The reality is, however, that truth is truth...no matter who the messenger is.

Life has a funny way of revealing us to ourselves through other people. This function is vital to our evolution and growth as we move along our journey. When we have a false reality that we have adopted that has caused us to stall in our attempts at progress, the universe eventually will send a messenger to tell us what we need to hear in order to break through. Sometimes this messenger will be a beloved and trusted friend, sometimes a stranger, sometimes an enemy. Sometimes they will tell us that we drink too much, that we need to start walking the walk, that we need to be true to ourselves or occasionally, that we are being a Grade-A Jerk. Regardless of the message, if we want to be conscious "evolvers", we must be willing to receive the message before determining that is has been misdirected to the wrong party.

One of the easiest ways to determine if there is any truth to a message is to pay keen attention to how we feel during and after delivery. The clues are all there. It is quite possible that the message is completely off and doesn't belong to us. More often than not, however, there is at least a sliver of truth in most messages we receive. If we can listen to our hearts and determine which aspects of the message resonate with us we can determine how to use the information to our benefit. If we can audit our inner dialogue we may reveal exactly how the truth does indeed belong to us. Often times an all out DEF-CON 4 approach and injured posture is a tell-tale sign of a truth we desperately want to deny. Remember though, that these messages are like the breadcrumbs leading us home. We will not be the best we can be if we do not allow ourselves to be human and learn from our own experiences. Messengers should not be shot, they should be tipped...after all, they offer the nuggets of freedom from our illusions.

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Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

Two Steps Toward Getting What You Want

While the steps we are about to consider may seem simple, and are surely no guarantee, I can assure you that you will be much closer than you have ever been to getting what you want.

Step 1: Identify What You Want. Like I said, simple right? It seems that way, but is it really? Many times we find ourselves restless or in a state of searching, wanting, needing something more...but have no idea what the heck that is. However, if we cannot pinpoint or recognize our own needs, wants or desires...if we cannot identify what it is that we want to change, enhance or manifest, it is not likely to happen. So, instead of just sitting there feeling frustrated, go on an expedition into your subconscious and summon those thoughts to the surface so you can have a tangible goal to build around.

Step 2:  Ask For It. I know, simple again, right? If so, then why don't we do it? If you feel like you are underpaid, why don't you ask for a raise instead of feeling disgruntled? If you want more quality time with your spouse, why don't you ask for it as opposed to feeling less significant than you'd like? If you want to transform a friendship, why not communicate your desires instead of dropping people? If you want your kids to take more responsibility for themselves, why don't you ask them to rather than feeling like a self-sacrificing martyr? Sure, maybe you won't get everything you ask for, but guess what? You'd be surprised at how much you DO get! Additionally, if the boss says you don't get a raise or promotion, you can at least walk away with either the knowledge of what you need to do in order to meet his expectations for such or the realization that it won't happen so you can decide whether you want to live with that.

If we want our reality to be different, we must first know what we want to change and have the courage to ask for it. Expecting other people to be mind-readers is just plain silly. Chances are, initiating this process will probably open dialogues in which others will also feel comfortable communicating their desires and needs, making our interactions with them more healthy and fulfilling from both perspectives.

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