Erin Williams Coaching Blog

The Main Obstacle To What You SAY You Want: FEAR

There are not many of us whose tale can be unraveled without the presence of at least one scenario in which our attempt at going out on a limb left us on the ground staring up at a tree. We have all experienced times when traveling outside of our comfort zone left us shell shocked and running wildly back to the safe recesses of our own protective barriers. We have come to take leaps of faith that left us feeling exposed, vulnerable and even foolish. The question is, have we allowed these perceived lapses in judgment to create a skeptical and tentative outlook on our possibilities?

While there is something to be said for taking the necessary measures to detect fatal flaws in our plans, we must be careful not to allow our fear of being hurt or becoming vulnerable to others to dissuade us from taking chances. We must look closely at why we have not achieved what it is that we say we want. Has the relationship we hope for eluded us only because we have been afraid to open our hearts to someone...has the job or career we dream of been simply waiting for us to claim it...has the life we have always wanted simply been left unlived by us? The truth is that, yes, there is the potential we could wind up with a broken heart, a damaged ego, or in a state of humiliation...but we could also end up with love, success and happiness. We have to push ourselves to the point at which our desire for that quality of life is stronger than our fear of our advances toward it being rerouted or rebuffed.

Try this. Write down all of the greatest things in the world that have ever happened to you. Every victory, every shining moment, every piece of your life that made you feel as if you had found the essence of what life is all about. Any major component of your life, or person you cherish, that you identify as a positive milestone came at the price of vulnerability. Whatever is on that list, you had to, in some way, put yourself out there to get. In those times, your leap of faith or advance toward something paid off, big time. We can use these experiences to comfort and support ourselves as we tip toe out of our comfort zone once again...looking both ways for an "all clear"...and know that while we may not always find what we want on each outing...that what we want definitely exists and requires us to meet it un-guarded, un-masked and as our genuine, authentic selves.

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"I MADE IT!"...Wait, WHY Am I Not Happy??

If this internal musing resonates with you, then you are probably like the rest of the human beings here on this marble we call Earth. For each of us, it is probably safe to say that there has been at least one point in our lives when we arrived at a place we had once envisioned, only to realize that it didn't come with the feelings of satisfaction we had associated with reaching that destination. Many of us have spent days, hours, months or years striving to achieve or discover some far off objective and with it, all of the rewards we perceived to be connected with said milestone. How disappointing it can be, consequently, to find ourselves crossing the finish line and be met with the gut feeling that we have further yet to go to find fulfillment.

It is no surprise that we experience this wave of anticlimax, if we really think about it. Life can be pretty challenging at times and, in order to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and stay the course, we often have to set our "eyes on the prize" in order to stay motivated and inspired to do the work. When the alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m. and we desperately want to blow off our workout, for example, we focus on the image of ourselves as a more slim and trim version in order to drag ourselves out of bed. When we are cramming until midnight instead of hanging out with our friends, we envision ourselves with our degree and in a better career. When we are single, we stave off disappointment by dreaming of what life will be like we we are in love...when we are suffering adversity, we fantasize about calmer conditions to quiet our fears...when we dislike our environment, we take mental journeys to more pleasant surroundings.

Where we make our mistake all too often, however, is putting too much of our stock in that image in our mind's eye, in that moment of arrival. By doing so, we consciously or subconsciously begin to identify all we do as some type of sacrifice or investment toward reaching that moment, and the longer the list of sacrifices or investments we make, the more difficult it is to consider whether the original dream we cast is still right for us. In other words, the very thing we are working toward may have long ago become an outmoded piece of our happiness formula, yet we have a hard time reworking our vision when we have accumulated so much toward that particular path. We can't bring ourselves to not see the investment as "wasted time". We may work our tails off for years to get a certain promotion, only to find that we don't want it when it comes, but do we take it anyway because we have worked so hard to get it? Everything in this world changes, as do our wants and needs. If we can have the courage to be honest with ourselves about what we truly desire, and give ourselves permission to amend our course accordingly, we can find a life that is genuinely fulfilling.

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Understanding Our Motives For Wanting To Feel "NEEDED"

One of the most powerful "A-HA" moments I have witnessed from a personal and professional perspective is that of becoming aware of one's own underlying desire to feel "needed" and how, in turn, this desire affects every single choice we make. While wanting to feel needed is natural, many of us have become at some point virtually held captive by it, restricting and confining ourselves to what has become a life ruled by the fear of NOT being needed. The idea that we could be comfortable living a life where no one needs us and rely solely on the hope that people simply WANT us is so scary that we fashion our lives such that we are safe from becoming "abandoned".

Think about it. How many people do you know who date or marry significantly "below their caliber" in some form or another? Why is this? Why not chose someone who is an equal as opposed to someone who has "potential" or is a "fixer-upper"? You can argue that it is a matter of "taste" or personal preference but consider the possibility that many do not take the chance to choose an equal because there is no way to tether or bind that person to us. How many business owners or managers fail desperately to ever get their company or division working smoothly without their involvement? Sure, they complain about having to take phone calls on vacation, or deal with cleaning up messes...but very few are truly prepared to accept that their company can operate without them. They NEED to feel NEEDED. How many parents find the transition to the empty nest a most dreaded and painful reality? What WILL our kids do without us? Who will look out for them? Who will make sure they are eating right? They NEED us, and we NEED them to need us.

But let's look at how our need to be needed affects our reality negatively. First, our job as a parent is to raise our children to be independent, to be productive members of society, to one day lead and guide their own families and to have the confidence and faith in themselves to fulfill their destiny and dreams. Making them dependent on us robs them of this. Rendering our business or staff virtually incapable of operating without us makes us not only one day have a hard time selling or leaving the business but selfishly detracts from the chance for others to emerge into their own leadership potential. Choosing a relationship in which there are unhealthy gaps as opposed to complementary differences keeps us from growing to our potential and leaves others feeling unworthy or un-valuable. It takes a lot of courage to step out of our instinctual desire to be needed, however, when we find ourselves being WANTED even when we are not NEEDED we will understand our true value.

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One Extra Step That Can Change Your Life

Some of us are great at taking the time to consider all of the ramifications and consequences of a particular course of action before we take a step on that path. Some of us patiently filter our thoughts before issuing them into conversation, editing out verbiage we have deemed to be premature or in need of further review. Some of us have the gift of being able to see in our mind's eye a potential unfolding of reality based on a move we are contemplating. Most of us, however, don't fall into these categories and find ourselves in situations regularly that make us wish we had taken the advice "Look before you leap, think before you speak." Because many of us do find on occasion that the "bed we made" isn't so comfortable after all, we should investigate our patterns of thinking.

We have become a society poisoned with the idea of immediate gratification. We are accustomed to acting on impulse. When we see an opportunity to ease our pain/discomfort or experience pleasure, for example, we jump on it with little to no thought about what might come next. How many times have you witnessed someone spew thoughts as soon as they entered their mind only to realize later (sometimes mere seconds later) that those same thoughts were either inappropriate, inconsiderate, inaccurate, irresponsible or just plain idiotic? Worse yet, some of us have communicated thoughts or taken actions on a whim that have adversely affected our lives for the long haul...ones that can never be undone.

We must remember that every word we speak and every move we make shapes our lives. Because of this, we must be more responsible to ourselves, those we love and those who rely upon us, and resist the urge to do and say whatever feels right at that very second. Sure, quitting our job might sound like the best thing to do right after a staff meeting during which we got raked over the coals for something we weren't even involved with...but how are we going to feel about that decision in a week when we are unemployed in today's economy? Sure, dumping the girlfriend who just really pissed us off sounds like an easy solution to the pain we might be feeling right this moment, but how are we going to feel about that decision a few days from now when we remember how great she really is? A very wise man once told me, "Before you make a decision...think about how you will feel about your choice a minute from now, an hour from now, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, in ten years." A very easy way of using this big-decision tool for day to day issues is to simply integrate an extra step into our thought process...such as "Do I really want to say this?" or "What will happen if I do this?" or "Is this worth it?". Often times when we do take the extra time to process our thoughts or feelings, we may realize that when the emotional dynamic comes down out of hyper-drive and is once again married with logic and big-picture reasoning, our decisions may be quite different. Our reality is what WE MAKE IT...we can and should take more responsibility for how it shapes up.

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Are You A GOOD Friend? (Maybe, Maybe NOT)

Any of us that have memories of the classic 1960's television series Lost In Space surely recall the catch phrase, "Danger, Will Robinson!". The family robot issued this warning to the child Will when it detected impending doom or harmful situations. In today's society, some use this term, often accompanied by a parody of the famous oscillating arms of the panicked robot, to help alert someone that they might be making a mistake, walking into a situation with blinders on, or just plain unaware of the hazardous terrain ahead. Some even convey the degree of perceived peril by the measure of the robot's actions we integrate into our simulation, i.e. the "one armed" danger, "two armed" danger, and then of course, the full body rotating torso with both arms flailing wildly in all directions indicating acute risk.

Although this tactic or concept is not usually appropriate in professional environments, (Imagine standing up in a board meeting, midstream during a colleague's pathetic presentation that is a sure to fail miserably, and echoing the sentiments of every nodding person in the room by issuing an alert, Lost in Space style), we will find that humor often makes delivering sensitive information easier. For example, close friends, couples or family members often come up with inside jokes or phrases that they use to communicate amongst themselves...typically trigger words that bring immediate awareness to a situation. We use these to tell someone that they have food in their teeth, an open zipper, that they have had too much to drink, that they are being a jerk, that someone they really want to avoid is coming up right behind them, etc...all ways of working together to obtain as much degree of view as possible.

When it comes to serious issues, however, it is often difficult to weigh in with feedback that might cast us as the Debbie Downer in the "Life is Beautiful" Parade someone we know is preparing for. We fear that if we speak up or point out some things to be cognizant of we might be perceived as judgmental, jealous or negative. While we do need to investigate our motives before offering our perspective, we must also not be afraid to do what is right by the people we love and care for...which is to honor, support and protect them. When someone we love is walking a precarious pathway...we can and should find a way to help them recognize what they don't see so at least they can walk into it with awareness, instead of just thinking to ourselves, "What the *&@# is this person thinking?" So...the next time you are at lunch with a friend and you are talking about investing your whole life savings in some log cabin communities in Florida don't be surprised if your friend starts gyrating in his chair wildly, knocking people over with what seems like seizure like arm movements, and with a glassy robot-like stare cries "DANGER!". At least, that is, if he is a good friend.

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Pay Attention To The "SIGNS"

Many of us are familiar with what some refer to as the "little voice inside of our head", that which is also referred to as the Self or Subconscious. This little voice, although we often choose to ignore it, tends to be amazingly accurate in its attempt to assist us in reconciling our behavior and actions with that which is our genuine selves. This form of self guidance is often appreciated or recognized more in retrospect as we emerge from a situation in which a hidden truth has been revealed that we somehow instinctively suspected was present. Whether it is a gut feeling, hunch or instinct that somehow urges us to ask a question, move in a certain direction or avoid a situation altogether, these "messages" are important functions of our personal operating system.

Serving much like an internal GPS, our body and spirit will guide us away from personal dead-ends, one way streets, broken bridges, construction zones and the like by sending us messages in a myriad of ways. Whether it is a certain feeling to show up at a place unannounced, an urge to call someone we have not talked to in a while, or the need to do a little extra at work, being open to messages of all kinds is a way to move with the ebb and flow of life more fluidly and avoid getting stuck so far down a road that has revealed itself to have "NO OUTLET". Our true, authentic self will speak up and offer sound advice and, while we may not understand at the time how the tiny nuances of each adjustment will affect our journey, we simply must remember to trust ourselves.

If you have turned off the voice to your internal GPS I encourage you to turn it back on. If you have simply become so used to it that you don't even realize it is speaking to you, reacquaint yourself with its tone and cadence, so you can recognize and receive the guidance it offers in leading you down life's highways and byways. Or...if you happen to be hard headed or hard of hearing, turn up the volume!

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Is It Something Worth Fighting For?

As cliche' as it sounds, we would all have to agree that anything of signficant value worth having is worth fighting for. Whether it is a dream, a relationship, a career, a new level of fitness, financial freedom, sobriety, education or a magnified quality of life...what we want is never usually easy to achieve or secure. In fact, the more amazing the potential rewards of any such opportunity, the more challenging the work to earn it is. With every new vision we adopt as our own...with every new experience we identify as a goal...comes a set of challenges, even tests, to help determine our commitment and conviction. Only those realities we are willing to fight for typically stand the test of time.

While many opportunities that pique our interest begin as a dream, eventually as the path unfolds we are faced with obstacles that require us to dig deep and draw from our arsenal of personal resources in order to breakthrough those barriers. Love, for example, begins as a delicate, fragrant flower that attracts us by its promise of eternal bliss...only to reveal itself to need sustenance in order to survive and flourish. A new business venture or career path may drop in our lap, perfectly suited for our unique set of gifts and skills, only to require diligence, focus and unwavering support. A new state of mind introduces itself to us through "aha moments" or epiphanies, only to expose us to a new set of behaviors and ways of thinking we must integrate into our lives in order to own it. Regardless of what we set our sights on, the true test of our desire is whether or not we are willing to do "whatever it takes" to manifest any such opportunity.

No matter our path in life, we have all experienced business ventures that failed, relationships that fizzled, fitness initiatives that never stuck, resolutions that slowly dissolved in the caustic nature of our toxic, self-sabotaging tendencies. We have also enjoyed triumphs...remarkable results despite the risks and unfavorable odds we faced. The difference, of course, in the varying outcomes lies in the intention with which we approached any such endeavor. If we investigate our motives, search our spirits to insure we are only assigning ourselves to that which is truly what our heart desires, we will find a well of enthusiasm and passion with which to endure any setbacks. While most fulfilling opportunities in life come with unparalleled rewards, they also require honor, respect, discipline, gratitude and the occasional period of down and dirty work in the trenches to prove we are worthy stewards. When we find something worth living for...we have found something worth fighting for.

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Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: Get OVER It Already!!

If I hear one more person, including myself, bitching about something that happened 10 or 20 years ago I think I will hurl. I mean, come on, REALLY? Listen...we all have wounds. We all have our woeful tales of misery, our abusive pasts, our financial downturns, our broken hearts, our brushes with death. We all have resentments, short ends of the stick, missed opportunities, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. For goodness sake, though, how long are we going to tell the stories? How long are we going to keep these issues as active ingredients in our formula? How long are we going to allow these events to still carry so much emotional weight in our lives? THEY ARE OVER, DONE, KAPUT. WE CANNOT CHANGE THE PAST.

What makes us who we are is not what we experience or encounter in life, but how we choose to deal with, perceive and process what we experience and encounter in life. As long as we still hold those issues in our heart's "TO BE FILED" folder they are a present contributor to our state of mind, our identity and affect the decisions we make in life, whether we admit it to ourselves or not. Don't get me wrong...it is not about forgetting them, hiding them or storing them in a box, pretending they don't exist. I don't for one minute believe you will ever forget being abused by a parent, abducted by aliens or cheated on by a spouse, but you can learn how to embrace it as an unchangeable part of your journey and move on.

While you may think that this is easier said than done, it simply starts with intention. When you decide you no longer want to be a prisoner to your story you will do the work to close that chapter. If you think you don't have the TIME to focus on it, just use the time you generally allocate to obsessing, complaining, torturing yourself and re-living the story to begin thinking of how you can process this out of your queue. And lastly, if becoming more healthy and opening space and energy for positive things to come into your life isn't incentive enough to GET OVER YOUR DRAMA, think of this: WHO wants to be around someone who is a victim? Who wants to hear your same stories over and over? Do yourself and everyone else a favor, do the work and get over it already!

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Back-Up Plan Mentality ~~ Are We Conditioning Ourselves For Failure?

We are gradually becoming a society where almost every one of us has a Plan A, Plan B, maybe even all the way down to Z for everything. If this girlfriend doesn't cut the mustard, in our mind there's a drop down menu of replacement options ranked by degree of desirability...if this job doesn't work out, we already have another one lined up at a friend's place of employment...if our latest business scheme doesn't succeed we can live off of our savings or, worse comes to worse, our parents will always bail us out or let us come move back home, right? To assuage our fears, we construct a security web so we can go into situations with less vulnerability.

However, by putting so much effort into developing scores of "outs" for any such endeavor we are virtually conditioning ourselves for failure. We are PLANNING to not succeed. While it is not smart to  go into a commitment, project, relationship or business without taking a good hard look at the potential pitfalls and eyeing ways to protect ourselves from disaster, there is a distinct difference between that and developing a structure wherein failure is more comfortable than victory.

Some of the most amazing feats of ingenuity known to our culture were born from minds that were pushed to the limit. Many of the most successful ventures emerged against ridiculous odds and were lead by people whose lives were littered with adversity. Better yet, think about a couple who has an exquisite marriage that has stood the test of time and you will likely get a glimpse of two people who did not have a "plan B". We can learn from this. Having alternatives doesn't make us fearless...it is conviction makes us fearless.

The Cost Of Letting Ourselves Down...Again, And Again

Of all of the promises and commitments we make, yet fail to keep...the most impactful are those we make to ourselves. After all, the oaths we suggest ourselves to take are typically nominated as a result of a deeper understanding of what is best for us...borne from the internal workings of our mind, body and spirit...ones that have been sent as answers to questions in our hearts. Most of these pledges are not shared with others, they are whispered quietly in the solemn darkness of night...they are declared in bathroom mirrors...they are scribbled in our private journals...they are sewn into the fabric of our dreams. Because these agreements we make with ourselves not only constitute the directions for our "Best Life" recipe but also help us develop a fundamental trust, faith and belief in SELF, we must strive to honor them.

Although we are all human and are, and always will be, imperfect...we must consider what kind of programming we are doing when we consistently and consciously fail to meet our own needs. When we have come to learn, as a result of hard lessons and long expeditions of self-awareness, what is right for us...what is good...what is healthy, beneficial, and aligned with our best interests and those around us...what we "need" to do to grow and evolve, and then continually cave under the pressure of the work it takes to implement these, we begin to lose respect for ourselves. Eventually, over time, this cycle begins to make others lose respect for us as well. When we know, for example, that a habit or behavior is toxic...yet we keep doing it, we send a clear message to ourselves AND everyone around us that we have no intention of taking care of ourselves. Consequently, who will put their faith and trust in us to care for them if we cannot demonstrate the ability to care for ourselves...who  will honor and respect us if we do not honor and respect ourselves? How much weight do our words and promises carry to others if they see how easily we let ourselves off the hook?

To become better at keeping our commitments to ourselves, we must first explore the reasons why we fail. If, for example, we think we might be setting unreasonable expectations we should then consider adjusting them. If we find that we have no problem meeting commitments and keeping promises to others, we might explore why we have come to the conclusion that we are less important. If we lack self-discipline, we can address that as an independent objective. If we feel we would benefit from another source of accountability, we may share our commitments with a confidant as a way to go "on the record". Regardless of how we attempt to better care for ourselves, making the concerted effort to take our own welfare more seriously will make a significant impact on our self esteem and self worth, insuring the contribution we are to the rest of the world is that much more valuable.

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Cleaning Out The "Friend" Closet

As we grow and evolve on our personal journey and enter each new phase of enlightenment and understanding that yields to uncharted territory, we generally take a moment to reflect upon how to integrate the nuggets of knowledge and self-awareness we have recently acquired. Often the pause between stages stimulates us to analyze different aspects of our lives with our new filter of heightened clarity...curious to see how our current self-created environment reconciles with that which we hope to adopt. Among the many areas necessary to audit and review as we forge ahead is "the company we keep".

While some of us would attempt to dispute the degree of impact this "company" has on our lives, most would admit that the selection of people we choose to surround ourselves with plays a significant role in a myriad of aspects ranging from our state of mind to decision making to the way we view the world in general. It is because of the profound affect these people have on us that it is important to investigate the individual dynamics of our relationships at certain checkpoints in life to determine whether the sustenance these relationships offer is nourishing, malnutritious or even toxic. Just as we are affected by what we choose to eat, read, watch on television, listen to, or consume and process in any way...people and their energy are one of the largest sources of fuel and input we receive on a daily basis. While doing "People Inventory" isn't always fun it is a helpful and powerful tool for those of us who are serious about taking care of ourselves and understanding what and who contributes to our overall quality of life.

An easy way to conduct a preliminary scan is to grab our cell phone and open our contact list. As we scroll down through the names of people we interact with regularly, we will experience certain reactions to each person as we spend time thinking of them...or maybe no reaction at all, a sign in and of itself. By noting our emotional and physical responses to the varied players in our lives, we can identify those who have a comprehensive positive influence, those who are "insignificant others" and the few who have a negative impact on us. Once we complete this exercise, we can evaluate and adjust the ratio of time we spend with each category with the objective of shifting more time toward those who inspire us to be better versions of ourselves while minimizing our exposure to those who do not.

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GUTS Don't LIE...Trust Your Instincts

This prescription sounds pretty simple, doesn't it? In theory, yes, but from experience we all know it is easier said than done. How many times, for example, have we failed to follow this directive and kicked ourselves in the ass for it? How many times have we downright, straight-up or blatantly ignored our intuition or instincts, only to watch the dynamics of our unfolding reality grow remarkably familiar...almost as if it was expected? Since we have all experienced this in many different aspects of our lives, why then is this prescription so hard to swallow?

We must remember that our "GUT" is our internal GPS system...our mind, body and spirit's way of communicating information that is valuable to our journey. Through instincts, intuition, feelings and reactions experienced in the physical, emotional, spiritual, mental and personal realm, we are offered clues we are meant to PAY ATTENTION TO. So, if we could assume we have this part down (which might be a stretch)...then it comes to trusting our gut. This step is tough, usually because our gut is telling us something we don't want to hear or is difficult to discern. Sometimes we can make no sense whatsoever of the feelings, doubts or concerns we might be having because we don't yet see what is triggering them. Sometimes we don't know why we are drawn to certain people, jobs, or experiences with such conviction. Sometimes we have no idea why we have the sudden urge to come home early from work.This is where it gets murky, as many of us refuse to take direction, even from ourselves, unless we can understand it fully and know where it is leading.

We must, however, curb our need for total control and allow ourselves to be lead by our higher selves. Remember this: A) We don't have to be psychic, metaphysical, highly attuned, religious or spiritual to be able to have intuition. We all have it. It is about being AWARE  B)We can trust our GUT because guts don't lie. We may get a little confused as to how to interpret what the indicators mean...but the GUT is PURE truth  C) Following our GUT doesn't mean we have to change our whole life overnight...most of the time following our gut means slow down and time our time to get more data before moving forward, or try something new, or ask that question we have been wanting to ask. Yes, sometimes following our gut does indeed set a series of life-changing events in motion...but isn't that the whole purpose? If we have that in our GUT...that is what we are supposed to do. After all, haven't we kicked ourselves in the ass enough?

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Don't PUSH Too Hard...The GOOD Stuff Sells Itself

In many religious walks one of the components of adhering to the faith lies in "testifying" to other people, a way of exposing them to the belief system or "way of life" we have adopted. While some religions don't require this as an obligatory aspect of being part of the fold, several others often identify this as somewhat of a requirement or responsibility. However, regardless of where our loyalties lie or in what faith our spirit is steeped, one of the most effective ways to open other people's minds to new ways of thinking is to pique their curiosity by being a living example.

This concept, though, goes way beyond religion, however. Even those of us who are not religious...even those who are Atheists...have a way of life or thought process that we feel strongly about, or we wouldn't be living it. Beyond that, we have "ways of doing business", unique ways of communicating, ways of behaving, eating, loving...even our own way of folding laundry. We have what we would consider proprietary techniques and tested theories, processes made more efficient by our genius. It is when we believe that others would be better if they would "see or do things our way" that we run the risk of appearing self-righteous and turning people off to what might actually be good information. Learning how to allow people to recognize and be drawn to that which we have to offer by being what we believe is the key.

When we meet someone who possesses a quality that we admire, has a component to their life that has eluded ours, has reached a place we also want to be or simply has a spirit we are attracted to...we are naturally curious. We begin, as time passes, to question what they know that we don't, wonder how they live...how they think. This is when we are inspired to seek answers, and they are happy to share what they know. This, of course, is a beautiful, genuine and authentic way of "spreading the word" about anything whatsoever. We need not try to convert others...if what we believe or do is better for them, they will be drawn to us. Remember...everyone likes to buy...but no one wants to be sold. The good stuff sells itself.

OUCH! Becoming SELF-AWARE Can Be PAINFUL!

Although it has become widely accepted that the act of upgrading our degree of self-awareness is one of the keys to personal evolution and almost always a catalyst for change, for some of us it is no more inviting a process than a couple of hot pokers to the eyeballs. After all, when we stand still for a moment and draw our senses inward, shining a flashlight into the shadows of the realms we personally govern, we know for a fact there will be truths discovered in those places that will make themselves impossible to ignore and, therefore, require some kind of attention. For many, the pain and discomfort of standing in the mirror and accepting all of who we are...the good, bad and the ugly, is more than we can bear. The problem with this reality is that all of that which lies in wait for us on the next leg of our journey is like a universal trust fund that cannot be awarded until we have reached the level of maturity necessary in order to adequately manage the bounty.

Although this may make sense to us in theory, one of the unfortunate realities of our society is that escapism is a large part of our culture. While we all have our different formulas for postponing that face to face meeting with ourselves, we surely have an extensive menu of offerings to choose from. We can numb ourselves with booze or drugs as often as we'd like...we can live fantasy lives through our online identities in cyberspace...we can consume ourselves with work to the point that we only seek food and sleep...we can spend every second of our down time watching television or movies...we can appoint ourselves the family or neighborhood counselor, focusing on everyone else's issues but our own. The truth is that, until we develop the courage to stand in the mirror and actually seek and accept answers, they will not likely be delivered. Until the hope and desire for understanding becomes stronger than our need for comfort, entertainment and familiarity, we will continue to live a life of self-rationalized behavior and thinking, ignoring our potential to expand our horizons.

Don't get me wrong, folks, I am not saying this is always easy. It might feel like we are donuts that God is triple dunking into hot coffee. We might wish that we could go back to a life of ignorance after viewing our image without Photoshop and airbrushing. We may awaken understandings that make us buckle inside. We may cringe as we replay memories and scenarios back, watching them from an outsider's perspective. The beauty of the process, though, is unmistakable. We have the power to tap into knowledge and embrace truths that will allow us to grow remarkably...we have the resources available in our own beings to dissolve obstacles...we have the answers within us to every question we send outward. In order to emerge from this process, however, we must enter it. We must submit...the gifts lie beyond. So, the next time an opportunity presents itself and we are offered the choice, we can take a deep breath...ready ourselves...and open our eyes with the intention of actually seeing.

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STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: Refusing To Buy Other People's BS

There's not a lot we can do to protect ourselves from being lied to by others. For some people it is a conscious way of life, spinning their reality and persona to the world like a Public Relations guru. For others, their lies are bred in the depths of their subconscious caverns of fear, self-doubt and need. We will be offered subscriptions on a daily basis to some form of false reality, however, just because they are 'selling' doesn't have to mean we have to be 'buying'.

When we accept someone else's untruths, and integrate them into our operating system, then we are lying to ourselves. If our mate, for example, wants to convince themselves that they are trying their hardest to accomplish a certain goal, and maintains this argument daily, they are absolutely allowed to do that. If we, however, relay this to others as the truth, when we know it is not...we perpetuate a false reality and virtually enable people to live in denial by assisting in spinning the web.

Don't get me wrong...I am not suggesting that we start calling bullshit on everyone we meet or deputize ourselves as the official "Sorry sir, your statement has been rejected, please edit for truth and reality" issuers of the world. We are not here to manage everyone else's life. What I AM suggesting is that we take the time to run things through our own filter of logic and intuition to better insure that we don't accept every statement at face value and automatically adopt and accept as truth to us. One of the best ways to dispel the untruths we are faced with is to disallow them to be reflected back, forcing the issuer to challenge their own version of the truth and consider an alternative. The point is, we don't have to keep people from trying to sell something, but we don't have to be the distributor or vendor either.

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How To Alleviate The 'Growing Pains'

By 19 years old most of us have concluded the biological stages during which we might experience physical growing pains. By this time our bodies have done the major shifting, maturing and transforming necessary to build a stable and strong foundation which will support just about anything we decide to do as an adult. In the realm of the mind, heart and spirit, however, we experience growing pains intermittently throughout our whole lives. If you are nodding your head in agreement just now as if to confirm that you have experienced your fair share of these bouts of acute discomfort along your way, or are in the midst of one now, let's consider together how our perception of the process affects our ability to embrace it.

Emotional and personal growing pains occur at many different intervals in life and for many different reasons. On some occasions we are conscious of a need to evolve and mature as a person and we set out on an expedition of self-discovery, appointing ourselves as the chief 'emotional archaeologist'. In these cases we are more prepared to deal with and integrate that which faces us because we are seeking growth, thus making the growing pains less debilitating. In most cases, however, we are thrust ill-prepared into periods of personal transformation as we either encounter unknown territory, become challenged to rise to an occasion or get slapped with a painful reality. Regardless of our age, status in life, or list of achievements, we will continue to experience growing pains that indicate we are embarking upon a leg of our journey that requires us to develop new understandings, build new faith, explore new horizons and adopt new ways of thinking. In some instances, even what we thought we knew to be true dissolves away and must be replaced by heightened self-awareness.

If we can accept that with every trans-formative stage that yields a new and improved version of ourselves comes a certain amount of discomfort, we can embrace the growing pains as a part of being shaped by the universe to step into bigger shoes. Emotional growing pains are meant to draw attention to that which is occurring within us...designed specifically to clarify the root of the condition or associated cause. By recognizing the process, and becoming more aware of the lesson we are learning and tools we are being equipped with, we can glimpse the "big picture" that not only contains the biting Winter weather but encompasses also the Spring that follows. If we can envision the stage as an "upgrade" and imagine ourselves in the shop being re-calibrated for higher performance, we are more likely to submit willingly to the experience which in turn expedites progress and eases discomfort. Pay attention to the growing pains you experience...they are pregnant with truth, understanding and clarity.

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The Problem With Stuffing Your Emotions

We have all been there...found ourselves disoriented by some form of emotion. Sometimes it is a wave of sadness that crashes over us that seems to come from nowhere, yet sweeps us up nonetheless. Sometimes is an unnamed disquiet in our spirit that rises to the surface, threatening our emotional stability. Sometimes it is a rumbling storm of frustration and irritation that shakes and stirs us into an internal frenzy. Sometimes it is a longing so desperate that it haunts us. Sometimes it is our inner voice calling out for us to listen to what it has to say. Sometimes it is a fear so powerful that we become paralyzed by it. Yes...we can all relate to these myriad emotions, and most unfortunately, we can also all relate to doing our very best to ignore and stuff them.

Why not? Stuffing seems easier, right? After all, won't that wave of sadness finally break and be drawn back into the sea it came from if we ignore it? Won't that disquiet in our spirit finally blend into the background noise of our lives and become part of the choir instead of a soloist that demands our attention? Won't our frustration or irritation wane if we just brush it off? Won't our yearning fade if we sit with it long enough? Can't we hide from our fears and pretend they don't exist? Hmm...

The problem with stuffing and ignoring our feelings is that this prevents us from ever truly understanding and processing them.If we don't know where the sadness comes from, how can we know that the wave won't come in day after day...and how do we know we are not projecting our pain onto the wrong source? If we don't address and name the disquiet in our spirit, how can we be freed from it? If we don't get to the core of our frustration and irritation, how can we assuage it and keep it from bubbling over into the rest of the good parts of our lives? If we don't embrace our fears and face them, won't we by hiding forever? If we can imagine ourselves as having an emotional "inbox" it is likely that the damn thing would be stacked up to our eyeballs. Yet, if we canstart processing the stuff that gets dropped in their daily by life and keep the inbox light, we will be able to handle the big assignments that come our way. It is OUR RESPONSIBILITY to manage our own emotions...don't let them cost you more than you can afford or are willing to pay.

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Letting Others Determine Your Value

From a very young age we develop our sense of self image and value through the feedback we receive from other people. Our parents bathe us with accolades to encourage us toward what they perceive as good behavior, as well as chastise and discipline us for falling short or getting out of line. Through this process we are trained to listen to the outside world and ingest this feedback to create our own self image. As we grow older, the cycle continues and we further quantify our pricetag of personal value and worth through the reflections offered by our friends, mates, family, bosses, co-workers and strangers. What we must ask ourselves, however, is whether we have given away too much power in this realm.

When a relationship falls short of our needs, wants and expectations, for example, what is our reaction? Do we tell ourselves that if we were worthy of better then we would be getting it? When we don't get the promotion or raise at work, do we simply say to ourselves that we must not have deserved it? When people don't listen to us, does this mean what we have to say isn't important? When a friend doesn't do cartwheels and rave about our latest creative endeavor does this mean that it will have no audience? When our mate doesn't tell us we are attractive regularly, does this mean we aren't attractive?  Are we a different person this afternoon as we plunk around in our junker car than we were in the morning driving our drop top convertible just because we get less attention and head turns?

It is natural to incorporate the myriad feedback we get from the world and the people in it. It can actually be a very good way to sense when we are going in the right or wrong direction at times. What we must protect ourselves from, however, is yielding our "self-worth recipe" to the masses and not maintaining ourselves as the main ingredient. There is a voice inside of us that knows who we are and what we are made of, but if that voice is drowned out by the choir or peanut gallery, we have become lost to our own wisdom. Knowing our own value is like setting the tone for the movie...it is the soundtrack. If we can stay in touch with this and own it, we will be determining our self-worth from the INSIDE-OUT as opposed to the OUTSIDE-IN. To quote W. Somerset Maugham, "It is a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it."

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You MUST Take The PLUNGE

As a personal coach, I participate in lengthy discussions weekly with clients to help them characterize what their ideal life would look like. We identify all of the dynamics they would like to manifest in their lives as well as the obstacles that exist to bringing those to fruition. Week after week, we continue to clarify the vision of what they want to create and hone the strategies to support the plan, inching closer and closer to the formula that will make their aspirations spring to life. However, the stall almost ALWAYS comes at the same stage every time...the moment when they are standing at the edge of the precipice, looking into the unknown...the moment when the 'theorizing' is over.

As humans, this is the moment when fear washes over us like a tidal wave, threatening to take us under. Until then, it was fun to fantasize about what it would be like to open our own business, to relocate to another city, to follow a long-held dream, to pursue love. When it was just a conversation or a self-exploration exercise, it was exciting to visualize what our new and improved body would look like, empowering to get our business idea on to paper, encouraging to hear that our dreams were beautiful and that we are not crazy. It felt great to be understood, heard, accepted, supported and validated. However, once the 'thinking' is done and we are at the starting blocks of the 'doing', with the gun about to go off, we desperately want to yell out and say, "WAIT, wait...wait a minute. I am not quite ready...give me a second".

This happens to all of us. It's scary to implement change, to brush across your life with a new paint. We struggle at this moment, frantically backpedalling, bringing up all of the 'what-ifs'. No matter how much our plans make sense, we linger here, waiting to buy that ticket, saving that resignation email into the 'drafts' folder, delaying that call that will put things in motion. After all, as long as we don't actually do anything, we are not going on the record and haven't COMMITTED to our plan, and we can still breathe. I am here to tell you today that you have to move out of that comfort zone. I am here to tell you that you are not alone. I am here to tell you that we are all afraid we will fail...scared there is no UNDO button...worried that we might not be able to crawl back into our safe haven of unknowing once we awaken our spirit. I am here to tell you that you are meant to LIVE, you are meant to THRIVE, and you are meant to be HAPPY. And last but not least, I am here to tell you that even though you may shake down to your soul when you do it, that there is only one answer...YOU MUST TAKE THE PLUNGE.

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The Key To Making "IT" Happen

We have all encountered people in our lives who seem to be charmed...those whose journeys seem to be punctuated by success and fulfillment on many levels. While we may struggle to reach goals they bask in the glory of achievement...while we may suffer enumerable snags they seem to have no formidable obstacles to deal with. For them, life appears to be easy. We may often chalk this up to "luck" or the perceived disparity in the relative hand we have been dealt...but the truth is, that every single one of us has our own burdens to overcome...our own demons that haunt us...our own set of circumstances that can potentially thwart our growth. The difference between those of us who excel and those who do not never usually lies in the lot we have been given...but in what we do with it.

Studying those who do great things or who draw to themselves that which they desire reveals that there is indeed a magic formula that sets them apart. While the recipe is, of course, full of ability and talent...the most important ingredients are those which serve to engage and activate those ingredients. We all have the ability to create success and happiness in our lives...the stamina to endure hardships...the grit to fight for what we want...yet the missing component is often the intangible essence that is somewhat of a "knowing". Those who possess the ability to, despite all odds, make "IT" happen, whatever "IT" may be for them...do so because they believe. No matter what strategy or tactics they might employ...the strategy is nothing without the will behind it.

Learning to have the confidence in ourselves that overpowers doubt is not easy, but possible. We must shed the weight of inner dialogues that tell us we are incapable, unworthy or ordinary. Learning how to become convicted by our passion is essential to navigating the obstacle course that lies ahead and if we can become fearless in our attempts to ask for, strive for and reach for what we want, there lies the promise of eventual victory. When we can learn not to accept defeat we remove the shackles that restrict us from accepting success. Methods, plans and strategies are ever-evolving, changing with the situation we are negotiating...this we cannot control. What we can control is the feeding of an unwavering belief that we can and will bring to fruition that which we aspire to...that we will manifest in our lives that which we imagine, in some way or another. The way is the not what we must attach ourselves to...it is the "knowing" that we must affix to our being and let it go for nothing. By doing this, we can breakthrough the self-imposed prison in which we reside and free ourselves to claim that which has been earmarked for us. The power lies within...we must summon it, fashion it into a sword that can be wielded to cut through all that binds us...and become a power-FULL force that cannot be stopped.

Want Change? Start By Rewriting Your Inner Dialogue

Quite possibly the most important and powerful conversations we will ever have in life are those silent exchanges we have with ourselves. It is through these dialogues that we shape our understanding of who we are...of what we mean to the world...of what we are capable of. This constant chatter going on inside of us carves out the path we walk in life because it creates the fundamental foundation for how we see ourselves. Having said that, the scary part is that if we could order a transcript of this dialogue and sit down to analyze it, we would probably be surprised at how much of each page is filled with negative self-talk.

If we spread out the pages of this transcribed internal narrative and took a yellow highlighter to phrases like "Well that was a stupid thing to do", "Damn I'm an idiot", "God I'm fat", "What a loser I am", "You suck", "You're never going to be able to do that", "Dude, you're pathetic", "I can't win", "What the hell is wrong with you?" and so on (of course we could add a million more, right?), we might have so much yellow going on that it seems like the Sun himself just dropped in for a spot of tea. The question is, how in the world can we expect great things to be born from such negative programming? Because we know that our lives today are the result of what we have thought, and hence acted upon, in the past...it is imperative that we recognize the power of the things we say to ourselves, to become aware of the story we are telling, of what we allow to take residence in our hearts.

The best thing we can do for ourselves, aside from taking the time to review and digest these conversations we have been having, is to commit to rewriting that inner dialogue. In doing so, we must admit that we are harder on ourselves than we are on anyone else and replace this rigid perfectionist philosophy with grace, tolerance and supportive encouragement. We must shift the tone of our language out of the realm of disgust and negativity to one of acceptance, hope and love. By supervising the rewrite and deciding to become our own quality control agent who occasionally audits the messages being transmitted within, we refashion our perception of ourselves. And since our perception creates, or rather is our reality...by affecting the process at its source, which is thought, we change everything that follows.

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Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

Exorcising Our OWN Demons

No matter how "well-adjusted" we are as human beings, chances are that every one of us has at least one issue that seems to crop up from time to time, casting a dark veil over what might otherwise be an unpolluted experience. Some of our demons are so enumerable that we seem to never be alone. Many of them so old that we cannot recall memories of a time when they did not exist to us, many of them so powerful that we are tethered to them like a slave, many so frightening we cannot bear facing them, many of them so fragrant with shame we imagine death a better dance partner.

Our demons are what keep us from becoming the best versions of ourselves we can be. They are the things that haunt us in the night, waking us up to watch tragic movies in our heads. They are the whispers in our ears that spill lists of our failings. They are the shadows we glimpse in the wings as we stand on the stage of our lives. They are the sound bites from our childhood that render us blind to our own potential. They are the waxy build-up that finds its way between us and our loved ones, the thieves that steal our spirit from us, the messengers of regret. They are the tattoo artists who brand us with marks demonstrating how we have been tainted for all to see.

The bottom line is that these demons will not leave while we play good host to them. They will not turn down a happy home, where they are fed and visited often. If we have been waiting for someone else to come and execute an eviction notice on our behalf, we cannot wait any longer. They are probably not coming. We are going to have to exorcise these demons ourselves...claim our lives for ourselves...disband this dark committee. We may need help to do so, but we have to ask for it and be the head of the expedition. These things that haunt us will not disappear...but they can be transformed by our own embrace...and be no longer demons to us. If this message resonates with you at all, you are probably living a shadow of the life you were meant to live. The time is now to step up as the guardian of your own happiness and do the work to get back in the driver's seat.

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Sometimes You Have To BREAK-IT-DOWN For People

How often do you feel as if your mate doesn't really get what it is that you are trying to get across to them? How many times a month do you find yourself feeling misunderstood or misread at work? Ever feel like the directions or parameters you lay out don't get followed? Ever feel like you seem to be speaking another language than everyone else? Ever think to yourself, "WHY doesn't this person get it already? Really?" If you answered yes to any of these questions, it might stand to reason that what you are doing by way of communicating isn't working. You might need to "break it down" a bit further.

We make a lot of assumptions in life and one of the most tragic ones is that other people can read our minds. Another is that our version of common sense is the rule. We have to remember, folks, that every human being is unique and operates with their own interpretations of words, body language, inflection, experiences, frames of reference, etc. If we are frustrated by the fact that someone in our life isn't responding to us the way we'd like, we might be surprised to know that most of the time that person doesn't truly understand what the hell we want from them. Worse yet, they may think they know what we want and be totally off base, or confused as to our motives.

If we find that the staff we supervise follows our guidance perfectly except for one, we might consider exploring whether that lone employee is clear about our expectations (in language and terms they can relate to) before assuming they are lazy or untalented. If we have become "turned off" by certain behavior demonstrated by our mate, we cannot assume they realize that it is the root of our decreased interest in physical intimacy. If a friend keeps doing something we thought surely we had clarified that we were not cool with, we must "break it down" before assuming they are blatantly disregarding our feelings. Making ANY decision at all without clarifying further the reality of the situation is making a decision based on assumptions...and we all know how often this mistake comes around to bite us right in the a double-s. Break it down all the way, until the little light goes on.

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Why Not Expand The Valentine's Day Tradition?

When most of us think of Valentine's Day one of two avenues of thought occur--we typically recognize it or we don't, usually dependent upon whether or not we are currently in a romantic relationship. When we are in love, Valentine's Day is often a celebration of the union and an opportunity for each mate to express and demonstrate love for one another, one that is met with a heightened level of anticipation and emphasis. When we are unattached with no romantic rumblings in our environment, Valentine's Day often comes and goes without even a blip on our radar. Being single often leads us to believe that there is little to recognize or celebrate on this particular holiday, however, whether single or attached, we can expand our tradition to appreciate and admire the aspects of love that are outside of our own personal two-some, or lack thereof.

Although Valentine's Day is usually associated with "romantic" love, we can expand our recognition of this day to encompass the beauty of love in all of its forms. There are people in our lives that we feel very strongly for, parents, friends, children...key aspects of our existence...people who largely contribute to our state of mind and quality of life. Although our love for them is outside of the realm of romance it is no less intense or passionate, no less powerful or dynamic, as they are no less important to us. By opening our minds and hearts to identify these people and send a shot of adoration their way, we set a series of events in motion that inspires others to pay it forward, causing a chain reaction of mutual admiration and appreciation.

Another way to expand our tradition is to recognize and celebrate those romances we respect, value and admire, even if we do or don't have one of our own. Whether it is the tried and true marriage of our parents, the passionate, spontaneous love affair of a friend or the honorable union of people near and dear to us, by taking the time to convey our feelings we realize that each couple becomes inspired to keep feeding their love and are proud to be acknowledged. By expanding the Valentine tradition in these ways, we invest in the essence, spirit and growth of love which makes a huge impact on the world around us. Make it a HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, EVERYONE!!!!

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Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: An Exercise In Freedom From FEAR

This week's personal growth assignment is an exercise created to help us see how much of our reality is affected by our fear. Fear of failing, fear of success...fear of losing people, fear of the unknown, fear of death...I could go on and on. Let me be clear before we start the exercise that I am not speaking about rational fears, as these are designed to help keep us alive...I am speaking of the fears that come to imprison us.

So, the exercise is pretty simple. Get prepared to write your responses to these questions. What FEARS have you allowed to build to a degree that they are a large part of your decision process? Do you avoid taking chances or trying new things because you are afraid of looking like an idiot...do you avoid traveling outside of your comfort zone because you fear the unknown? Have you lost out on relationships because you were too afraid to invest, be vulnerable, expose yourself or commit? Have you been staring down a path of opportunity, yet find yourself paralyzed by fear? Write down all of the circumstances in your life in which fear holds you back.

Now, imagine you are sitting there looking at a snapshot of your life with all of these fears fully integrated. Now imagine you could pull back a layer of that photograph, like a filter, removing those fears. What would life look like without your irrational fears? What would you do differently...where would you go...who would you love...what paths would you follow? How much time would you gain in your daily routine...how much would your "happiness" percentage get bumped up...how would your energy level be affected?

Do you like that version better? The point is, of course, if you can see it...it just might be possible. Keep visiting that image in your mind...remove that filter and stay in that space for a while every day. We are not to be ruled by fear...we are meant to live, not survive.

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(Re)Discovering Your Path

For many of us, there is what we do and then, of course, what we dream of doing. While some may immediately relate to this statement and be able to personalize it with ease, most of us struggle to   articulate or populate the second half of it. In these cases, the gap between the two is so wide we can barely recognize our dream when our eyes and heart attempt to span the chasm and glimpse the detail of that which lies in suspended animation, like a museum artifact from a lost civilization. We have forgotten it belongs to us...that we fashioned it with our own hands...shaped it with our own mind and spirit...breathed life into it with our own voice...carried it in our womb of faith and gave birth to it, marking it forever with an invisible tattoo that somehow identifies us. The wind is no longer layered with the whispers and melodies that used to gently remind us of its existence when we were disoriented.

Despite the fact that we have not stoked this fire in years, when a dream is a part of our makeup its embers still glow brightly in the darkness. Even when we consciously do nothing to keep it alive...it still exists. Conversely, we can throw our whole being and resources into other things that are out of alignment with our spirit yet they still fail, bring us little happiness, disintegrate before our eyes or almost evaporate into thin air, despite the fact that we are tending to them as we would a newborn. We can all look at experiences in our lives and recognize those which seemed obviously "meant to be" as they unfolded effortlessly like a flower blossoming in the Spring and those which were "not meant to be"...the ones we couldn't quite make happen no matter what we tried. Like these are signs to show us the way on our journey, we must recognize that our dreams possibly speak to us of divine purpose...or hold the key to who we are.

I urge you today to see if you can recognize the dreams in your heart. If they seem to be lost in memory or too far gone to find, close your eyes and seek them with all you have. Listen intently  to the wind and try to decode the garbled noise to reveal guideposts. These dreams may be buried under fear, obscured by responsibility, or rickety from neglect...but I assure you they are not gone. When you find them you will know who you are...you will at once believe that your future is not meant to be orchestrated, manufactured or fabricated...that it is meant to be fulfilled. You will find that all that has been imprinted in your mind, body and spirit are tools you can summon to help you on your journey. You will believe, as you never have before, that there is a gift you are meant to offer...a song you are supposed to sing. The details lie in your dreams...

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The Golden Rule Of Digital Communication

Living in today's world and avoiding modern forms of communication is almost impossible. Everywhere we turn we see someone text messaging away on his blackberry, plugged in to a laptop, chatting away on a cell phone, or even instant messaging friends as opposed to using the telephone. In this age of "advanced communication" we become subject to many a miscommunication. As we are trying to become more efficient and get more things done we have become reliant upon the ease of technology to get a message across more quickly. The question is, however, are we really getting our message across?

When sending a message digitally we use our own frame of reference, language, context, understanding and background to fashion a statement. In our haste, we forget that the recipient often does not share the exact perspectives we do and sometimes not only reads, but reads into, what we are saying. For example, we have all be on the receiving end of a message that leaves us confused, troubled, offended, feeling slighted, or just plain angry...only to find out later that our perception of the intended tone or meaning was completely off base. Often times our reaction to other people's messages to us is more about how we are feeling at the time of receipt, or more correlated to a connotation certain words hold for us personally, than the true intent with which the message was crafted. On the other side, most of us have found ourselves defending, explaining or clarifying a message we have sent as it was received and interpreted way beyond the boundaries of our intended communication. Even more unfortunate is the many a scenario in which a message is mis-read and never clarified because the recipient is unwilling to ask for it, leaving a miscommunication to settle in and inadvertently shape a relationship based on false perceptions.

One easy solution to this problem is to never send digital messages but, alas, the world is evolving and we must evolve with it, no matter how grudgingly we embrace progress. The biggest contribution we can make to alleviate issues like this is two-fold. First, we must take care to be aware as we are crafting a message that we are sending it to someone who has his or her own set of vantage points and attempt to be as clear as possible. Secondly, when we receive a message that in any way rubs us the wrong way, we should give the person the benefit of the doubt and ask for clarification before assuming an injured or confrontational posture. Before shooting off a reply, we can take a moment to remember the last time someone misread or misjudged our intentions and what it felt like to be accused of something we didn't do or mean. The key here is that by giving the benefit of the doubt...we are also much more likely to receive the benefit of the doubt.

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ACCOUNTABILITY: No One Is Coming To Save You But YOU

Guess what folks...we have to stop counting on other people to be responsible for saving us from ourselves. It's not that they don't care...but they have their own minds, bodies, lives and emotional states to manage. We can't expect them to monitor our lives and give us reports detailing what we are doing to sabotage our health, finances, relationships or careers, too. It is time we became accountable for our own behavior and the consequences that come with it. No more relying on our friends, neighbors, family or mates to be the alarm system.

When we go to the doctor and get news that our habits have resulted in a diagnosis of poor health, for example, we are not entitled to say "Why didn't my friends tell me that I have been boozing it up too much, have gained too much weight, have run myself into the ground or should have been wearing sunscreen"? We have to be our OWN governor. When we hit the poorhouse, we can't muse to ourselves "Why did so and so keep inviting me out to dinner and shopping if they knew I was broke"? It is OUR responsibility to establish our OWN boundaries. When we get busted for stepping out on our mate, we can't get away with "Well, honey, Joe was cheating on his wife too and he is the one who introduced me to my mistress."

It all boils down to OWNERSHIP of our choices. If we believe that someone is going to intervene on our behalf every time we are about to do something wrong, we are sadly mistaken. It's OUR life and most people assume we know what we are doing and the risks that accompany our decisions. We need to realize that no other human being has been deputized as our savior, protector or monitor. We are not children anymore. Sure, people who love us will offer us feedback and support, but going through life willy nilly under the assumption that some kind of red alert is going to sound when we get too close to the edge is a recipe for disaster. In short, WE have to govern OURSELVES.

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STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: It's OK To Say NO...Or Even HELL No

One of the biggest issues I come across with almost every client I work with is what I call the "there's not enough time in the day" syndrome. Invariably, no matter how successful the person is, this syndrome rears its ugly head early on in the coaching process. Follow along and you will see what I mean. First we work together to clarify their vision of what they want their life to look like. Then, we progress to developing a strategy for how to get there. The strategy, of course, is a tactical outline of things to do in order to reshape their reality to match the vision they aspire to. Here's where we hit the snag.

The onslaught of symptoms comes on...like "I don't have time to work out" or "There's no way I can fit a date-night with my wife into my hectic schedule" or "Getting a second part-time job would be impossible to juggle" or the WORST, "I can't take the time to relax or do anything for myself...I have too many responsibilities". YIKES!!!! Sound familiar? Well, no worries...I HAVE THE ANSWER! (cue epic musical build up) SAY NO! "Huh?", you might say? Let me explain. Reality demonstrates that most of us are committing to things we don't really want to do or that don't contribute to the vision we want for our life. We have a REAL problem saying NO!

Listen folks, we are responsible for our own happiness and must take more control over how we allocate our time and resources. I am a firm believer that if you want something badly enough, you will make it happen. Having said that, it's time to take your life back. The next time someone asks you to go somewhere, do something, take on a project, serve on a board, participate in anything whatsoever...STOP! Before you commit, ask yourself two questions. 1) Do I really WANT to do this?  2) Would doing this contribute to or be counterproductive to the vision I set for myself? You get the picture, right? You have the right to say NO and, guess what, you don't have to feel guilty about it or justify yourself at every turn. You don't have a jack-ass about it, but if you are a card-carrying people pleaser, it is time to retire.  If you would rather stay home and read a book and work on a personal project as opposed to head out for football and booze with the guys or help your girlfriend pick out new curtains for her bathroom, then do it! Just because people ask, doesn't mean you have to say yes. There is actually a "NO-button" on that control panel somewhere. If it is stuck and inoperable, spray some WD-40 on it and start using that sucker. You will thank me later, I assure you.

Don't Be Afraid To Pull Away From The Pack

In life we often attract and are attracted to people that are similar to us in some way, have common interests or share the same objectives. Even as youths, we fall into cliques and assemble a circle of friends we feel comfortable with and often spend a lot of time interacting in this sphere of people. As adults we may have a collection of friends, co-workers, a church, support group or family members that we have either grown up with, shared a long standing relationship with or formed a bond with. In most of these scenarios, the group has an understood, and often unspoken, way of thinking and way of doing things. We find comfort, refuge and acceptance in the group as it allows us to incubate within the protection of its members.

However, as our life continues to take shape and we begin to understand more about who we are, what we want and where we are going, the inevitable occurs. We realize that our path is not exactly the same as the one our college buddies are on, or that our peers are following, or that our family has envisioned for us. Maybe we come to realize that the church we may have attended since childhood, or even the religion itself, no longer sates the thirst we feel. Maybe the beliefs that have been passed down to us, and that we are currently operating under, begin to yield to ones that come from inside our own spirit and are truer to own selves. Like many species in nature who do not exhibit identifiably unique markings until a certain stage of maturity, we all reach a place in our growth and personal evolution in which our voice is on a different key than that of the choir.

Often, to test our own theories and follow our own path, it is necessary to pull away from the pack. While occasionally, our paths take us away from the pack altogether, never to return, most of the time we need only speed up for a while to test our legs, or slow for a bit to explore a side path, or agree to meet at some milestone in the future...reacquainting ourselves with those who made it to the same place. When your voice stands out in the crowd...do not be afraid to let it be heard...it is the universe's way of nominating you for a solo.

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The Cost of Lying To Ourselves and Others

It is likely that by the end of today many of us will have inserted at least one white lie into a dialogue...even if it is simply as a response of "great!" to an acquaintance as they nonchalantly ask how we are faring. Most lies we tell are submitted as a way to circumvent the conversation we would have to entertain should we tell the truth. If a lover asks if we are upset with them...we may say no, despite the contrary, because we are tired of arguing or feel as if saying yes would make little difference in the whole scheme of things. If a friend inquires as to whether or not we are bothered by something he or she has done, we may say no to avoid conflict, especially since the deed has already been committed. In other cases, we avoid the truth, sometimes at all costs, out of fear of being rejected or losing something for taking a stand. Often we want a relationship, job, or other opportunity to work out so desperately that we withhold truths that emerge within us, thinking they may jeopardize our position. Sometimes we hold back because we are not ready for the change or transition that would occur as a result of us being totally honest.

The pitfall, however, is that building a new structure, or adding on to an existing one, without a sound foundation is a recipe for disaster. If we fail to communicate our true feelings we are, in a way, being dishonest by omission to not only those close to us, but to ourselves. When we allow a relationship or situation to progress and take shape based on a series of inaccurate suppositions, we are being unfair to others by securing their loyalty to only a shadow of who we really are. We owe it to others to only involve them in ways in which we can offer full disclosure of what they are getting into. IF we cannot be our true selves...anyone who chooses to connect themselves in any way to us, is being mislead. For example, a woman who knows the man she is about to marry spent the first ten years of his adult life in a same sex relationship and that he still struggles with his sexual identity, is a woman who is making an educated decision about her own future and has assessed her ability to deal with whatever may come. Many people do not offer their partners, employers or friends the opportunity to decide for themselves what they are prepared to deal with because we do not reveal ourselves in full.

Before we can be honest with others, though, we must learn to be honest with ourselves. We must  come to terms with who we are at the core when we look in the mirror. If we want REAL, GENUINE, AUTHENTIC lives...then we must be real, genuine and authentic. If we want a life that is custom designed for us...then we must allow a blueprint to be fashioned around who we really are.

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STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: WHY Are You Settling?

Ok...I am pretty sure I am going to piss some people off today so if you are teetering on the verge of failing your Anger Management Course, stop reading now. Alright, here we go. Listen Folks, unless you believe in reincarnation, we only have ONE CHANCE at this here thing called "life on Earth". ONE SHOT. That's it. Then it's over. Done. Finished. Kaput. You, my friend, will be worm food. You can decide for yourself where you think your spirit or soul goes after that, but we can all agree that the bag of flesh you are toting around will either be burned up or six feet under. Secondly, you have NO IDEA when you are going. Even if your trusty neighborhood psychic told you that you'd live to be 63 or your doctor told you that you have 2 weeks left, you don't really know.

Now that I have made my point, my question is this: WHY the hell are you settling for less than you deserve, want and need? If you don't like the way someone treats you...why are you taking it? What in the world did you have to do to convince yourself that you are not worth more? If you have dreams, why are you just sitting there doing the same crap every day? Why aren't you pursuing them? Stop being afraid...just try. If you are in a failed relationship and haven't tasted love in years, maybe even decades, why would you be there? Yes, it's complicated, but don't you want love? Don't you deserve it? Isn't that what life is about? Have you really rationalized yourself into staying in that prison, starving yourself? If you have been at the same dead-end job that you hate...you know, the one where no one appreciates your work, why are you still there? Don't give me some BS about the economy. Your job sucked before the economy tanked and you were still there playing Spider Solitaire on your computer wasting your magic.

What is wrong with all of us? Why don't we expect the best from ourselves and FOR ourselves? Why do we settle for slivers of what we could have...of what we could be? Is it because we are lazy, afraid, weak? Are we so uncomfortable with change that we are rooted in our stories? Do we believe we are unworthy or would prefer to be a martyr? Why? Feel free to chime in any time here. I will leave you with one of my favorite quotes by W. Somerset Maugham: It is a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it.

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The Clues To Our Growth Lie In What We Don't Want To See, Hear, or Feel

In most cases, we as humans tend to lean toward relationships and experiences that make us "feel better" about or most "at home" with ourselves. We are who we are, after all, and we fashion our environment and our speed dial to make being that person as comfortable as it can be. In some ways, this process is healthy if it is supporting the aspects of our lifestyle that are positive, progressive and beneficial. At other times, however, investigation might reveal that the relationships or experiences we gravitate toward make us "feel better" because they help us rationalize aspects of our life or behavior we are not comfortable with or that are detrimental to our well-being. Additionally, the same inquiry might find that the ones we avoid are those which mirror our reflection in a way we are not ready to accept. In these cases, we manipulate our environment to protect us from facing reality.

When we are going through a tough time or are in decision mode, for example, we often find ourselves reaching out for feedback and advice from specific confidants and avoiding conversations altogether with certain others. While it is natural to have preferences, we must consider whether or not the reasoning behind who gets put in which category is related to whether or not we feel as though they will support, validate and confirm our perspective and way of thinking. It isn't rare for us to have a close relationship with a friend, but avoid sharing something with them because we know they will not tell us what we want to hear. When we edit out all of the input that might make us see, hear or feel something uncomfortable...we are tricking no one but ourselves. The truth is...we know what we are avoiding, or at least the gist of it, which is why we avoid it.

When we scrutinize our personal agenda we may come to understand why we choose certain people to be in our lives...why we frequent certain places...why we do certain things. Instead of actually choosing people for who they are, we might be embarrassed to realize some have more cameo appearances than others because they ease our guilt about our weight or bad habits or lack of direction or whatever issue might be plaguing us.The bottom line, however, is that growth comes with growing pains. If we intend to evolve as a person we must stop insulating ourselves from the very stimuli that will inspire us to change. We must venture out of our safe havens and expand our horizons to include that which we may not want to see, hear or feel...as those are the keys to the lessons on our journey.

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Erin Williams, Houston Life Coach

The POWER Of Setting Things In Motion

As someone who makes a living as personal coach and business strategist, I spend hours a day working with clients to clarify the vision they want to realize and develop strategies to support that vision. Anyone who knows me personally or who has seen my desk knows I am a card-carrying TO DO LIST junkie who truly understands the value of creating objectives, setting goals and identifying what "needs to be done". Yet, as I was looking at some items on my "LIST" that seem to be hanging around a bit too long, I was reminded where many of us stall; the "getting off the mark" stage.

There is an indescribable amount of power in going on the record and outlining what we want to happen...writing it down...speaking it aloud to ourselves and others...creating vision boards and reminders and mantras. However, the power of intention doesn't carry enough weight on its own to manifest a vision. We can say we want to lose 10 pounds, develop a diet and exercise plan to support that,  and tell everyone we know we are about to get fit and trim. We can say we want to get a new job, dust off and update our resume and look in the closet to see what kind of interview outfit still might fit us. Yet, the plan is still just a PLAN until we GO TO THE GYM...until we SEND OUT THE RESUME.

Why do we linger at the threshold of the place we said we wanted to go? Well, because having the "idea" of something is comforting...we get to hold on to it like a security blanket. As long as it is a dream no one can take it away from us. We cannot fail in the idea phase...not to mention the obvious fact that the actual "work" doesn't start until we start taking steps. Whether we prolong this process because we are lazy, scared of success or failure, or have convinced ourselves the "timing isn't right", we must remember that the power of intention is like an egg waiting to be fertilized. To see life stir and our dreams spring into action, we MUST set things in motion by transforming our "things to do" into "THINGS WE ARE DOING".

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"I'll Have What SHE'S Having!"

Anyone who has seen the iconic 1989 rom-com When Harry Met Sally surely remembers the classic scene in Katz's deli where Sally, in an attempt to prove her argument to Harry that men cannot tell the difference between a woman faking or actually experiencing orgasm, decides to fake one while fully-clothed in their booth with other diners as the captive audience. At the conclusion of her demonstration, a nearby patron says to the waitress taking her order, "I'll have what she's having".

While this experience will probably never happen to us, for fun, let's explore how this famous movie line might help us expand our horizons. So, in the diner scene, the patron was eager to be served whatever induced that type of response from Sally. Now let's shift to our lives. How many times have you encountered someone who seems to have an energy, spirit, essence, characteristic or vibe you find yourself wishing you could "place an order for"? Have you a friend whose ability to take things in stride you admire? Have you a co-worker whose organizational skills and attention to detail is amazing? Have you found yourself longing for the disposition and peaceful energy of someone you know? Do you envy the discipline and focus of your mate? Chances are, you find yourself many times daily subconsciously thinking to yourself "I'll have what she's having".

But wait...why aren't we asking these people "what they're having"? We are ALL a part of the human fabric and are here to learn from one another. Instead of simply wishing we knew how someone is able to achieve something we have not, why not ask? Are we too embarrassed to admit we don't know everything? Shame on us. Are we uncomfortable giving other people credit? Shame on us. We are all working in the lab experimenting with this thing called life. There is no reason we can't share information. Try saying, " Hey...I just have to say I admire your attitude. You always seem so positive...how do you do it?" Not only might you be surprised by their willingness to share their "secret to success" but may be even more surprised that they counter with their own inquiry about one of your traits. Listen...why do it the hard way...there are people placed all around you with gifts to share with you, ways to help you along on your journey...don't be afraid to ask.

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"Woo-Hoo, I MADE It!"...Wait, Why Am I Not Happy?

If this internal musing resonates with you, then you are probably like the rest of the human beings here on this marble we call Earth. For each of us, it is probably safe to say that there has been at least one point in our lives when we arrived at a place we had once envisioned, only to realize that it didn't come with the feelings of satisfaction we had associated with reaching that destination. Many of us have spent days, hours, months or years striving to achieve or discover some far off objective and with it, all of the rewards we perceived to be connected with said milestone. How disappointing it can be, consequently, to find ourselves crossing the finish line and be met with the gut feeling that we have further yet to go to find fulfillment.

It is no surprise that we experience this wave of anticlimax, if we really think about it. Life can be pretty challenging at times and, in order to pull ourselves up by our bootstraps and stay the course, we often have to set our "eyes on the prize" in order to stay motivated and inspired to do the work. When the alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m. and we desperately want to blow off our workout, for example, we focus on the image of ourselves as a more slim and trim version in order to drag ourselves out of bed. When we are cramming until midnight instead of hanging out with our friends, we envision ourselves with our degree and in a better career. When we are single, we stave off disappointment by dreaming of what life will be like we we are in love...when we are suffering adversity, we fantasize about calmer conditions to quiet our fears...when we dislike our environment, we take mental journeys to more pleasant surroundings.

Where we make our mistake all too often, however, is putting too much of our stock in that image in our mind's eye, in that moment of arrival. By doing so, we consciously or subconsciously begin to identify all we do as some type of sacrifice or investment toward reaching that moment, and the longer the list of sacrifices or investments we make, the more difficult it is to consider whether the original dream we cast is still right for us. In other words, the very thing we are working toward may have long ago become an outmoded piece of our happiness formula, yet we have a hard time reworking our vision when we have accumulated so much toward that particular path. We can't bring ourselves to not see the investment as "wasted time". We may work our tails off for years to get a certain promotion, only to find that we don't want it when it comes, but do we take it anyway because we have worked so hard to get it? Everything in this world changes, as do our wants and needs. If we can have the courage to be honest with ourselves about what we truly desire, and give ourselves permission to amend our course accordingly, we can find a life that is genuinely fulfilling.

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STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: Grow UP And TALK ABOUT IT!

Some of us harbor enough resentment, anger and ill-feelings we literally ruin our own day. Why do we do this to ourselves? Don't we realize the only healthy way to deal with concerns, frustrations or suspicions is to get them out in the open and address them? ESPECIALLY when half of the stuff we are bothered or confused by is inaccurate, a product of miscommunication or is simply our own projection. How many relationships have been poisoned by unspoken jealously? How many friendships have fallen apart because someone got his or her feelings hurt and never talked about it? How many families have been torn apart because someone didn't get what they perceived to be their fair shake?

Come on, folks. We are adults here! What is the deal? If you are pissed off at your husband because he keeps coming home later than he says he will be home then TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT! Whether you choose to avoid direct and mature resolution by sulking around the house like a victim or by activating the "Bitch-Chip", eventually the only way you will get to the bottom of the situation and find common ground is by talking about your feelings and listening to his. If one of your friends that you are accustomed to talking to every day just falls off the face of the earth, don't sit around with your arms crossed pouting and muttering, "Well...if she wants to talk to me, she will call me." That's silly. If her behavior changes that radically it is likely that a shift has occurred in her life. Don't punish people for feelings YOU have...especially if they have no idea you are having them because you won't tell anyone!!!!

The point is, communication is vital in any relationship. How many times have you spent days worrying, obsessing or stewing over something only to realize later that, upon clarification, you were TOTALLY off base. More importantly, even when your feelings are right on target, holding on to them and suffering in silence accomplishes nothing. You are only making yourself miserable. Why do we have to play this elaborate drawn out game of charades and make people guess what the hell we are trying to say? And then, if they cannot figure it out on their own that we are miffed, we become even more so! Do yourself a favor, please. If you are sad, say it. If you are mad, say it. If you are hurt, say it. When we hold onto our feelings inside and allow them to fester, we waste so much valuable energy maintaining and supporting them...not to mention the fact that, if harbored long enough, they mutate into something that has nothing to do with the original. If we can give up the passive-aggressive game and choose to be open with our feelings and communicate honestly, I can promise you that our burdens will become drastically lighter.

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Not Making Any Progress? Try Baby Steps

One of the most difficult aspects of getting started on a new initiative or of reaching a lofty goal is overcoming the feeling we experience as we glimpse the miles of terrain between where we are and we we want to be. At times, the distance seems so overwhelming that we become frozen at the starting line, believing the possibility of reaching our destination is virtually impossible. Even if we are fully equipped and ready to go, we often feel as though even a remarkable amount of effort will prove to be insignificant in relation to the scope of our endeavors. This dynamic quite often is one of the main reasons we postpone what we can do today until tomorrow, or even worse, decide never to embark upon the path that leads to fulfillment. Learning how to break large projects or major initiatives into smaller, more manageable components, or taking "baby steps", is an effective way to encourage ourselves to move forward.

One of the most successful habits or tactics employed by those who seem to accomplish great things is the ability to focus only on the "next step" as opposed to the end result. By setting our sights on a goal that can be met in a reasonable amount of time with a reasonable amount of investment, we condition ourselves to become accustomed to success. As we reach each checkpoint on our journey, we build the confidence to continue, the endurance to go on and the knowledge to add to our strategic blueprint. As we stand side by side, on parallel paths, with those who may be hoping to accomplish the exact same goals, we can smile at our steady progress while they may sigh in exhaust at the long journey ahead...the only difference being we have a hotel room reserved in the next town while they imagine they will never stop until they reach the end point.

Just as "Rome was not built in a day", we shall not create sweeping change in our lives overnight. Creating or casting dreams onto the canvas of our lives is integral to our growth, but manifesting those dreams and bringing them to fruition requires less of the creative and more of the logical side of our brain. If we can identify the dream...then work backwards in a flow-chart like fashion...depicting all of the steps that would have to occur before the dream becomes a reality, we then have a map of small, baby steps to follow. With each concluded step, we are afforded the opportunity to celebrate our progress and recharge our system to embark upon the next leg of the journey.

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SELF-DISCIPLINE: Where The HELL Are You?

Unless you are one of the few people in this world who are uniquely hard-wired with the ability to create an objective and never once deviate from the path, then you are like the rest of us, living a life punctuated by the struggle to self-manage or meet our own expectations. It's no wonder how we got this way, really. We are raised by parents who offer guidelines and rules to live by that have consequences, then thrust into a society structured to "keep us in line" via laws and unwritten rules, supervised at work by some entity, bound to the parameters of marriage and religion, and so on. In most areas of our lives, someone is watching us to make sure we are "doing the right thing". It is quite possible, however, that this has crippled us.

What happens, for example, when we want something to happen in our lives and there is no one else managing the project? What happens when we are inclined to do something bad and no one is there to catch us? What happens when we are left to our own devices, and no one is keeping track of our progress or issuing an annual review? What happens when we set a goal, and failure affects no one but us? The truth is, these are the occasions when we most often drop the ball. One might say that this indicates that we need structure and accountability points outside of ourselves, that it is proof that humans are designed to work in groups. However, could it also be demonstrating that we have been conditioned to believe there is a governor for everything and hence, have allowed ourselves to be left with a diluted ability to be self-disciplined?

Okay...so maybe no one is going to come around and say "LAST CALL" or cut us off when we are getting boozed up at home. Maybe no one is going to slap our wrist when we reach for the double-dipped chocolate deep fried dream that is going to ruin our diet, or give us the thumbs down when we are in line at Macy's about to buy 3 pair of shoes we don't need, or shut down the lap dance we're getting while our wife and kids are at gymnastics class, but WE can. Maybe no one is going to be there as we weigh in on Monday morning, or with us at midnight to tell us to turn in because we need proper sleep, but WE will. Taking responsibility for ourselves and our behavior can be one of the most empowering transitions we can ever experience. May we all be encouraged to push harder and try to develop the strength and will to honor ourselves.

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WEEKLY DIRECTIVE: Learning Not To Be So HARD ON YOURSELF

One of the most difficult skills to develop is the art of not beating ourselves up every time we fall short of our own, or someone else's expectations. It is natural to be disappointed when we fall off the wagon, fail to meet an objective or miss the shot at the final buzzer. Making mistakes or not executing the way we had hoped does call for some tweaking of our formula, sure...but we don't have to beat ourselves to a pulp over it.

We are not going to win every day. We are going to make splendid errors along our way, experience lapses in judgment, and pull off some doozies...but guess what, we are human. This isn't to say that we should give ourselves a free pass to do whatever we'd like without consequence...it IS to say that we need to cut ourselves some slack every once in a while.

Running ourselves through the ringer and torturing ourselves over our missteps is just plain unproductive on most occasions. Sure, you might have forgotten your wife's birthday and feel like the lamest husband in the universe, but falling into the black whole of despair for weeks isn't necessary. You'd be better off to take the hit, embrace your own humanity and get it together. Pulling a bender at the company Christmas party and embarrassing yourself to death may not have been your shining moment, but it isn't the end of the world. Laugh to yourself and make sure you don't do it again.

The point is, we are not perfect. We can have a code of ethics and values to live by but we must not condemn ourselves forever when we falter. Take a look at how you handle your own shortcomings this week. Evaluate your inner narrative and see if you are going a little too far with the negative self-talk. Chances are, you could stand to not be so hard on yourself.

"I'm GONNA..." (REALLY? Yeah, When?)

We could all fill in the rest of this phrase with myriad objectives, goals, dreams, things to do, ideas or promises. "I'm gonna own my own business one day", "I'm gonna quit smoking", "I'm gonna get a better job", "I'm gonna lose 20 pounds", "I'm gonna start up that hobby I have always wanted to try"...blah, blah, blah. Having something to shoot for is key in making things happen, sure. The question is, how often do we actually FOLLOW THROUGH and do what we say we are GONNA do?

Sure...life gets complicated and busy and overwhelming at times. We become bogged down with the minutia of our every day obligations and activities. We have responsibilities to that which we have already committed and often find ourselves going through the motions of the life we have already created. However, when does it become time for us to stop using that as an excuse to NOT create the life we WANT? When do we transform the "I'm GONNA" to the "I AM"?

At some point, we have to start being real with ourselves. Continuing to issue statements that we never follow up on dilutes our word to those around us and begins to emit the fragrance that we cannot be taken seriously and are full of nothing but hot air. More importantly, however, our constant pie-in-the-sky talking with no walking slowly erodes our own sense of self-worth and personal power. Eventually, we don't even believe OURSELVES when we say we are going to do something. We use our words as a band-aid to buy time and avoid discomfort. What we must realize is that most of our "I'm gonna" statements are directives from within designed to help us become better people. They are the things we know we need to do in order to become better versions of ourselves. Ignoring them, or treating them with little regard or importance, is like spitting in our own faces. The time is NOW to stop fooling ourselves. How about a little less bark and a little more bite?

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What Happens When We Change Our Minds About What We Want?

One of the toughest issues many of us experience in life is that moment when we realize that a relationship, path, career or some decision we have made is no longer what we want for ourselves.  Whether we wake up one day and realize that we don't want to be married to our mate, or that the career we have spent years cultivating is not what we want to spend the rest of our lives pursuing, or that the major we are about to get a degree in is about the last thing that is right for us, or that the city we just moved to is not our cup of tea, many of us have been there and the resulting realization can shake us to our core. There we stand at the fork in the road that has just emerged in front of us and are often times paralyzed.

"What was I thinking taking this job in New York City? I hate it here! Now what am I going to do?"..."I don't love this woman and I am not sure I ever have. I don't want to be with her, but what will my parents say, HER parents say? What will society think if I leave? Will I be condemned?"..."I just spent three years on a full academic scholarship to study Engineering, and I don't want to be an engineer. But, I can't call my parents and tell them I have changed my mind; they are so PROUD of me"...."I just spent two months telling everyone I know that I am getting married and moving to Paris, but now I am not sure it is the right thing for me. But, I have to do it now right? I mean, I have a MOVING TO PARIS Fanpage on Facebook and a blog set up to follow my pre-wedding bliss! I will look like a FOOL!".

The saddest part of this quandary is that many of us do not allow ourselves the permission to accept that we are human, and that being human means that we are constantly evolving. This is not a discussion about nor the endorsement of divorce, willy-nilly decisions or lack of accountability...this is a dialogue about the reality that every day we are learning more and more about ourselves. We are having A-HA moments, we are being struck by truths that resonate with us and change our ways of thinking, we are unfolding daily into the people we truly are. It makes sense that with that process comes change. However, we are crippled by our fear of how the world around us will respond to us deciding to be something new, different. We worry about what everyone will think, about what they will say, about the judgment that will come if we shift course. What we must realize is that we are not doing the world any favors by ignoring our truths and living a life that is in contradiction to who we are. If, for example, I had chosen to worry about what people would think about me leaving my businesses (and yes, many thought I was crazy) to venture into coaching and writing, you wouldn't be reading this blog right now. When we become more than just temporarily disenchanted with an aspect of your life, when we know that we are "in the wrong place", it is our duty to ourselves and to those around us to be authentic and be courageous enough to "change our minds".

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The Power of Starting With A Clean Slate

The reason that this time of year is famous for being one of making resolutions is obvious...a new year represents a new beginning, a starting over. We go through the holiday season not taking life too seriously, followed by an end of year celebration which then yields to what we perceive to be a "fresh start". This serves as a symbolic clean slate and allows us the chance to look at the last year as an end to one chapter and the new year as the beginning of another one.

The illusion or idea of having a "clean slate" can be quite powerful. We know this, of course, which is why we also enjoy them in the form of mornings, anniversaries, birthdays, Sundays or Mondays, confessions, "pushing the reset button", abstinence and so on. We like the concept of ending one phase, encapsulating it to be separated into its own segment, and embarking upon a new leg of the same journey. This is especially important when we feel the need to release ourselves from a pattern and give ourselves an opportunity to CREATE a new one, as opposed to ALTERING an existing one.

What we must remember, however, is that we do not have to wait for a new year, day, month or season to press our restart button. We don't have to move to a different locale or change jobs to create a new beginning. We don't have to find a new mate or lose 50 pounds to act as a catalyst for a new way of thinking or living. Our life is like an Etch-a-Sketch...and we are the artist. We can give ourselves a clean slate whenever we want to...just give it a little shake and start over.

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NEW YEAR---> NEW YOU! FREE Coaching Session Offer!

As we close out the holidays and draw nearer to the end of this year, soon we will face the first day of the next year of our lives. Many of us will be found reviewing or writing New Year's Resolutions or in deep contemplation and consideration of the future and what we would like that personal reality to look like. Many of us seem to be recycling the same initiatives that we have been unable to accomplish or are struggling to create realistic and reasonable goals for ourselves. Both the "talk" and the "walk" can be difficult when we feel alone and have little to no objective feedback or guidance on the journey. Because of this, I have decided to extend a special offer for the holidays---A NEW YEAR, NEW YOU Personal Coaching Session for FREE. What a wonderful gift for someone...the promise of personal growth, or better yet, what a fantastic way to start your OWN year off with the support you need to realize your own potential.

Are you interested in clarifying your vision for your future? Having trouble identifying your path or purpose in life? Struggling with ways to overcome obstacles? Wanting to create resolutions that can change your life AND that you can accomplish? Needing guidance or advice in a particular arena? Wanting an objective sounding board or feedback? Desiring a breakthrough or awakening? Want to find the love of your life? Want to find out what is holding you back? Attempting to create a new life's blueprint? Needing to adjust strategies and tactics? Wanting to find a responsible way to evolve and move on from the status quo? Needing to be re-inspired or re-motivated? Whether you just want to run your New Year's Resolutions by someone, want to discuss a particular issue that can free up energy, or commence the journey toward true personal growth...today is an opportunity for you to see what working with a coach might be like.

DETAILS:

• This offer is good to new clients only, anywhere in the world. Sessions will be conducted either by phone, SKYPE or in person.
• The offer includes a pre-session self-evalution questionnaire and 1-hour coaching session for FREE! 
• All sessions purchased must be scheduled and conducted no later than January 31, 2013.
• To take advantage of this opportunity, send an email directly to me, Erin Williams (erin@erinwilliamscoaching.com), referencing the NEW YEAR, NEW YOU Coaching Session offer. 
• For client testimonials, click here
• For information about Erin Williams, click here
• For information about coaching, click here
• There is no obligation whatsoever for additional coaching.

Whether you can personally benefit from this or not, I am quite sure you know someone who can. Please forward or share this offer with any and every person I might be able to help.

HAPPY NEW YEAR! 

Erin Williams

STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: Not Feeling Good? What Are You "Grazing On"?

Most of us get the whole "you are what you eat concept". We understand, for the most part, that what we put in our bodies does indeed affect myriad aspects of our health. It doesn't take a degree in nutrition to guess that our bodies will respond differently to a salad than it will a deep-fried chili cheese dog. This seems like common sense, right? WHY IS IT then that many of us fail to realize that this concept holds true for what we graze on mentally, emotionally, and spiritually?

Sure there are some of us who feel sluggish, run down, uninspired, depressed, stressed, anxious, disenchanted or completely unproductive because we eat like crap, or don't exercise, or booze it up, or smoke a pack a day of cigs, or are on "meds" that steal our mojo. HOWEVER, there are just as many of us (possibly more) who experience these same feelings, despite the fact that we live a "healthy lifestyle"...or DO WE? What is a "healthy lifestyle" anyway? We can take vitamins and supplements all day long, but are they going to counteract the negativity we absorb from some Debbie Downer friend we see every day? We can eat right and build a lifestyle designed to give us energy and vitality, but will that overpower the bad energy we feel at the office? We can pop anti-depressants all we want to, but following that up with a cocktail of horrific news stories, a damning internal narrative, and an abusive spouse just about evens things out, doesn't it?

The point is, what we "consume" is directly correlated to how we FEEL. So, if we find that we are feeling like shit more than a day or so in a row, doesn't it make sense to look further than the refrigerator or the medicine cabinet to help figure out why? Heck, we might just find that the reality show we watch is one of the factors that makes us hate our own body. We might realize that our best friend is an energy vampire, that our boss is emotionally abusive, or that our connection to the God of our choice has been contaminated. We may find that we don't need to take a vitamin for sharpness of thought, but that we simply need to create opportunities to converse with people about more than just minutia. Take a hard look at what you do, watch, see, hear and participate in daily. Are the activities, people, experiences and environments "healthy" for you? If not, this is what you are feeding yourself. If you don't like the way you feel, change the menu.

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Breaking Out Of Patterns And Trying Something NEW

As we grow older we become creatures of habit. By the time we reach our twilight years we are so attached to our routines, schedules, favorite things, or "ways of living" that we become as predictable as the sunrise. Some of us, even when we are young, find that we are rarely enticed to venture out of our comfort zone. The mere thought of trying something new leaves some of us shuddering. Although there is a lot to be said for the phrase, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it", the truth is many of us are not 100% content or happy with where we are in certain areas of our lives...and while they may not need to be "fixed"...we may need to try something new.

One of my favorite phrases that I love to use with my coaching clients is, "To get somewhere you have never been, you have to do something you have never done." The simplicity of this language makes total sense. If, for example, we have been on the same diet for 3 months and have not experienced any success, don't we realize that we need to amend it? If we have been single our whole lives and have not been able to find or accept a suitable partner, it stands to reason that our current strategy or formula isn't yielding the desired results and should be tweaked. If we want more fun, excitement or passion in our lives, yet we follow the same path every day...putting off adventuresome excursions, we will only find what we have already seen and what we seek will be left for someone else to discover.

To help us try new things we might not have considered before we can attempt the following exercise. When a new possibility is introduced to us RESIST making an immediate judgment. Instead of triggering our automatic responses...allow it to roll around for a bit, consider whether or not we may have conditioned ourselves to discard certain prospects causing us to overlook opportunities to expand our horizons. Often when we contemplate the reasons we have for not exploring alternative avenues, we find that those reasons have changed or were not legitimate reasons at all. The only way to know what lies beyond what we can see...is to explore.

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You ASK, But Do You REALLY Want The Answer?

We all do it...question the universe or our station in life, sending random inquiries into space or injecting them into conversation. Stuff like, "Why am I not getting the kind of chicks I want?", "Why does everyone always treat me this way?", "Why can't I make my business grow?", "Why can I never seem to get out of debt?", etc. Everyone has different questions based on where they are in life. What we must realize is that the answers are out there, they just won't come to us until we are READY to hear and accept them.

If you feel like you are like a hamster on a wheel going round and round in circles, recycling what seems to be the same scenarios, take a moment to consider whether you are being forced to learn the same lesson over and over because you are RESISTING the truth in it. For example, Susie Q may seem to not know why she is unable to attract the caliber of romantic options she wants but, in truth, she probably does have an idea...just isn't willing to accept the answer as it probably requires either work or painful self-examination. After all, it is easier to say that there just aren't enough good men in the world than to admit that she needs to lose 50 lbs, or give up deal-breaker habits or be more flexible in her beliefs. That would require an admission that there ARE good prospects to go around, but that they just aren't interested in or attracted to her. So the cycle continues; she can't get the guys she wants, attracts only people she deems to be "not on her level", and becomes bitter and disappointed.

If we can be strong and courageous enough to ask the question AND ACTUALLY be prepared for an answer, we might break the cycle and make some progress. Sure...your company may be suffering because of the economy, but could there be other reasons you are turning a deaf ear to? Sure...you may have hit some hard times financially, but could your consistent state of debt have some roots in your behavior? If you are unhappy with something, there are two things to choose from: Change your reality or change your expectations. Either don't expect to attract mates that are "out of your league" or do the work to get "in the league". Either don't expect to be financially stable or change the behavior that keeps that cycle going. The bottom line is, when you are ready to "graduate"...try listening for truth.

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Cohabitation Frustration Syndrome

Unless you are reading this blog from an island in the Caribbean that you purchased on which to live alone...having supplies dropped from airplanes in the middle of the night so you don't have to see other humans, chances are you interact with people almost every waking hour, every day. Unfortunately, for the most part, we don't get to pick who those people are. All day long we are stuck in lines, offices, traffic, houses, cars, buses, airports, movie theatres, bathrooms, meetings, elevators, restaurants and waiting rooms with a diverse cast of characters, almost all of which have different habits, beliefs, behavior and ideals than we do. Heck, aside from our mate and our friends (whom I assume are chosen, not arranged), we are virtually forced into learning to coexist with people we wouldn't choose to be with. That said, we probably wouldn't mind trading in our spouse or BFF for a loaner every once in a while, too.

The truth is, cohabitation or coexistence is a challenge most of the time. What we must do, however, is recognize the symptoms that might indicate we are reaching our tolerance threshold and spend a little alone time in order to keep us from losing our cool and saying or doing things we might regret. For example, had the image of my Buddhist friend in a peaceful meditation position not magically appeared on the hood of my car this morning, tomorrow's news reports might have included:    Houston Life Coach attacks female driver with mascara wand and eyelash curler. When police arrived on the scene, they found the victim tied behind the wheel of her car while the obviously deranged motivational blogger was maniacally applying lipstick, foundation and eyeliner all over the frightened driver. When authorities questioned the assailant, she stated "Well, it seemed like this woman doing her makeup was a hell of a lot more important than any of the rest of us getting anywhere any time soon, so, I figured I'd stop and help her out". This particular fantasy, for instance, might be one of those symptoms.

Yes...it's hard sometimes to resist letting people know how much they are getting on our nerves. We SO want to put all of our body weight into the "get the hell out of my way, jerk!" honk instead of our barely audible "look up, friend, the light is green" honk. We know that guy in the grocery store express lane has more than 10 items in his basket (and boy does it bother us). As we look at him...we are thinking he must also be the guy who doesn't clean up his sweaty butt marks on the exercise equipment at the gym, takes up two parking spaces in the lot (that's if he isn't parked in the expectant mother spot) and conducts loud, obnoxious personal cell phone conversations in public. When we get to this stage of frustration, however, we must readjust our spirit. The point is, we will live alongside others our whole lives. If we choose to live in a state of judgmental irritation, we are only hurting ourselves and sabotaging our own quality of life. After all, the factors and people that get under our skin will not likely change or disappear. The only thing we can control is the degree to which we let them get under our skin.

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STRAIGHT-TALK FRIDAYS: Big ISN'T Always Better!

One of the things about growing up in Texas that always amused me is the fact that everything was so BIG. Trucks barreling down the road that made me think I was in a monster car show, hair that probably used enough Aqua Net to put a hole in the ozone layer, servings of food that could have satisfied a small African village for a week. I even recall the people being big...or maybe it was just the resounding, loud voices accompanied with a lot of waving of the arms and maybe even a cackle here and there that made such an impression. As I got older, I realized that big isn't always better (after losing the Miss Seafair pageant to someone who didn't have to worry about her hair being too close to the overhead lighting that it might be a fire hazard) and that some of the smallest, most subtle things are the ones that make the most impact.

We hear sayings a lot that try to remind us of this principle...such as "It's the small things that count", but we lose sight of this sometimes. We often get caught up in the idea that if we want to make a gesture toward someone, we want to do it "right" or "big". That is a wonderful concept, however, because pulling off our ideal gesture takes time, energy and attention that we may not have at that exact moment, we put it off and do nothing at all. We don't want to get flowers because we cannot afford the kind or amount we want to buy...we don't want to make dinner because there is nothing impressive to whip up...we don't want to try to write a love letter because we would never be able to capture or convey the way we feel. The issue we create by thinking this way is that we end up sending the opposite message of the way that we feel. We care SO much that we WANT to send a POWERFUL message, but making no gesture at all sends the message that we DON'T care.

The point is that most people aren't really concerned about everything being perfect. Small, intimate tokens of friendship, love and appreciation really DO fuel happiness. One rose is fine, along with poems that don't rhyme, out of tune love songs, and fried PBJ's over candlelight. Heck, emptying the dishwasher unexpectedly, or having food ready for the old man's football buddies, or the call to check on someone to see how they are faring...these things indicate that we are "paying attention" to the subtle needs of people. These are the things that they need...instead of presents, they need us to be PRESENT.

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The Reason Why Many Of Us Feel Isolated, Lonely?

Our current society continues to breed us out of the feeling of community and support, replacing it with the perceived new ideal of complete individuality, self-sustainability and independence. Our friendship bases are dwindling down from tight knit groups of people we once spent quality time with to a sea of profiles we connect with via text, email, social media, and the internet. Our families mean less to us than they once did in past eras. With the advances in technology, we actually spend much less time seeing and interacting with people in general, as we can order most things online, from movie tickets, clothes and dinner reservations to this Friday's date. The result in this trend is that we as humans are becoming more and more isolated, lonely and self-absorbed.

Look at the difference in today's world versus that of the 50's, for example. Instead of getting together to play ball in the neighborhood, we are meeting up online to play video games with one another. Instead of the regular weekend Scrabble or poker game, we can compete against our new smart phone. Instead of going to visit grandma, we can Skype her. Don't get me wrong, technology is helpful in a lot of ways...but NOT in keeping us genuinely connected. However, it doesn't stop there. We cannot blame this breakdown solely on technology. Our actual thought process is at risk for adopting this lifestyle as the way to live. Our therapists are steering us toward all things "self"...our media is charging us with the task of individuation...our society is now impatiently expecting us to be faster, stronger, smarter and better in order to compete. We don't actually have "time" to live and be connected with other people as much as we used to because we stepped on the merry-go-round of BE STRONG and MAKE YOUR OWN MARK ON THE WORLD and SHOW NO WEAKNESS mentality. The result is a population of great people who have wonderful potential, but little support, feedback, intimate relationships. We are accomplished, but lonely and desperately seeking kindred spirits to help us navigate this thing called life. It is time for us to admit that WE NEED CONNECTION.

We are not designed to be alone. We are not meant to wake up every morning and go to work all day and come home to nothing but wine and television. We are not meant to have dreams waste away in our hearts because we have no one we feel comfortable sharing and cultivating them with. We are not meant to be eaten away by our fears and anxieties because we have no one to help us dispel them. We are not meant to view reaching out when we are in crisis as a "burden" to others. We are MEANT to love, laugh, cry and grow together. We are meant to share stories and ideas and concepts and learn from each other. We are meant to rise and fall together, and be there to celebrate or mourn the results. We are meant to be flanked by our brothers when we are going into "war". We are meant to have a community of people we share our journey with. We are meant to have a well to go to when we are drained, a compass to consult when we are lost, and someone who will recognize our flare when it soars into the sky. We are meant to feel a sense of BELONGING. The bottom line is, we are meant to experience a life full of authentic human connection. May we all give ourselves permission to seek it...

 

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