Erin Williams Coaching Blog

WHOA...Emotional Time-OUT!!! (plus "Me-Breaks")

If there is one thing that is constant in life, it is change. While most change is gradual, such as the aging process or evolution, many of us experience an occasional rapid shift in our personal environment from time to time that leaves us a bit overwhelmed emotionally. Whether this flip flop stems from circumstances out of our control, is the rising of an already existing tide or is stimulated by an awakening of sorts, we may find ourselves struggling to process an unusually large amount of information in a short period of time...almost as if we are a networked printer that every user decides to submit manifestos to for production at the same exact second. At one moment, we may be moving along at a steady, comfortable pace only to wake up one morning with our queue so backed up that our system becomes overloaded, confused, slow and burdened.

While we cannot always avoid these experiences, as this is a reality of life, we can work to adjust our ability to manage such draws on our energy by taking the time to center ourselves. Our mind, body and spirit...arguably the most complex combination housed in one location...is much like a machine. At any given moment there are enumerable and unfathomable amounts of physiological, intellectual, and emotional processes taking place...all designed to maintain balance and survival. When our system becomes overloaded, however, it begins to send error reports in the form of physical symptoms, lack of clarity, or a general uneasiness. While most of us gather data through every port possible...it is our emotional stream that is what often gets clogged making it difficult to take the information, process it, categorize it, make decisions and promote efficiency. Even if the brain is sending message after message to our heart, requesting a sign off on movement, it will not be until we reconcile our feelings and emotions with the logic that we can move to the next concept.

One of the biggest contributors to this quandary is our tendency to not recognize when it is time to take an "emotional TIME-OUT". Often, it's not until there are 10 frustrated people standing over the printer complaining about why it is taking so long for their project to print that we realize that we need to withdraw into our own space for a minute, an hour, a day or week to gain perspective. The key to avoiding having to post a message that reads "OUT OF INK" is to give ourselves permission to conduct regular maintenance. We must remember that we deserve to be taken care of too, and that we cannot rely on this to be done if this task is assigned to everyone else's job description but our own. Taking accountability for our own well being and doing what is necessary to get-off the roller coaster that can come with self-sacrifice and neglect is not just a gift to ourselves...but a gift to those who rely upon us as we are able to satisfy their needs more consistently.

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The Key to Making "IT" Happen

We have all encountered people in our lives who seem to be charmed...those whose journeys seem to be punctuated by success and fulfillment on many levels. While we may struggle to reach goals they bask in the glory of achievement...while we may suffer enumerable snags they seem to have no formidable obstacles to deal with. For them, life appears to be easy. We may often chalk this up to "luck" or the perceived disparity in the relative hand we have been dealt...but the truth is, that every single one of us has our own burdens to overcome...our own demons that haunt us...our own set of circumstances that can potentially thwart our growth. The difference between those of us who excel and those who do not never usually lies in the lot we have been given...but in what we do with it.

Studying those who do great things or who draw to themselves that which they desire reveals that there is indeed a magic formula that sets them apart. While the recipe is, of course, full of ability and talent...the most important ingredients are those which serve to engage and activate those ingredients. We all have the ability to create success and happiness in our lives...the stamina to endure hardships...the grit to fight for what we want...yet the missing component is often the intangible essence that is somewhat of a "knowing". Those who possess the ability to, despite all odds, make "IT" happen, whatever "IT" may be for them...do so because they believe. No matter what strategy or tactics they might employ...the strategy is nothing without the will behind it.

Learning to have the confidence in ourselves that overpowers doubt is not easy, but possible. We must shed the weight of inner dialogues that tell us we are incapable, unworthy or ordinary. Learning how to become convicted by our passion is essential to navigating the obstacle course that lies ahead and if we can become fearless in our attempts to ask for, strive for and reach for what we want, there lies the promise of eventual victory. When we can learn not to accept defeat we remove the shackles that restrict us from accepting success. Methods, plans and strategies are ever-evolving, changing with the situation we are negotiating...this we cannot control. What we can control is the feeding of an unwavering belief that we can and will bring to fruition that which we aspire to...that we will manifest in our lives that which we imagine, in some way or another. The way is the not what we must attach ourselves to...it is the "knowing" that we must affix to our being and let it go for nothing. By doing this, we can breakthrough the self-imposed prison in which we reside and free ourselves to claim that which has been earmarked for us. The power lies within...we must summon it, fashion it into a sword that can be wielded to cut through all that binds us...and become a power-FULL force that cannot be stopped.

Being "Good" is Not a Quality...It's a CHOICE

Many times we refer to someone as a "good" person, a "good" husband, a "good" parent, a "good" boss or a "good" friend. In doing this we are usually assigning this label to someone as a quality, trait or attribute along with a myriad of other adjectives we use to describe people. Although very few of the humans we interact with can actually be honestly characterized in this way, the truth is that we ALL have the potential to earn this moniker, as being "good" is not a quality...it is a CHOICE.

To quote Albus Dumbledore, "It is not our abilities that show what we truly are...it is our choices." Anyone who can be considered a good husband, for example, distinguishes himself as such by the choices he makes on a daily basis. Unlike his co-worker who might be cheating on his wife with the company secretary, the good husband chooses to resist the urge to dilute his marriage with indiscretions. Anyone who can be considered a good parent can be recognized by the willingness to make the hard choices necessary in order to raise a healthy, well-rounded child that is capable of meeting the world equipped with the tools required to secure his own independent happiness.

The common thread sewn into the fabric of such goodness becomes obvious when we analyze the choices we have made that define who we are. The plain and simple of it all is that...being "good" isn't always easy. In fact, most of the time, it's a downright conscious effort we must encourage ourselves to expend. The belief, however, that some people are good and some people are not is an untruth rallying to the top of the list of things we sell ourselves in order to alleviate accountability. If we do not want to be good, that is our choice, but we cannot believe we do not have the potential to be good. It has been said that integrity can be defined by "who we are when no one is watching". But, if we think about it...someone IS always watching...even if it is only us. Have a "good" day.

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The Reward of Stepping Out From Behind Our Own Shadow

Many of us have experienced living in someone's shadow; an adored sibling, a golden co-worker or peer, an honored supervisor, an award winning teammate...even a high profile parent. Those of us who have experienced this dynamic of interpersonal relationships know what it feels like to be afraid to expose our efforts at a new enterprise or endeavor as we fear the comparison to "he or she who can do no wrong". Often we keep our ambition under wraps to avoid judgment or scrutiny. However, much of the time, the shadow we really fear stepping out from behind is our own.

Think about it. We have all enjoyed some degree of success or acclaim in our lives, some more than others, of course. Whether we were heralded as an amazing parent, won "Salesperson of the Year" ten times in a row, were a teacher's pet in school, were a dynamic entrepreneur, or always seemed to rise to the top quickly in each new undertaking, we have experienced a wave of positive feedback from society and those closest to us. We would be lying if we said we didn't enjoy the recognition and admiration we received for being good at something. When we embark upon new territory, though, we often marinate in our own fear of not living up to the standards we believe we set for ourselves in other areas of our lives. In fact, the more successful we have been, the more the expectations exist (often our own more than others) for us to be successful on our new journey.

Imagine how this dynamic might be present in a career transition or total about-face. When we have operated at a high level of competency and respect in a certain career or vocation, it is sometimes difficult to imagine walking away from that established persona, complete with the built in confidence earned over the years, to pursue a new line of work...even if that new path much more closely parallels the hopes of the heart. To combat this fear when contemplating such a change, we must be compassionate in our allowance of time and energy alloted to fully engage in the new process and refrain from putting too much pressure on the immediacy of favor. After all, when "starting over" or "readjusting our position", we cannot expect ourselves to be as well equipped in a new area as we were as an expert in another. And, finally, we might revisit the reasoning for leaving our former station to begin with, as it might have much to do with alleviating ourselves from the associated pressures and responsibility of such a position...giving us the quality of life we have always dreamed of that didn't come with the aforementioned package. We must not let our ego trick us into striving to be the best at something, just for the sake of being the best at something, at the cost of that which we have worked to build...happiness.

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Weekly Directive: Test Your Transmitter

This week's directive is simple, but sure to yield surprising results. I want you to test your "transmitter". If you think you know what kinds of vibes you emit, how people perceive you, what people pick up on when they talk to you...you might be sorely mistaken. The truth is, that even your closest friend, family member or, for goodness sake, your mate, probably doesn't have a full understanding of "who you are" at the core.

If that's true, it could be one of two things. ONE: Their "receivers" are broken.  TWO: Your "transmitter" is broken. Or, perhaps, just a faulty wire that shorts out here and there. Regardless, let's put it to the test.

Cut and paste the following questions and send them to people you feel know you well, asking them to respond honestly. Don't give them hints or lead their answers...allow them to answer freely.

1. What do you think my ultimate objectives in life are?

2. If I could be summed up by a phrase, quote or saying...what would it be?

3. If I made my beneficiary, upon my death, a charity...what would it be?

4. What obstacles do I hope to overcome in my lifetime?

5. What would be my dream job?

Upon receipt of the answers to these questions, review how accurate they are to your true nature. You may find that you are not transmitting into the world that which you hope to manifest in your life and thus need to "go on the record" and place your order more clearly. Or, you may find that, embarrassingly enough, the perception is dead-on yet clarifies a reality you would like to change. 

The Advantage of Predicting Life's "Storms"

Those of us who have weathered a storm of any kind know there are varying degrees of potential peril associated with such an experience, directly correlated to the caliber and level of danger the weather occurrence has been labeled with. If the storm becomes a formidable force, escalating rapidly to the next category of impact on the environment, we are often faced with tough choices. Do we hunker down and ride it out...do we shoot up a flare and hope someone sees it to come and offer assistance...or, in dire circumstances, do we abandon a ship we know is going down and try to save ourselves? Hmmm...sound like familiar scenarios?

The truth is, even if we haven't literally been snowed in for days, had to evacuate our region to run from a hurricane, or been forced to jump from a building going up in flames...life has thrown, and will continue to toss storms our way that pose similar dilemmas. However, these "storms" are much more difficult to make firm and exacting decisions about once they hit. When what seems like an earthquake rocks the very foundation of our marriage, for example, how do we know what to do? When what feels like a tornado tears through us like a freight train, changing the landscape of our reality...what then? When the sea has begun to swallow the ship we are on...at what point does survival instinct kick in?

Well, for goodness sake, who wants to get caught up in a natural disaster of life and have to make a split decision whether to "hold 'em or fold 'em"? No hands in the air? Ok. Well, then it sounds like the key is to attempt to avoid such events altogether. Ahhh, much better option.To do this, we must simply tune in to the "weather channel" a.k.a. PAY ATTENTION. We are responsible for our own happiness, not just creating it but PRESERVING it. Thus, it makes sense that we should take as much care to maintain and protect our environment from potential threats as we took to build and grow it. This means monitoring our personal atmosphere for shifts in weather so as to best understand, prepare for or even counteract what is coming our way. Almost zero major dramatic events happen in life without some sort of signs...looking for and recognizing those signs is what we must train ourselves to do. By learning how to predict life's storms, we rarely have to experience the full brunt of them and can often shield our environment so well that we emerge from such events relatively unscathed.

Please share your thoughts by commenting...

Live and Let Live

We have become a nation of nosy, meddling, know-it-alls who, for some reason, think that we have the right to deliver constant judgment or criticism about the way other people live their lives. Who do we think we are? Who died and left us king of the free world, our city, our neighborhood, our circle of friends or PTA? What makes us think that we have the right to be a constant stream of droning unsolicited advice? The irony is, that despite the fact that we have become self-righteous enough to make a mental check-list of how everyone we know could be better people, we HATE when people have the audacity to put our lifestyle or choices under their microscope.

Sure...under certain circumstances we have a right to communicate our concerns or needs if someone's behavior directly affects our quality of life but, in most cases, we must accept the fact that people have the right to be who they want to be. Yeah...we might be irked by the fact that our neighbor parks his cars on the street instead of his driveway...but really, folks, is it that big of a deal? We might think that a friend is making poor decisions in regard to relationship choices and believe we have the answer to their happiness, however, their lessons and journey are their own. There is a fine line between being available to people for guidance and support versus constantly projecting our version of life onto others.

It is not our job to police other people. In fact, don't we have more than enough crap on our own plate to worry about? It's time we had a reality check and tended to the weeds in our own yard. On top of that, haven't we learned that we cannot change people...and more importantly, that we shouldn't want to? If so-and-so would rather eat pizza every night rather than have a svelte appearance, so what? If our co-worker wants to show up to work hungover every day, that is his choice...and his consequence. If our sister decides to marry a woman, guess what...none of our business. If we can retire from being the judge and jury responsible for validating everyone else's choices, we will find ourselves to be a lot happier as individuals as we regain the energy wasted making the world's things to do list.

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"DANGER, Will Robinson!"

Any of us that have memories of the classic 1960's television series Lost In Space surely recall the catch phrase, "Danger, Will Robinson!" The family robot issued this warning to the child Will when it detected impending doom or harmful situations. In today's pop culture society, some use this term, often accompanied by a parody of the famous oscillating arms of the panicked robot, to help alert someone that they might be making a mistake, walking into a situation with blinders on, or just plain unaware of the hazardous terrain ahead. Some even convey the degree of perceived peril by the measure of the robot's actions we integrate into our simulation, ie the "one armed" danger, "two armed" danger, and then of course, the full body rotating torso with both arms flailing wildly in all directions indicating acute risk.

Although this tactic or concept is not usually appropriate in professional environments, (Imagine standing up in a board meeting, midstream during a colleague's pathetic presentation that is a sure to fail miserably, and echoing the sentiments of every nodding person in the room by issuing an alert, Lost in Space style), we will find that humor often makes delivering sensitive information easier. For example, close friends, couples or family members often come up with inside jokes or phrases that they use to communicate amongst themselves...typically trigger words that bring immediate awareness to a situation. We use these to tell someone that they have food in their teeth, an open zipper, that they have had too much to drink, that they are being a jerk, that someone they really want to avoid is coming up right behind them, etc...all ways of working together to obtain as much degree of view as possible.

When it comes to serious issues, however, it is often difficult to weigh in with feedback that might cast us as the Debbie Downer in the "Life is Beautiful" Parade someone we know is preparing for. We fear that if we speak up or point out some things to be cognizant of we might be perceived as judgmental, jealous or negative. While we do need to investigate our motives before offering our perspective, we must also not be afraid to do what is right by the people we love and care for...which is to honor, support and protect them. When someone we love is walking into a precarious pathway...we can and should find a way to help them recognize what they don't see so at least they can walk into it with awareness, instead of just thinking to ourselves, "What the *&@# is this person thinking?" So...the next time you are at lunch with a friend and you are talking about investing your whole life savings in some log cabin communities in Florida, don't be surprised if your friend starts gyrating in his chair wildly, knocking people over with what seems like seizure like arm movements, and with a glassy robot-like stare cries "DANGER!" At least, that is, if he is a good friend.

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The Key to Success Lies "Behind the Scenes"

Anyone who has ever had the pleasure of taking in a Broadway show, sat captivated by Cirque du Soleil acrobats or been thrilled by Las Vegas performers must realize how much work has gone into such a fantastic presentation. From the casting of roles to the tireless effort put into rehearsals...the costuming, staging, directing, lighting, hair, makeup, marketing, venue management...the list goes on and on. Ask anyone responsible for managing such a mesmerizing success and they will easily share that the keys to manifestation lie in the establishment of a master plan that is supported by attention to every detail, troubleshooting galore and solid execution. Although the "show" is what people come in droves to experience, it is only possible because of the work that is done "behind the scenes".

Learning how to apply this thought process to different aspects of our lives can be quite useful. After all, our lives are a culmination of the work we put into them, the product of the thoughts and actions we have had in the past. We all have dreams, goals, visions...ones that we cast into the sky and contemplate regularly. This is the equivalent of giving our show a name and placing it out on the marquee in lights...however, just naming the show, or saying we want to have a show, is just the beginning. The caliber of show we produce, or life we lead, is a direct result of the behind the scenes work we do. Most of us are great at identifying what we want or where we want to be...doing the actual work to make it happen, however, is the only way to get there.

If we have goals that are yet unmet...visions that have yet to materialize...or dreams that are still just that, dreams...it is likely to do with the fact that we are not putting in the effort behind the scenes that is necessary to set an opening night. To inspire ourselves to identify, organize and initiate the behind the scenes work needed in order to turn our dream into a reality we can do this: First, imagine our dream on the marquee. Imagine the posters around town publicizing our show, see people buying the tickets, saving the date on their calendars to attend. Imagine the sense of excitement and pride we will feel when opening night rolls around and patrons are funneling themselves into our theatre to glimpse that which we have created. When we can envision the realization of our goal...we can then work backwards in our mind to populate the lists of things to do in order to prepare for it's debut. Although we will never be able to pull off a perfect performance or anticipate every snag...we can only expect our show to be as good as the work we put in. The level of commitment we adopt and degree of conviction with which we invest ourselves in securing our show's success is a true demonstration of our deepest desire.

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Weekly Directive: An Exercise in Gratitude

This week's personal growth assignment is EASY! Really, no fooling. Find a quiet stretch of time during which you will not likely be interrupted, along with a way to write or document thoughts. Here we go:

I want you to make a "Things I am Grateful For" list. Yes...I realize this isn't a new concept, yet if you haven't actually done it before, you are missing out on the impact. Don't blow it off. Take a few moments and start listing the things you are grateful for...anything. It could be your mate, children, the fact that you still have your hair or teeth, your sense of humor, Viagra, your job, a stroke of luck, your sensibilities, recovery from illness, your wife's new boob job...whatever.

I PROMISE you...when you finish this list, you will realize that you have a LOT to be grateful for which, in turn, overshadows that which you might be complaining about on a regular basis.